Team Griffis Page

Monday December 27, 2010

2010-12-27T08:49:00.002-06:00

Well we made it. I felt like if we could make it through Christmas we were good.

Christmas shopping was very hard for me. Doing it alone just added to my pain. I feel like i did a terrible job shopping because I felt like I was just a zombie in the stores. Not knowing what I was buying, for whom I was buying etc....there were no lists, no rhyme or reason to my shopping. Sure enough I did get enough and left Rach out a gift. She understood. But I still felt badly about it.

The Christmas Eve service was nothing less than torture for me. As we sang songs all i could do was hear Johns voice beside me. He loved to sing the songs...carols...and you all know what a beautiful voice he had. That beautiful mellow base. I longed to hear it. Christmas was HIS time...he loved the season.

Matthew was so ultra sensitive to me. Thank God that he does have a tender heart. He would just hug me...or come look for me when I would come up missing. I am sure he was afraid I was off crying some where. He put together the "santa" gifts for me...something John would do while i filled the stockings. I know, I know it was hard on him. I know he felt like he was filling big shoes...but he was such a "grown" up doing the things he did...eating santa's cookies for Rach, putting things out for santa....i am so proud of him.

Christmas morning was hard.. John always played Santa....again Matthew stepped up. Handing gifts out. We had a good morning but there was a quietness in the air.....not mentioned...but we all knew the what the other was feeling and thinking.

I really, really appreciate all the encouragement I have received from you on here. I sometimes just get on to read the last 5 or 6 comments just know I am alright.

Pray for Hannah. The meds that she is taking is causing her not to eat. So I am taking them away until we see the psych dr. next week. As you know she can't afford to lose weight although she thinks she needs to . Also, I know it is instigated from a friend, but she is getting a tattoo. It breaks my heart more than she could ever know. I don't think she is old enough to make that decision yet. But she wanted to put Johns fav scripture on her wrist. I did put my foot down and tell her no to that. But being 18 she can do what she wants. I felt it best to compromise with her. So i guess it will go on her shoulder. I just wish she would wait a few years and get some maturity behind her to be sure that this is really what she wants. I know she is hurting badly this season. She is the only one of the kids that mentioned john on her facebook....that she misses him. She is sad I can tell. Then in church yesterday morning at the end of the service Pastor had whoever wanted to come to the platform to sing the Hallelujah course. I put my hand on Hannah's leg because we both were thinking the same thing....daddy and she would go forward and sing it every year. She sat quietly and I noticed did not sing. Afterward she said, "Do you remember daddy and I would go up and sing with them every year?" I told her that i did, and i missed it too. Pray for my Hannah.

Rach and Isaac seem to be doing very well. Enjoying their gifts. I don't know what they are thinking....wish i did. Keep them in your prayers.

I don't know what this year holds. I am sure there are changes coming...Hannah going to College, my kids getting older.....what does God have in store this year. I am afraid, curious, scared, anxious, excited all at once....probably more scared than anything......

But this I know..i am where god wants me, i am in his care....we are loved by him..

Saundra

Tues Dec 21

2010-12-21T06:23:00.002-06:00

Well Christmas bears down on us.

We are doing okay. Told my mom the other day I think we are "let's just get it over with mode". Kind of numb now.

We are all doing okay. I finally went out yesterday and shopped a little. I was at the mall and kind of had to giggle to myself...I thought,"Saundra, you have no idea what you have bought." It is true. I don't know what I have for whom. I just try to get something for everyone. I thought how things have so changed....i used to enjoy shopping at christmas.

I loved Pastors message Sunday morning. How I could relate to being in exile, and in the wilderness. Never looked at it like he pointed out. But the message really spoke to me.

I really appreciate the suppose I have recieved from my readers. I have really been hurt recently by comments on here and out and about that i need to move on. My favorite is that I choose to be this way. Wow. You know I have really progressed when you look at where I have come. The fact that I have a bad day,week, or month does not mean I am choosing to not go on...does not mean I am wallowing....it means I am having a bad day, week or month. Just like everyone else. BUT, the difference is that I am grieving...and it is harder to come back. And in fact, my doctor told me that it is harder and takes longer for loved ones who have lost someone to an accident, to get through the grieving process. Not to mention that everyone moves at their own speed.

Anyway..when I read the positive comments it really encouraged me. Thank you for reading, commenting and above all else..for praying...it is working....we, I am doing better.

Saundra

Wed Dec 8, 2010

2010-12-08T06:37:00.002-06:00

Thank you to each of you that has commented. I am glad that you could work thru your grief so well. But each has to wear their own shoes....each experiences differently and each grieves differently.....

The kids had their group grief counseling last night. I didn't go as that was what we had discussed as a family...and I had talked to the counselor and she felt the same way. Matthew is being so strong, such a man.....I talked with him before hand and told him that he would probably have to do a lot of talking to get the other kids talking...he said he had already thought of that. When he got there he text me and said, "Don't worry mama, I will take care of the kids....you have fun." I was at the staff christmas party. I felt guilt and was so proud at the same time. It was his birthday and there he was taking his bro and sisters to a grief counseling appt. It just didn't seem fair to me.

When they got home I asked him how it went...he said fine. I asked if the kids talked and he said they had. I didn't want to push. I think he wants this to be just for them. I have to accept it and step back. As hard as it is because you all know how I am a hands on mom.

We are all doing better. It is hard...but we have been spending more time together.

We did get our tree decorated. That was a comedy of errors. But after a week it is up...hannah posted a pic on her facebook. It made me glad to see that she did that...she was the one that told me she didn't want to get one...."don't waste the money" were her words.

Pray for the counselor to have wisdom....and the kids to be open. Pray for us to be happy and have a peace around us this month.
Saundra

Saturday, Dec 4 2010

2010-12-04T06:21:00.002-06:00

Are you just sick and tired of me pulling you down...sick of hearing my woes? I am too...yet this is my life right now. I want it to turn around...it just won't. If I am standing in the way of that, then pray that the Lord help me.

Last night was probably the lonliest night ihave had in a long time. Rach and her party at church, Hannah her blessed friends (who I may say are stepping up...and I love them) and Matthew, Mark took Isaac to eat then they were in their room playing games.

Me...i sat in my recliner, then went to bed around 8. I am lucky I had medicine to take or it would and could have been worse. But I just put myself to sleep. I am tired of being lonely.

Sometimes I get mad at some of the ones that talk about all the fun things they did....where they went, ......and it makes me angry that they have some a fun life....carefree.....happy.....i had it once.....

I cried in the shower this morning...i want John. He completed my life. He was there for me. I didn't have to deal with all the things I am dealing with now. Bless his heart....i didn't know he dealt with so much...it makes me love and appreciate him all the more.

Got a little further on the tree last night....got more lights on....threw a bunch of ornamaments away that I just could not put up or look at. Course the kids weren't here so they don't know. The kids haven't put their ornaments up....they may not...whatever gets them through.

Just pray...

Saundra

Friday Dec 3, 2010

2010-12-03T06:13:00.002-06:00

Your comments moved me this morning. The prayers and support are what i needed to see this morning. I cried through my shower....i just needed to read those.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Just like i did the laswt time. It won't go away; I think it is just my nerves...worry...concerns..you know.

I was reading facebook this morning and someone said it was someting like 2 weeks before christmas break and I actually got sick to the point of throwing up. I just dread it.

Friends, there is no life in this house. And I wish I had some life to put it in, to make it, but I can't even put life in it. It is no wonder the kids want to go places all the time.....

Pray that my stomach will allow me to eat. Hannah isnt eating well and she saw me not eating. She told me I needed to eat. I said if you eat I will eat. Neither of us ate. It feels like my stomach is tied into knots all the time. My mind is constantly racing.

Well....time to put on the mask and go to work.

Pray for us. Anything you know to pray about...pray.

Saundra

December 2, 2010 Thursday

2010-12-02T06:30:00.002-06:00

The tree is up..still no decorations....nothing.....

Pray for hannah, her 2nd counseling appt is tonight.

I keep a mask on all the time now....i don't think anyone knows the pain......how the smile is only a turning up of my lips...nothing deeper

how i hold the tears in so know one really knows....not even the kids...not even those who think they know me

appointments, doctors, counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, ballgames, work, prescriptions, finances, friends, kids, housework, laundry, they all call for me...and i can no longer do it....

I feel myself crumbling,,,,,and i don't think anyone knows how bad.....only the responsiblitlity to my kids keep me alive

pray

December 1, 2010 Wednesday

2010-12-01T06:17:00.002-06:00

Well, as i typed in the date i thought "Oh just a little longer".

Hannah appt yesterday went great. I did get to sit in at the beginning and share some of my thoughts. It was good to hear Hannah say that she didn't want to hurt herself...she just wanted to cover her thoughts. She has been hurting for a long time. I feel like I should have known, guess I was wrapped up with my own pain to notice.

She really liked him as did i so I feel hopeful. She was called into the coaches office, she and I, and has been suspended for the first two games. I am in complete agreement with Coach and I think Hannah took it well. She also apologized to the girls after practice yesterday. The coach only suggested it but told her it was up to her...i was surprised she did it.

The psych asked me yesterday what i was hoping to gain from her seeing him and I said, "I just want my Hannah back." He asked her and she said, "I want to be happy again." Oh Lord hear that prayer,

I barely got back from the meeting with she and coach and I got a call from coach that she had hit her head against the wall in practice and had the signs of concussion and needed to be taken to emergency room immediately.

I almost passed out...I didn't know if i could do anything else. But I guess "MOM" cliicked in and I picked her up and we went. She seemed fine when I picked her up and even better the longer we sat in the waiting room. I called Joe the trainer and told him Marilyn was coming out, that Hannah did not have insurance (she is 18 now) and she was acting fine. He agreed that if Marilyn checked her out and felt she was fine she could go home.

Marilyn did and thought she was fine. She even went back to practice. That the Lord. I don't know if I could handle anything more!

I still feel overwhelmed...a bunch...i feel like I am auto pilot everyday. I can't remember anything half the time. It just keeps coming.

We put our tree up last night. Took us a while. Matthew and his friend Tim were trying their hardest and we just couldn't get it up. I called Jay and after a while we got it up. We didn't get it decorated. It was too late. I don't really feel like it. Hannah said she didn't. Matthew doesn't care. It is just too much. So, I told the kids I would put the lights on and then (they each have a box of ornamanets collected for THEM over the years) when each one has time to decorate with their ornaments they can. I just can't set a time aside...it is too thoughtful...i don't want to think about it. So once I get the lights on....they can do it as they please. I don't want it in here anyway....

It is so dark in our house...no life really. I felt terrible for someone to see this...but Jeff and Sallye came over yesterday after their work. The lights were off, Matthew on one couch, Isaac on the other, me in recliner and the girls....I don't know. But that was the way it was. I guess that is how we all feel right now. Dark. Black. No life.

Pray for us. I told you I can't...my mind is so boggled that I can't even focus on what to pray for.....

Saundra

Monday, November 29, 2010

2010-11-29T06:06:00.002-06:00

I asked the kids to go to church as a whole family yesterday. It felt so good. I felt somewhat complete. I know it won't last. They will each want to go to a different service, sit with friends....etc.....but it felt so good....to me.....to have them there beside me.

I find myself wanting to be with them all the time. I know that is okay. But they aren't exactly into that. Each wanting to do their own thing.

Pastor Chris was in our ss class yesterday. I just couldn't get past how hurting Hannah is. I could hardly listen to what was being said. You know how it is....your child hurts....you hurt even worse. That is where I am now. Except it seems so much worse because I hurt for each of my kids.

Rach so precious came in the other night and gave me $3 of what was left of her allowance and said she wanted to help pay for presents for the other kids. She is hurting so badly now. She used to be so bubbly....and I think this thing with Hannah, and yes....even the sadness and tears I have cried, have finally got to her. She is sleeping with me, and last night, as it was just she and I here, she came and sat on my lap for a long time. She wants to hug all the time...and just hold on. She went to ss class with me, which surprised me because she loves her ss class and friends. But I know she is so lost right now.

Hannah has her counseling appt tomorrow night, and that Wed morning she has her psych appt. I will make an appt for the 4 kids together to meet with a grief counselor as soon as possible. Then I have to make mine....and I dread it....i know it is going to be heart wrenching. I am even considering putting off mine until after christmas....i feel like i am overwhelmed as it is trying to get the kids to their appts, basketball games and other things that I can't add another thing to my schedule.

Not looking forward to going to school today. I have so many there that I know love me and pray for me. That even when I look into their eyes I know they love me and I just want to fall into their arms and say "Help". I just want to fall apart. Just because I know they care.....just because I need that hug......So I know that today and possibly the weeks to come before christmas....i will be holding tears in all day at school....that is so hard. AND I want to be happy in front of the students.....there is just so much to hold onto.....and I have to hold it all in......

Pray for the kids. Pray that the grief counselors, the psych dr for hannah, that they all have wisdom into the kids hearts and minds. That they have the words to help them....to help them into the future and out of the past.

Be with me........pray for God to be with me. I can't pray, I can't read his word....I just can't. I feel lost, disoriented, and just at a loss.

Thanks for your prayers and love,
Saundra
And thanks for letting me rattle on and on....it really helps

Saturday November 27, 2010

2010-11-27T07:45:00.002-06:00

Its one of those days. I want to stay in bed with the blankets over my head....if is stay in bed I just lay and worry and and think sad thoughts....so i HAVE to get up and do something so my mind is not idle.

Thanksgiving was uneventful. I hated it. I just wanted to get through it. I could not wait to take my meds and go to bed that night. It was over. I think the kids did okay. I know in the evening they all went out with friends. I thought that was good for them. Help them take their mind off of things.

We were suppose to go get our tree yesterday. Yeah, that didn't happen. The kids didn't even ask. I didn't ask.. We acted as if it was just any other day. I think the pain is too great for any of us to even go there. I even think if we went without a tree....no one would care....if we went without christmas...no one would care.

I went out yesterday morning (black friday). Forced myself. John had just started to go with me. We had fun times. He had the chance to go with me two times. He was so funny. But I could not have fun yesterday. I tried...I tried. But I just oculd not. It hurt so bad. I would remember the coffee stops, the laughs.....sharing in questions about gifts, what for whom, why that one...etc....it was so painful. I decided I would never do it again. It was just too painful. I laughed as i got in the car to leave target and I thought how appropriate the name for the day...BLACK FRIDAY. It will always be that.......

Matthew is being so brave. I know he is hurting. But he is really stepping up. He told me he wanted to talk to me so I went to his room. He so sweetly told me he was worried about finances. I told him God would take care of us. He said he just didn't want me to worry about anything else. He has taken the kids places for me...without complaining...and is being so helpful around the house. I just want to be so careful that he does not lost this time in his life to helping me.

Hannahy is doing okay. I don't feel like she is my Hannah yet. But i see glimpses. I had to put some consequences and rules down for her. She accepted the.m pretty well. I still hurt for her. I see the hurt in her eyes. I just hope we can make it through the holidays. She had some friend over last night. I am hoping she will just let herself be swallowed up in their love, support and care.

Rach is hurting. She is sleeping with me. Tha is my tell tale sign. And she just seems sad, preoccupied. She doesn't even care much about having friends over. She did enjoy having hannahs friends over last night though.

Isaac just stays in his room most of the time. I feel like that has been and is escape. I don't blame him. He doesn't have responsibilites...i would not come out either if i didn't have to. I am glad he has basketball. He does enjoy that.

Well...i don' know what today holds. I am afraid to face it. More sadness..more pain i am sure.....

Pray for the kids to find some kind of REAL happiness...i for one am tired of pretending when i am out......at all. I am kind of afraid i will start looking in the wrong places for happiness.......

Pray for us.....i know that is the answer...i don't know how...but i know it is. I am with the kids...if god does things for a reason...why haven't we seen it.

Saundra

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-25T07:39:00.002-06:00

It is really hard to be thankful for anything. If you look at Rachel's facebook status you can see why my heart is so heavy. All this year,,,this long, long, year I didn't know how much my kids were hurting. It took near tragedy for me to open my eyes. I feel so awful. I feel like I owe them the world.

I told the dr s the past few days...help my kids...help me...at any cost...and I sincerely mean that. IPray for the counselors...pray for the kids...pray for me.

The ss class has been so gracious to fix meals for us. It has been such a blessing. It seems that all energy has left me. I have nothing left.

I think of black friday. I had been going for years. then several years before his passing (2)...he started going with me. Imagine that! What a guy! And he didn't mind! I don't think I will ever be able to go again. It could never be the same.

I don't even know about christmas. I don't know how I can shop. My mind just turns to mush, and my eyes to lakes of water,.....

I mentioned getting a chriwtmas tree last night and hannah said she didn't even want to get one. How do I do that? Rach was there and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I don't know what to say, or what to do.

God let this time pass quickly...please.

\Today we will be with Jay and Marilyn,,,but I get sick to my stomach to think of eating....that empty seat....

Pray for Hannah....I am lucky if I can get her to eat one meal...if that is what you call it...a day. She has no desire...she wants to sleep and that is all.

Pray...pray

Saundra

November 24, 2010....Wednesday

2010-11-24T08:26:00.002-06:00

I keep asking myself if i have to live with this ache in my heart, this sick feeling in my stomach till after christmas. I dont know how i can put on a smile and feel nothing but pain.

Took Hannah to see the counselor last night. Wonderful. As Marilyn and I sat and waiting while Hannah and she talked we just thanked the Lord for her. I feel like I have Hannah where the Lord wants her...even thougth she isn't so sure she wants to talk. So pray that she begin to have a desire to open up to this lady. She seems so sweet and so wanting to help her. Pray for wisdom for Tara (the counselor) as shehelps hannah.

Everything seems so subdued at our house. It is as if we are all waiting for the next shoe to drop. You can't know the feeling. We are all walking on pins and needles. We can't really be happy. Rach sleeps with me again. Isaac on the couch...Hannah on the couch..it is as if we don't want to go back to what was.....

Today I am calling about getting 4 kids into grief counseliing as well as making an appointment for me. I get overwhelmed when i think of keeping the appt. Hannah at her own.....the 4 kids at their own, my own grief counseling, Matthew with is psych, me and my psych, hannah with her psych, basketball games, work....family resposibilities. Do you see? Can you see...why i just want to say forget it? Pray that God puts extra time in my day. I dont' know how we will do it...pray for that...and there is even so much more involved.

This moring Rach asked when we will get our hallmark ornaments. A tradition John and I started with the kids on their first birthday.....they get to pick our a hallmark ornament. This is so hard for me. But they look forward to it. I have to say the Lord did answer prayerl.i didn't know how I was oing to do it...but i got a bonus thanksgiving check from school....there is the ornamanets. One hurdle. prayer answered....can't count how many more to go,.....but pray as we do get them today....it was such a family fun thing. I get sick to my stomach....

Pray for us , me to have strength....to go on...so smile even when i don't want to.....
Saundra

November 21, 2010...or Tuesday I think

2010-11-23T06:53:00.002-06:00

I am tired of the rumours and the lies. I am tired of the talk that is so untrue. So I am here to set it straight. And when the truth comes out, the lies end and I pray that the prayers begin,

I wont go into detail, it isn't necessary. God is in details. It started Sunday in a lot of pain and suffering. But we found out just how much pain Hannah has been carrying this past year. She took 3 valium Friday night, and then more on saturday night and mixed it with alcohol.

She was mildly evaluated Sunday morning and I was told she needed counseling. I was given a reference and called. Last night my call was returned and it was said for us take her into the hospital because they were afraid she could be suicidal.

We did. And it seemed that the moment Hannah told the psychiatrist that she was in so much pain from her dad passing, and that she never meant to hurt herself and only cover the pain. My Hannah returned. She just needed to get it off her chest.

Still they wanted to admit her....but, because by then she and Matthew we laughing and cutting up....I could not let her stay. All the way home she kept telling me that she was glad I didn't make her stay.

I feel like I made a good decidison. She was different when she got home. It seemed a burden was lifted.

She goes into see a couhnselor today. But none of my kids have been to a grief counselor. Matthew has been the MAN in this whole situation. He is going to make sure the kids and he attend.

I am broken. I am in pain. I keep wondering when I will fall apart.....I don't know how much i can take.

I can't even pick up the bible right now...it seems that i cant focus on anything. All i can do is say a prayer now and then.

I remember a long long time ago...I just couldn't pray...i was depressed and devestated. My mom called and said that I just needed to rest....she would pray to God for me. She rememinded me of the story in the Bible where the mens friends held up his hands because he no longer had the strength...that is where I am rightnow.....I have no strength.

Please pray for us. I ask for prayer for the dr hannah sees today. For wisdom....guidance..insight. For hannah to open up. I pray for Rachel and Isaac who are standing back and it seems that their world is falling apart. For matthew as he tried to step in his dads big shoes.....strength and wisdom. And for me...just to make it. I just need to make it. And my job....i just cant do it right now...pray that they have understanding there.....i am scared abou that. And of course....the whole finance thing is now on my shoulder with dr bills, and not working....oh god....i just am bein ghonest...i have to be.....

Friends...help me.

I may start blogging more than once a day.....i just have to.

Saundra

Novemver 20, 2010

2010-11-22T05:59:00.005-06:00

Little did i know that after I blogged yesterday that my day would literally turn into hell.

I am not going to say much. Rumors fly as they do. But take what you hear as a grain of salt...be more than welcome to ask me any quetions at all. I will be as honest as I can without hurting anyone,

But in a round about way we found out Hannah is in deeper help than I could ever imagine my children being in, But I am taking her to a pschiatrist today, We akso hacve come to the point that we all need counselling, We tried it once and it didn't go well for the kids at all, I think it is too raw,. But we are ]]\going to give it a round, I am hoping that they i will find one that the kids can attened in their own group and I will attend myselfl I know that it was too soon for them and they will not toak in front of me in fear that they will make me hurt nore, Matthew has greeed to be the leaderin PNo..
of my meds no wnd prayr g9 tiner

wew 'Pta fre=last I have your= t o taoi tl I will b heew..

I

PS...my sister alerted me to the fact that I needed to look at this post. I was embarrassed when I looked at it because I see why she laughed. I told you before that I am on xanax. Well I had taken some about 30 min before posting...guess I should not have done that. Yeah, I was out of it. So what I was saying was that I need to get back to leaning more on God than on my own strength. Sorry for the goofiness...I won't take my meds before posting again

Saundra

November 19, 2010

2010-11-20T07:31:00.002-06:00

As i lay in bed last night I thought well we made it...but I know we were all going to bed with very heavy hearts...still missing him so much. Someone told me the other day it really never goes away. And i thought of how well hannah put it on her facebook page...a year ago a nightmare began that never ends. That is how i guess we all feel....we will never be out of this nightmare.

Today is Hannah's birthday and I don't know how to even treat her. Do I treat her with so much sympathy because my heart is breaking for her and I know she is feeling it too? Do I fake happiness when all i feel is sadness?

Isaac and Rachel and I left School early yesterday. I guess it was so exhausting for them. Just the day, feelings and emotions...not just them but myself also. I began getting texts early from them....and finally I had Matthew come and take them to lunch and then home for the day. They kept texting me, and I couldn't stand for them to all be home alone so I soon left after lunch.

Thankfully they all have such sweet and wonderful friends that occupied their evening. Rachel had her friend Bailey over...Isaac and Matthew hung out with some of Matthew's friends, and Hannah went to the game. So thank the Lord that they had onther things on their minds.

I was very blessed and happy to see all the G shirts. It touched me that he was still remembered by so many. He touched so many lives...my question still comes....why take such a great man from a world that could use him so much?

There is a young man at school. I remember John talking about him. He was special to John...because of the relationship that they had. I still see pain in his eyes when we look at each other. I don't think John, me or anyone will ever know how he touched this boys life. In fact, not too long ago he had the words Griffis ....and the dates shaved onto his head. I could not express to him what that meant to me....it was moving. But it is a testimony of what John meant to this young man, I would one day love to sit down with him and ask him what made John so special to him. Right now though, I believe this boy is still hurting.....

Pray for peace for us. Thanksgving next week.....we normally buy our tree the day after. I dread it. I woild rather go without. But my doctor said I can't...i must move on for the kids. Pray for all of us. How do you even begin to be happy?

Pray for me...wisdom, guidance, and right now......i honestly feel like i am living in another world....another place...a nightmare,....i can't explain what i feel. Just pray for all of us.

Saundra

Thursday November 18, 2010

2010-11-18T05:47:00.002-06:00

I can't thinl...it just hurts more and more. I want to go to bed...i don't want to wake up until next year. I have said that before but have never meant it as much.

I did not sleep at all last night. Even took my meds and that did n't help. Rachel came in at one point and just lay beside me.....Lord why?

Why let us continue to hurt? Help me help them. Turn this pain and sorrow into joy...somehow....

I put on a happy face....but i am tired of that lie.

I just want to scream......

I said i would go to school tomorrow, but now I am not so sure I want to. I know everyone is wearing the G shirts so I feel like i have to. But i don't want to. I dont even know what is best anymore,

Went to see my psych yesterday. Of course he said what I am feeling is normal. He gave me help with how to face the holidays...and of course i felt like i had been through the ringer when i walked out. I had cried till i was dry.,...we had talked so much of so many things...i couldn't go back to work..i was a mess. I came home and went to bed.

I know for all of us it is like dooms day looming upon us. I just want to hide. I want to take the kids into my arms and cover us all from what lies ahead tomorrow, sat and the weeks ahead.

Pray for us....pray

Saundra

November 16, 2010

2010-11-17T06:28:00.002-06:00

This morning my heart is breaking for Hannah. For reasons I don't know she has decided to not go to the fall ball at school. She was so excited about it.

When she came in last night there was a sadness in her eyes. Then i read her facebook post this morning and she said, "It just never goes away."

It broke my heart and brought me to tears. She said what we are all thinking and feeling this week....all year. It just never goes away. The hurt, the pain, the memories. It is always there and this week even so much more.

The memory of that dreadful sat morning ....the sight i saw when i rounded the corner...i will never forget....and oh how the kids must feel it so much more in their little hearts.

I talked to one of Isaacs teachers yesterday and his grade is plummeting. She said she is aware of what is going on...but it is so confusing on how to handle it. He has been a little more quiet too.

It is funny, I can actually see all of us deteriorating as the week goes on. Each of us is growing quieter, and i noticed the kids will just be sitting and staring off into space.

I don't know how we will make it.

Friday will be especially difficult. I am trying to find something for everyone to be doinIg with their friends...stay overs....etc......I don't want them to be sitting at home Friday evening or even sat doing nothing. I have things I can do to take my mind off....but I worry so much about them.

Course, Hannah is so on my mind. I know she is hurting....what do i do?

Please keep her in your prayers,..all of them. Even my happy little rach has a sadness in her eyes......

I never knew i would hurt this way again...i thought it was only at the beginning of this horrible journey.

Saundra

November 12, 2010

2010-11-16T06:28:00.002-06:00

Wow...it has been a long time since I have been on here. School starting, softball games and other time consuming things kept me from sitting down and getting this done.

But, I have found that this month I need it. It was a big help as I started this journey to put down my feelings and ask for prayer. I would always go away feeling like I had actually given the burden to someone else....still heavy, but somewhat lighter.

Well, here we are....back to the beginning in the way. This has been so hard. I was really hoping I could do it. But it has turned out I am struggling. I shared that I felt like this was harder than the first few months after his passing. Someone said maybe it was the shock...the reponsiblities, that I was trying to do that I really didn't let myself completely feel. But oh I am now.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I have not wept. I cannot contain it. I am so wearry. The day came after school one day last week that I fell apart and gave in. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't sleeping, eating, resting...or even thinking.

I miss him, and I know of course the kids do. It pains me when I see the pain in their eyes. We had basketball games last night. I noticed both Isaac and Rachel chose the number 10 jersey. Remember that was Johns number. Isaac still has not dealt with it at all. He has had angry moments, tearful moments....i don't think he knows how to handle it. Rachel and Matthew have dealt with it in their own way. I think I could tell when Matthew turned the corner. He has become my partner in this journey....hugging me, helping me.....encouragaing me. Hannah has not dealt with it and is dealing with it in her own way....and I am not sure it is always the best. But keep praying for her.

I am on medication again....I don't like it, but it helps me sleep and get through my days. Today, as have been the last several...I would like to curl up in bed and stay there....but I know I have to go on.

I don't want to face the weeks ahead...I don't. I was not going to go to school this Friday (the anniversary) but I decided I would not want to be home.....then Hannah's birthday is Saturday. That is almost worse for me. It brings back the pain that she felt. How can she ever have a "happy" birthday again? I am thankful that the winter ball is this saturday. Hopefully her mind will be preoccupied. Pray for her. Bless her heart...how she must hurt.

Thanksgiving....I have asked that we be alone. My family was more than willing to be here...but i couldn't staned the thought of having all the pain......thinking I had to smile....I just want to be with my kids....and be there for them.

It was tradition to go get our tree the day after thanksgiving. We will probably do it again. But how...how....oh it hurts.

I would rather go without celebrating at all. No tree..nothing. But for the kids....

I will be better about blogging..i need it.....i need the prayer..i need the support....

Love,
Saundra

Saturday, Sept. 11, 2010

2010-09-11T12:15:00.002-05:00

This is a hard day for me. I am struggling. It's funny, I feel like i have been doing pretty well. This week has been hard. Seems Hannah is trying to spread her wings a little bit.

I had some papers that I needed her to sign the other day...so I went to the school, only to find out that she hadn't even been there...it was 8:30. I called her and she had just drove into the parking lot. After talking to her I found out that this had not been the first time.

I didn't feel like i could handle it alone..so knowing Rocky would help I had her go to the office with me and we talked with Rocky about it. Rocky was wonderful. But when I went to hug her she would let me and then within minutes i got a text from her that said, "I hate you. You are ruining my life." It broke my heart.

Then, found out Isaac isn't doing well in Algebra. He fought me about going to tutoring even though the teacher said he needed to go. So, i talked to her and Coach Brown and they fully supported and helped me. Coach Brown talked to Isaac and I haven't had any trouble getting him to go to tutoring since,.

Hannah still won't talk to me...it hurts. I know what i did was right.....but i have to always be the bad guy.

Rachel is sick. I had to leave her home alone on Friday. I hated it. I am her mother...i should have been there for her.

Right now...i feel a little overwhelmed...a little useless as a mom. I shared with a friend at work that i feel like I am always trying to please the kids....in everything. I finally felt like i could go out with friends and enjoy the evening. But Matthew informed me that I need to be home. That I should not go out with them.

So, I don't feel like i can really go out because he gets angry when i do. Though, i am unhappy when i am home...because again...it is always about pleasing them.

I don't know...maybe its true. But i feel like a deserve a life also. I just can't please them though. That is the whole point. It seems like one of the kids are mad at me all the time. I am under constant pressure for peace between someone.

Then, today has reminded me again and again that my birthday is coming up. I don't want to celebrate without John. It is just not going to be fun...i don't even want it to come.

Just pray for us. Pray that I can somehow compromise with the kids so that there will be peace. That God will give me wisdom.

Just pray for us.

Saundra

Sept. 7, 2010..Tuesday

2010-09-07T20:34:00.002-05:00

To my faithful followers,...i am sorry that i have not been faithful in blogging. Since school has started I feel like i barely have time to breathe. God has been faithful to help me though.

Matthew started back to SNU and seems to be enjoying it much more than last semester. I am grateful for that. He deserves a good year. He seems to have made great friends with the golf team and i really am happy for that. Had his first tournament today....he said he did awful. But for others it would be awesome. He is a lot like John....he is hard on himself.

Hannah is still the bubbling girl she has always been. She is a senior this year...I heard somebody once say...when you have a senior just start unloading that wallet.....wow, there is money going everywhere. We did have her sr pics taken....they were adorable. It is going to be hard to choose from. But then again...money!! She is having the time of her life, during this last year of high school. I know that graduation is going to be hard for me..but i think, though it will be happy for her...i think she will be very sad that daddy could not be there with her. But, i will not borrow trouble from tomorrow.....

Isaac is doing okay. He just struggles so much in school. He refuses to admit it which makes it hard for anyone to help him. His hardest subject is Algebra, and Mrs. Cagle is trying her best. He is still very argumentative...everyone keeps telling me that it is his anger.....I just need him to be more agreeable.

Rachel is my happy baby. She makes life happier for me. She is doing well is school. She has been involved in softball and that keeps us hopping. She has a fun time with her friends and that helps get her through many days.

None of them have been to the cemetary. That hurts me so much. But, i don't mention it, they say they will do it in their time.

I am getting out more. A co-teacher and i are starting to do things together. It is nice to get out and about again. It took a little bit, i felt guilty. But that has now passed and i enjoy getting out. Matthew was angry at first. He didn't want me going out. Didn't understand why i wanted to. I told him that,as golf was his outlet, my friend is mine,. He seemed to really back down with understanding.

I am doing alright. Really doing well i think. I still have my days...both good and bad. But God has been very faithful to me.

My prayer requests are for the kids. Heal their hurts, their pain. Help them in school....with their work and make wise decisions.

Help me to make wise decisions...concerning the kids, financing, and other decisons i have to make everyday.

Thanks for your prayers,

saundra

Tuesday, Aug 17 2010

2010-08-17T07:01:00.002-05:00

Debbie, there is a reason God put me on your heart...more than you know.....

I am in turmoil... I have kept things in my heart until I am to burst. I wanted everyone to think that all was well. I don't know why...I am not proud. I have nothing to be proud of. Guess with all the help we recieved I didn't want to ask for anything else. But it has come to the point where I am going to beg for prayers...

I feel like my family is falling apart. I don't know the anger from John's death is finally hitting the boys or what it is. But this morning, as I prayed I didn't even know what to say to God, I didn't know how to pray. I just cried "MERCY".

Matthew seems to have such hatred for me. Such disrespect. It has come to the point that I am afraid of him. He isn't always that way...sometimes he can be so loving. Then the next minute so angry. He recently did something totally against my instructions not too. Actually bringing danger into our home. So, we had an all out argument. He said such hurtful and hateful things to me.

God answered prayer and the event ended. It was taken from my home. But he still is angry...so angry.

I don't tell you these things to hate Matthew...but I need help with him. Prayer...is the answer and I am crying out to you...revealing a weakness......just asking for prayer.

Then Isaac. I really can't get him to do anything I ask. No respect.. just angry outbursts like Matthew. Laughing at me when I ask him to do something...then totally disregarding me.

Again..I need help. Neither will go to counseling..that option isn't on the table.

So...I beg, I cry for your help. I am opening up....I know of know where else to go. I felt the Lord lead me here this morning....someone help me........just pray.

I just feel that I have no control of my home. I can't ask anything of the boys. They offer no help. It seems that they live in their own world...and the girls and I in ours. No respect.

The girls seem to be doing fine. They are respectful and sweet. In fact, the other night I went out with some friends and Hannah text me and said, "Mommy, have a good time. You deserve it." I cried. She understands me.

It is the boys. I don't know what to do. ...but to ask for prayer...the more prayers...."where two or more are gathered...." I rest on his promises. But how I need your prayers.

I start school today (teachers report), so pray for me...it is hard.

Went to Rachel's first softball game last night...that too was hard. I kept seeing the girls John coached last year and heard his words about each one. How he loved her. How she did this that made him laugh. Each one held a certain place in his heart..and I remembered how each had something that he considered dear to him. He had a name for each one...a pet name. I had to giggle to myself. But, I missed him.

I am falling...into despair. Pray for me.

I only hope as you read this...you don't think of me as a failure, or that my kids are horrible. They just need help.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday August 15, 2010

2010-08-15T23:50:00.002-05:00

Well school is upon us. I am not doing well with it. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I never realized how much help John was in preparing the kids for school. We would always start getting them into bed at school days bedtime a week before school. I have done horrible. It just seems at 10:00 at night...which is when they SHOULD be in bed...I am busy doing laundry....etc...so that I forget to send them there. You don't think they would do it themselves do you?

I had a rough day today. Church was awesome...and when my heart was ready to burst in worship of our Lord, Sunday School was there. It was a great morning in His house. But in my house in was a different story. I feel like I am losing authority in my home. Honestly, are there days when you just feel like no one will listen to you. That is how I feel tonight as I am blogging this.

It just feels like everything is against me. I wish I could wish him back.

Isaac and I rode in the Children's Center Bike Ride yesterday. We rode the 52. It was very hot. But as I was getting ready here at home, all I could think of was John....getting ready with him. Then as I rode, mainly by myself..cuz Isaac can really ride, I had a lot of time to think. It seemed like there were markers in the road where I would remember certain things happening last year as John and I rode. That was the last ride he and I rode in. The last. I really missed him. When I thought I couldn't do it...I would think how he would encourage me on...even if it meant coming up behind me, grabbing my seat and giving me a little shove.

That is what I feel like I need right now...a little shove from him. Because right now, I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to go to work right now. I just want to go and be away from this busyness, this stress, this anger that I feel in my home....the responsibilities, dealing with the finances (David is slowly going to teach me how he is doing it for me).. and I know I have to...but I don't want to. I can't do all that. This is all too much for one person.

Someone asked me the other day...it is different being a single parent isn't it? OH!!! If they only knew...it is you that carry the burden of the children, it is you that hands out the discipline....you can't hand it to someone because you are tired, or are carrying your own burden, it is you that is the bad person most of the time, it is you, you, you. I don't want to be the YOU anymore. Not for right now. I will come back. But I need help.

Pray for me. My help comes from the Lord. Pray for my kids. Pray for Matthew and Isaac. Just pray. I am overwhelmed.

Love, Saundra

Monday, August 9, 2010

2010-08-09T08:15:00.002-05:00

Wow....never thought it would be this hard. I just dropped Rachel off at Middle School softball practice. I was hit broadside by the thought that this was suppose to be John taking her.....he was to be her coach....he was suppose to be there with her!!!!!

Then, on the way to the field she said, "I wish daddy were going to be there." My heart literally broke in two. I almost threw up with what I felt in my stomach, in my heart....for her....for me....for us. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. We were just quiet the rest of the way.

We got out together and walked in silence to the field. I talked a little bit to coach Beck, and the to Coach Schwartz I told her that we were having a hard time with it. Rachel kept coming up and hugging me. I didn't want to leave her....I didn't want to stay...it just hurt too much.

Oh God...why? Why?

I got in the car....the song that we sang while John was in the hospital........"in the calm and in the storm....He will never leave me"...this is the storm.....this is the storm. He won't leave me. As I walked in the door of the house, the song,"That's what faith will do" was on....I know God was trying to encourage me ....but right now...I am so distraught......so torn.......

It all made me realize how hard this school year would really be ...how much I really, really don't want to face it. I just don't want it to come. I don't think I can bare it. I can't stand to see the kids hurt anymore.....I thought we were done with this much hurt, this much pain.....

How much more God?

Saundra

Sunday, August 8, 2010

2010-08-08T20:12:00.002-05:00

Well, Chris (my sister) and her son Jeffrey are gone. It was great to have them here. We did go to white water one day and then one evening we went to Frontier City. But otherwise we spent a lot of time sitting in the living room and talking, reading and sharing. It was a great time. I shared feelings with her that I hadn't been able to share with anyone. But the time was right for me to get things off my chest I guess. It was a God Blessed time for sure.

But, it was hard to see her go because it was so nice to have an "adult" around. Someone that was there to share things with. Now, I am alone again. It was nice to have someone tell me that the way I was disciplining my kids was OK. That I am a good mom. The choices I am making for my family are okay.

I can't remember if I had told you that I have decided to make my home a haven for our family. That I told the kids that we are going to make some changes in our home. I have been afraid to "rock the boat" or to hurt any of the kids so I have allowed them to listen to and watch things that they should not have. Well change is coming.

I have put parental blocks on the tv as well as not let them go to see some movies that I don't think are good for them. They have all done fairly well with the changes. Isaac is the only one. I think he has kind of closed himself up in his room this summer playing games and watching t.v. Now, that I have stopped that he doesn't know what to do. Pray for him.

I am dreading school. With school comes that feeling I had all last semester....sadness and dread. Kind of like when you hate something...do it....get over it...then have to do it again? Just that same feeling of dread.. On top of that...my birthday...no...I don't even want to have it. I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing I want to do...or think about for my birthday. I can't imagine celebrating without John. So, I just won't.

Then right around the corner....the anniversary of his death, thanksgiving/Christmas with out him. I hate the thought of the next 3 or 4 months. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out for those months. I don't want to face them. I don't think I can handle that hurt again. all over again.

Pray for us. School is going to be hard....with all the feelings we had the last we were there. School supplies are even hard to get. I can't even imagine going to get clothes. Already told the kids that the supplies are necessary....but we will not get clothes. I just can't do it. John was so involved in that stuff....he made going back to school fun........

Pray for us...pray for peace.

Saundra

Saturday, July 31, 2010

2010-07-31T21:59:00.002-05:00

Please remember as you read this....this is my voice....this is getting things off my chest......just a way for you to know how to pray for me......(and I really need to talk right now...and have someone listen)

....Not a good day.

Got up and had devotions. Learned to say the word "Jesus" when I am afraid, worried, etc....Just speak His name and He will draw closer.

But it was hard to live it today....

Went for a bike ride. Good ride. I decided to go to cemetery before going home. I took my pebble and went and knelt in front of the memorial stone. Then it started. The tears that I had bottled up all week. It just seemed like everywhere I turned this week I was needed. I had no time for myself...no time to think, no time for anything. I just ran, ran, ran. Or worked out in the yard on things that really needed to be done..(so can't say it was fun!) It seemed like the kids...all of them were needy this week. I just felt overwhelmed.
So, I cried and told John all about it. Then, layed my pebble down and left the cemetery...but not my feeling of being overwhelmed. (by the way...to those of you who leave pebbles when you visit.....I so much appreciate seeing them grow when I visit. It just gives me such joy to know he is not forgotten!) Thank you.

Got home and was told by my two oldest that the plans I had made for family time would not happen because they had made other plans. My heart broke. I was looking so forward to it.

Then, I have tried to place some restrictions on Isaac in playing his PS3. I found him up at 2:00 a.m. playing this morning. So I told him he couldn't play it today (Saturday). Well, when I thought he was sleeping in late, I found out he had been playing all along. So, I took his tv out of his room. Well, that started a major angry outburst.

He broke my heart when he said that I never did anything with him. That all I do is things with Rachel and Hannah. I try so hard to spend time with each of them. I try, I try, I try.

When he said that....everything crashed. I could not take it. I felt useless, helpless and of no value. I just wanted to run, run and not turn back.

I don't know...tonight I don't feel so good about myself as a mother....a caregiver. Anything right now.

Probably just a moment....probably will pass. But not feeling good right now. I miss John. His arms around me, telling me to go to bed...he will take care of everything. And knowing that in the morning...everything will be alright again. But, now, I know it won''t be. He is still gone...I am still on my own.

I told a friend the other day....being a single/widowed/mom is a very lonely existence. You just don't fit anywhere. Not really in your kids lives...they have their friends. Not in your friends lives anymore....I have been away from them so long...because I don't have time for a social life....or I am too afraid to leave my kids, that they have moved on to other people who meet that "friend" need. You don't fit into that "whole family" picture anymore....if you go to a gathering where the whole family is invited....I feel out of place. It's a couple's world for me....except I am no longer a couple.

So, where do I belong? No where. No where.....

Saundra

Thursday, July 28, 2010

2010-07-29T07:22:00.002-05:00

I woke the other morning with such a yearning that I can't get over it. I am praying about it. I only know one answer....God. But it is hard looking.....and waiting.....and feeling.

I woke the other morning with such a need to feel John's arms around me. He and I would just stand and hug. Just stand and hold each other. And I longed for that again. I long for that again.

That hug that says, "I love you more than anything.", the hug that tells me I am important, that hug that makes me feel secure, that I matter. That tight, "I'm never going to let go hug."

I don't want it from another man...that isn't what I am saying. No, no....I am in no way wanting that. But I need that feeling.

I am praying, and I ask that you do the same.....I know there isn't a person on the earth that can make me feel that way right now...only God is able. Would you please pray that I have that feeling from Him. That I will feel God's Hug. Oh, I need a tight one. Please pray with me.

Love,
Saundra

Saturday, July 24, 2010

2010-07-24T20:14:00.002-05:00

This weekend has brought tears, laughter, happiness, joy, confusion....just an array of feelings.

I had been wanting to see that movie Inception. Matthew had seen it and loved it. But, I didn't want to go by myself so I really didn't think I would go. But while with Dawn one evening this week we talked about the movie and she said that she wanted to go also. As we were parting, I briefly mentioned that if they went Friday night I would like to go along. (They usually would go out as a family on Friday night). Yeah I thought I would probably feel like the third wheel, but I really wanted to go...and not alone. I didn't think they would go, or if they did, I certainly didn't think that they would consider me....they have enough going on also.

But, sure enough, she called and asked! I had talked to Jay and Marilyn in that time and Jay said he had wanted to see it also. I thought it would be Dawns family and Jay and I. As it turned out it was Dawn, Mark, Jay and myself. I had a great time. I don't know if Jay really wanted to see it, or if he knew my thoughts of being a third wheel and helping me not to feel that. But we all had fun...even though the movie was very hard for us to understand.

I know the Lord put it all together. When I came home from our vacation I felt like I had a new breathe...a new lease on life. I am reading a book about being a single mom, and I am finding that just worrying about the kids is helping no one...not even them. I have praying for God to help me with this. I feel like God is moving me into the next step of my grieving process, my growing process in this journey I am on.

Then, something I absolutely loved to do before was work in the yard during the summer. But, we would usually do that together. But, I just hadn't been able to get motivated to go out there. To do it alone. But today, I started out by doing a little thing...just trimming bushes..but by the end of the day I had accomplished so much and had found that I had spent the majority of the day outside....and I absolutely enjoyed it...again! Thank you Jesus for giving me the joy again!!!

I just wanted to share this. It was a good day! Thank you Jesus!!

Saundra

Thursday, July 22, 2010

2010-07-22T22:12:00.003-05:00

Well, we are home. We left my parents home in Peoria Illinois about 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday. We drove 3 1/2 hours to St. Louis. It was a pretty quiet ride, the kids were all so tired. In fact, Matthew didn't drive that long until he was tired so I took over and drove the last 2 hours.

My mind wonders as I drive. Probably why I hate to drive. All I thought about was what John would have done in this or that situation...in that place...how he would have acted. Then I would think of something funny that happened and I thought I can't wait to tell John.....only to remember that I couldn't tell him anything.

We went straight to our hotel and checked in, walked to the Arch. We were hoping we (they, because I am scared of heights) could go to the top...but it was too long of a wait. It would run into our cardinals game. But as I walked over there memories came real to me. I remembered the first time I was there. It was with John....and I was pregnant with Matthew. I shared with the kids how we went to the top. All the way up I held tight to his hand. When we got to the top....I was ready to go down. Course you have to wait. John was so sweet...he held me close in the middle of the little room (so I wouldn't feel like I was falling) and waited until we could go down. I laughed when I told the kids that I said then that I would never go up there again....and I have kept my promise to myself!

I remember standing at the top of the stairs and standing sideways...John took a picture of me like that...in front of the arch. I remember what he was wearing as I looked at him and smiled. I remember he came up to me, kissed me tenderly and said, "You look beautiful". I have so many memories of that time...and pictures. A time I will never forget.

We went to the game and I was surprised at the seating we had. Having never reserved seats and a game before I had no idea what I was doing when I got these tickets. I knew we had good seat when Matthew, who was sitting down the row from me...with the younger kids in the middle of us.......text me and said, "You did good Momma". I was so happy.

We had a great time at the game. I sat next to Isaac. I just kept thinking how that should have been John there with him. See, Isaac had begged and begged John to go to a Cardinals game. We go by there every summer to see my mom and dad. John told him last summer, that if they were in town this summer when we went through either on the way to or from, that he would take him. Isaac asked me if they were, I checked, found out they were, and felt like I was responsible for that to Isaac.

As I sat at the game next to Isaac. I know that Isaac went there too....I wish.....He had so much fun. It was every father's dream to see his son enjoying the game as Isaac did...I wish......It was every mothers dream to see her son and husband enjoying the game together...I wish. It was a hard evening for me.

I never realized how much John did when getting ready for the trip/vacation. I was overwhelmed the night before. Everything turned out well...and I am sure the next time will be easier for me.

It is hard to look at the pictures...someone...something...is always missing....in everyone of them.

God is doing something in my life. He is opening my eyes to things that are not pleasing to him...in my life and my kids life. Things that have to change for me, for our family, to bring Glory to His name, to be all that God requires of us. Changes....no body likes them. I am fretting over the changes that I feel need to be made...mainly asking the kids to abide by my house rules. I worry about them accepting them. But I want a house filled with His spirit...I want us to be different than the world. We are not different. God is just revealing things to me.

This morning...I was praying about it...asking God to help me know what to do....how to approach the kids...etc. I opened my devotional God Calling, and the first line of the devotion said this: Do what is required of you, let me take care of the outcome. So, there I have it! I have to do what He asks of me...not worry about what the kids will say or do, or how they will react. Not worry about other people and their opinions. I HAVE to do what He requires. He will take care of the rest. Besides...faith without doing is not faith at all. So I have to believe His word. So I prayed and asked God to reveal what all he wants of me, what he wants or needs me to change in my life and the life of my kids while they are in my care. I know he will reveal it to me...as He as already started.

Pray with me. Pray that God will work all things for our good. That I will walk where and how he wants me to. To obey him in doing....and he will take care of the rest.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, July 18, 2010

2010-07-18T22:01:00.002-05:00

Well, today finds us in Peoria Illinois with my parents, my little sister and her twin boys, and my older sister and husband and son. We arrived early evening Friday. It was a long 6 hours from Branson. But we cut it up by stopping. Hannah got to drive for the last 1 hour. She loved that. I won't let her drive where heavy traffic is, and this part of the trip was very lonely on the highway...so she loved it.

Unfortunately, I have had little sleep since I have arrived here. On the way here Rachel complained of an ear ache. Friday night I was up most of the night, then around 3:00 I couldn't take it any more. So she and I made a trip, unknown to anyone else who was getting their beauty sleep, to the local Walgreens. I assumed that it was swimmers ear since that is pretty much all she did in Branson. So, I bought some swimmer's ear drops and some motrin. Came home, gave it to her, and since she was sleeping with me and still had little relieve, we tossed and turned most of the rest of the morning.

Saturday I kept putting the drops in her ear and giving her motrin. Last night it was the same thing....up all night. Then at breakfast, she wouldn't eat anything. She said she just didn't feel good and her ear hurt so bad. So my sister told me about a Med Quick place. Matthew and I took Rach there...unfortunately they are closed on Sundays.

My little sister Debbie works in a doctor's office, so she called one of her doctors and he prescribed amoxicillin and an ear drop. Well, all day today we have used the ear drops...and luckily we got 3 doses of the antibiotic in her. But, tonight we got ice cream and she couldn't even eat it...she said it hurt her ear...all the way through her jaw. So I called Marilyn and she said that she will probably have to see the dr before we leave. Since we plan to stop the night in St. Louis for a cardinals game....she needs to get some relief! I need some relief...especially when I think of the ride/drive home!

Everyone else is doing well though. It has been really relaxing here. We haven't done much...purposefully because I am exhausted. Maybe tomorrow.

Well, keep Rachel in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers. Keep us all in your prayers.

Love,
Saundra

July 14, 2010 Wednesday

2010-07-14T07:18:00.002-05:00

Well, still in Branson. Yeah, I am having a great time. But, oh yes, there are times that I yearn for John to be here. Really it comes mostly when the kids are doing something special or great and I wish so much that he could be with them...to enjoy it with them. I know they miss him. Though none of them have mentioned it...how can they not. I wish I could take the pain away for them. My prayer every morning has been that they would not remember the negative, but would dwell on the positive. That they would be enjoying themselves so much that they could not think of the negative. But, I think that is almost impossible. I know I can be having the time of my life and suddenly there is that thought, that picture...that memory.

We took a family picture (part of the program at Dixie Stampede). As I looked at it, I said "Oh that is a nice family picture.....and then I said, (because Jason couldn't come) "There is just one thing missing...." then I caught myself...there were two things missing.......and it broke my heart.

I wonder....are the kids doing what I am doing? Yes, I am having a good time, but deep inside are they hurting....trying to cover the pain with laughter....trying to pretend it isn't there? I hope not. I want their happiness to deep......

Well, a few more days then we are off to Illinois to see my parents. Today the boys are golfing here at the resort. The girls are swimming...maybe a little shopping. I don't know.....they sure love to swim!!!!

Keep praying....
Saundra

July 12, 2010 Thursday

2010-07-12T21:17:00.002-05:00

It has been a good day. A little rough beginning. I think Matthew is really missing John. He seems deep in thought a lot. Not really talkative. Later in the day he opened up a little more.

Yes, I did the zipline. It was a lot more fun than I expected. I was terrified when we got up at the top...even more scared when I was in that seat ready to go. The girls took pictures and I told them to tag me on them. So if you have a facebook account, and have me as a friend you should be able to see our pictures from the trip.

We are having a great time. The kids are swimming now while I take a breather. I am worn out to say the least.

Thanks again for your prayers. We all know what prayer can do!!!

Saundra

July 12, 2010 Monday

2010-07-12T10:29:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it safefully to Branson. I mean that literally. While driving here...everyone was asleep, Matthew was driving and I suddenly heard Isaac yell, "Matthew, are you awake?" I woke up and asked what happened. He said, "Oh, I fell asleep for a minute." We immediately pulled over and he climbed into the back seat and slept while I drove and Isaac was the co-pilot. What was so amazing was later while discussing it with Isaac, he said that he was asleep and woke up abruptly, and just then was when Matthew swerved. Thank you for your prayers....I believe without a doubt that God woke Isaac and saved us.

Our place is beautiful. The kids are having a great time. I love to see them laugh. Matthew and gramps have many days of golf planned.

Meanwhile...my mind is boggled with things to do!!! I told the kids...besides golfing and swimming they would each get to pick one special thing for all of us to do. Big decision!!!

Keep praying!

Love,

Saundra

Saturday, July 10, 2010

2010-07-10T07:25:00.002-05:00

Well, one day until vacation. Thank you for your prayers. The Lord has strengthen me, and I was reminded this morning to FOCUS on Him. The devotional said that when negative thoughts come to me to right away turn my focus on Him and talk to Him about about them. I am trying to do that whenever a negative thought of the trip comes to my mind.

My sister-in-law from Colorado has been here for the last couple of days. It has been so refreshing to have she and her two girls here with me. She has blessed me in ways she will probably never know. We had a great time of sharing yesterday morning while everyone was still in bed. It was good for me to go back and relive some things that I haven't been able to. We cried together, praised God together and rejoiced. She and her girls have been a reprieve from my everyday life. It has been wonderful. (mmmm, wonder if God managed to have her come right at this time, as I struggle with this trip, to let me get a glimpse of what I will feel on this trip? Joy? Calmness? Reprieve? Refreshed?mmmmmm could it be?) I don't think it was a coincidence?

Answers to prayers...Oh My Word! God has been faithful. I wish you could see the bond that is building between Isaac and Matthew. God's hand is all over it! When Matthew isn't at work....they are together! In fact...when he is at work...Isaac has sometimes gone with him! Last night...all the girls were doing things together...and of course I start fretting over what I would do with Isaac. When I got home to get everyone together for dinner...Isaac and Matthew were gone. I text Matthew.....he had Isaac at HIS friends house and was going to get him dinner! Isaac's Pal that I have been praying for....for this season....is right here...I am convinced...and it is Matthew. I don't believe it is just for Isaac either....I believe it is for Matthew also. He loves being the Big Brother...I can tell.

Hannah and Rachel are starting to do things together more often. Hannah is actually starting to ask Rach to do things. Then other evening....Hannah pulled me aside and told me that she wanted to give Rach a surprise facial and foot soak. So Hannah and I went and bought a few of the necessities for such and they spent most of the evening in their bedroom with each other. I loved it. I was going to join them, but I think I was checked by the Lord.....THEY needed this time together. Haven't I been praying for this? So, I told them that next time we would all do it together. They have been wanting to go get pedicures. But, don't we all know what those cost. So I have told them that we will all just do each others sometime and make an evening for it.

Yesterday was the Bethany School Foundation Annual Golf Tournament. Matthew, Isaac, Jason, and Jay played as a group. As much as Isaac loves golf, he did not want to go when it came time yesterday morning. I had to physically get him out of bed. After he and Matthew left, I sat and talked with God about it. I believe it was this....John, Isaac and Matthew have played in this every year since the boys could play. I think Isaac could not come to grips with playing without John. I believe it with all my heart. So, I felt badly about making him get up. I went out later and he was a happy little boy. He had made an eagle on a hole (that is a good thing). He and Matthew both seemed to be having fun. Later, their team won the tournament. I thought "this is a good year for it to happen". I mean, they usually did win....but it was good that they win without John. You know what I mean? I hope that didn't sound awful. But I think it would have been a sad day for them had they not won. So, they all came home feeling very good. As though....A WIN FOR JOHN.

Well, please pray for traveling mercies for us. I have been praying for God to place a hedge of His angels around us, protecting us from our own carelessness on the road as well as others. I pray for His joy, peace, and contentment. I have also, and ask that you, pray for our minds to not think of John not being with us, but just to focus on the fun that we will be having. I know that is going to be the hard part for all of us. That John isn't there. Kind of like the golf tournament. He will be missed. But I don't want, and I pray, that that will not be our (especially the kids) focus. Please pray that way.

Well, computer is going in case now...well maybe tonight....and if I can get wi-fi anywhere....I will let you in on our trip. Pray for us....I covet them....

Saundra

July 8, 2010....Thursday

2010-07-08T07:58:00.002-05:00

Wow..thanks for your prayers and comments. I appreciate them...each and everyone.

Well, I was continuing to worry...which I have come to believe and see (from people who are not even tackling a task like mine....) that there are worries to every trip. Mine is just magnified because of all the circumstances.

But, God came in his sweet way this morning during my devotions and gave me a little saying for me to use during this time...during the trip. But I want to share the devotion with you. It is so rich. It comes from the devotional book..Dear Jesus by Sarah Young. It is written in prayer format....as if I am praying the words...then God gives his reply. Sometimes it is right on..like today.

This one is entitled...My Grace is sufficient for you, but it is sufficient for ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Dear Jesus,
I desperately need to learn how to live in the present moment. My mind so easily slips into the future, where worries abound. I ALSO spend way too much time analyzing the things in the PAST. Meanwhile, splendors of the present moment parade before me and I am too preoccupied to notice. My problem is to strive for self-sufficiency. Help me learn to rest in Your sufficiency, depending on You more and more.

BELOVED, you need My grace in order to live in the present.....Do you really believe My grace is sufficient for you? If so, then it makes sense to stop your anxious striving.

My grace is indeed sufficient for every situation you will EVER encounter. However, you must learn to receive My provisions by looking to Me continually.

Each day you face a number of situations requiring My help. Moment by moment, I proffer to you the needed assistance. Your part is to recognize your neediness and receive what I offer. My Presence is with you ALWAYS, providing everything you need. Don't worry about tomorrow's needs. My sufficiency is for one day at a time----TODAY!!!!!

..But He said to me, :My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

...Those who look to him are radiant....

....And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus....

....Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.....

WOW! I was moved. I was scolded. I have not dwelt on this! His Grace is sufficient.

Whenever God reveals something to me (and this is nothing new to me...I have heard this scripture since I can remember....but it means something more to me now) I like to try to think of a way to remember it throughout the day....to apply it when I need it...or when I have a quiet moment to again reflect on it. So...I am remembering this today....

His Grace is sufficient....
His Grace...
On my face!!! (the scripture above Psalm 34:5..says "those that look to him are radiant") what a witness I
can be!

I wept as I was revealed this. Didn't have anyone to share it with...so I came to you. I was so excited.

Continue to pray for me/us. I know we will have a good time. I am still somewhat afraid...but.....His Grace IS sufficient. He will provide as I need.

I am taking my computer and hope to post while I am away. Just to keep my faithful readers informed and to let you know of any prayer requests.

Don't forget to pray. I am coveting them on this trip....all the time!

Love,
Saundra

Monday, July 5,2010

2010-07-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a little hard. Not as hard as I expected. That is what they say though; worrying and waiting for 'that' day to come is worse than the 'day' itself. I think the time that was the hardest and saddest to me was when I was sitting at the parade and went back to the last 4th...how we sat next to each other in our chairs and enjoyed the parade together. Then...I really missed him

Then yesterday (Sunday) I was cleaning up the home computer and was going through the pictures we have. I found pictures of John. The memories came flooding back. Then the tears came. I had my little moment of nostalgia and missing him.

Now....I am heading toward something for the first time again. And I am pleading for prayers. We will be heading to Branson this coming Sunday. I am scared. I will be honest. John was such the head of our home that he took care of all the little things that needed to be done...and the big. All I had to do was get packed. I didn't worry about gas, car problems, money, the route, the places we would go...nothing. There was such security in him. I just trusted him.

Now, my trust is in the Lord. But I can't help it, I am scared. I am scared that Matthew won't get the car top carrier on securely enough, I am afraid we may get lost, I am afraid of car troubles.....it goes on and on. I am keeping myself awake at night. I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know where to begin as I plan this trip. I feel lost.

I am trying to put up a brave and excited front for the kids... but it is hard. My mind wonders a lot.....
Please pray for me. Pray for God to give me a peace. The strength I need rests in Him.....I just need help believing it right now. My fear overwhelms my common sense and my heart. Please pray for me.

Pray for our safety, and protection. Pray for a good time. Just pray.

Love,
Saundra

Saturday July 3, 2010

2010-07-03T21:05:00.002-05:00

I think this week has been the best week I have had yet. Thank you Jesus!!! When I decided that I was going to accept my circumstance as God's Will, and he was going to make me more like Him through it, my days changed. They seemed more relaxed, more fun. I didn't dwell on the negative circumstances in my life...but the good...and what God is doing.

Isaac and I went to Lincoln Golf Course and ate lunch with Matthew Thursday. Then that afternoon Isaac played 18 holes of golf while I drove the cart. We had so much fun. We laughed and talked and talked and laughed. And I remembered then, that John and I used to talk about how, if John didn't make a one on one time with Isaac every once in a while, Isaac would become angry, sullen and disobedient. John would then take him out and do something out of the ordinary with him...and guess what? He would be a great kid again. We just decided that he needed that one on one time just to regroup...or whatever it was. But we came to realize that John would have to do that.

So, I guess that lays on me now! Because he has been so fun since Thursday. Very respectful and very happy. He has been fun to be around.

Friday, the girls and I just hung out with each other. We went to Pink Swirls and then to a movie Friday night. We had a great time together.

While we were doing that Matthew and Isaac entertained about 9 of Matthew's friends at our house. When the girls and I got home at 10 or so...there they were in our living room. Having a great time! It was so fun to see them all here....to see matthew enjoying himself...and allowing Isaac to share in the fun.

It was all a blessing to me. And as I lay my head down to sleep I thanked the Lord. I thank Him, that life is becoming a little more normal. I just have to keep my focus on Christ...no matter the circumstances. He is working all things for our good.

On a sad note....a very sad note..we had to put Boo our 3 year old cat to sleep. She had some kind of allergy that would have to be treated all her life. I knew I just couldn't afford that. I cried because Isaac considered her "his" cat. He slept with her a lot and was the only one that had a way to make her stay and sleep on his lap. She would not do that with anyone but him. As of yet, he doesn't know. I am having such a hard time telling him. While he is doing so well. He thinks she is still at the vet for tests. It breaks my heart. So, I am looking for a kitten I can get him. I have to replace it. I can't have him having these losses. I can't. I don't know how he will deal with it. Please pray for him...and me.

Pray for the new day...the new life..Christ has given us. We are all being made over into his image...and it is an adventure.....

Love,
Saundra

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

2010-06-29T10:09:00.003-05:00

I first have to tell you the learning experience I had Sunday a.m. If you are reading this, then you know me pretty well, and you know that I have cleaved to Sallye Siems. She has been there for me Sunday morning after Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to sit alone in either church or S.S. Church isn't so bad....but going into S.S. is so hard. Not only do I feel so alone, I feel like I stand out as a sore thumb, and it brings back many memories of John and I in class together. So, the Lord has used her to be my "faithful sister" on Sundays.

Saturday evening I got a text from Sallye that she wasn't going to be there. They were going out of town. I panicked. But would never, never let her know that. She has every right to be with her family. I didn't want her to be torn. So, I cheerfully text her back and told her to have fun. But in the pit of my stomach I was sick. I already was thinking of who I could ask to sit with. Then, a thought occurred to me...."leave it to me". I knew right away it was the Lord. "Leave it to me". It just kept resounding in my head. All evening Saturday, when I would begin to think of who I could ask, I would hear that same thing, "Leave it to me."

Isaac and I had a hard morning. Just butting heads as usual. Church went great. I enjoyed the sermon and the message so much. When it came time to go to Sunday School, I had to bite my tongue not to ask one of the kids to sit with me...I had even thought of asking Marilyn to come with me. But all I heard was, "Leave it to Me". So I hushed.

As I walked into Sunday School Class whose eyes would meet mine...but Joan's (her last name escapes me now). She came right to me and asked how things were. Because my heart is still raw, and I had such a terrible morning with Isaac I broke down and shared my feelings with her. It wasn't long until Cyndi Curry and Mike Curry came along beside us and began to share their experiences with me. All three were such terrific comfort and help to me. Then Joan led me to sit beside her. I sat down next to her...actually between she and Cyndi, and I had to smile. Yes indeed, He had taken care of it. Just as He had promised. But I had to LET Him. I felt so comforted. So, loved. It opened my eyes to a small glimmer of what Jesus can do when we LET Him.

This morning started as any other morning. I woke about 5:30 and came out, got a cup of Joe and came into my God Time Chair. I read the suggested reading from our church bulletin, a little bit of 2 Timothy and then in my "Reading through the Bible Bible. Then I have three books that have been my eyes into what God is teaching me for a specific day. It never amazes me how they either are all three regarding the same thing on a given day, or they combine to teach me an amazing truth.

So, I opened God Calling: It said to me. "You can never go beyond My Love and Care. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use much be the right ones for you.

The first step: Lay your will before Me as an offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that what I do for you will be best.

Second Step: Be sure and tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything, that no miracle is impossible with me.

THEN: Leave all with me. Sure of safety and protection...you cannot see the future, I can.

Accept My Will and it will bring you joy.

God's word to me? (and to some of you this may be a "well yeah! of course..thing. but to me it was eyes opening)...
He could have healed and saved John. I now believe that. Before I was scared to admit that because then I didn't know why he wouldn't. But through this small message...yes...he could have healed John. He could have brought Him back to us perfect. But He chose not to. For whatever reason He chose not to. I have to accept that as God's will. Jesus did not want to accept that it was His Father's will that He died on the cross, but He did accept it. And look what happened!!!!! Nothing but good came from it.

So, I accept God's death. I don't have to be happy about it...I don't rejoice about it. Naturally, he is gone, there is a big void in my/our lives. But there is a reason for all He does. I will wait for that to be revealed. But he could have, He chose not to. I accept God's will.

Dear Jesus Book Says: Trust in Me with all your heart and mind, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight.

The prayer: Trusting you with all my heart has been my goal for years. My mind is ravenous for understanding. I want to trust You wholeheartedly, but I feel stuck.

God's Word...Your desire to trust Me wholeheartedly is pleasing to me. I m providing training through your life expreriences. Allow Me to do this supernatural work in your heart. Recognize that many of the difficulties in your life are designed to help in this endeavor.

I want you to trust Me with all your heart and all your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you thing trusting thoughts. Instead of relying on your own understanding to help you feel in control, as My Spirit to control your mind. Then, wait confidently to see results. As you look to Me, trusting Me and talking with Me, I straighten out the path before you.

God's Word to me....Trust me. Now that you know that this is all my will and in my control, trust me. Don't try to figure things out. Just trust me.

And then Lastly...Jesus Calling: As you get out of Bed in the Morning, be aware of My Presence with you. Your early morning thoughts tend to be anxious ones until you get connected with me. Invite Me into your thoughts by whispering my name.

I am with you--you face nothing alone. You and I together can handle anything. It is this YOU AND I TOGETHER factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully.

God's word to me: Live in my presence. You have accepted my will, you are learning to trust me...now live in my presence.

See how he tied all those together for me? I don't know. It may just be for me and know one else understands. But I feel a peace.

I went to the cemetery today and talked with John. Told him all I have learned. Told him God's neat revelation and truth to me. Maybe...if he can hear me...he will see that I am growing in the Spirit and know that indeed "all things work for the good of those who love the Lord."

By the way...thank you to the sweet person that put the sticker on the little bench that says, "Jesus Loves John". I was moved. Someone, besides family, loves him and has not forgotten himn. Thank you, thank you.

I love this day.......I love the Lord....Join me in thanking Him for revealing His truth to me....
Saundra

Saturday, June 26, 2010

2010-06-26T12:31:00.002-05:00

Well, this has been a hard week. As I look back I know the Lord has helped me.

Isaac had his toe operated on...just an ingrown toenail. But, he couldn't go to white water...so he was stuck at home all week. Made him very miserable. So we haven't gotten along at all.

Matthew and I had a financial argument last night. Ended up alright..but nonetheless, it kind of took the wind out my sails...which were doing pretty well!

It really gets me down and out when I argue with any of the kids. It just really saddens me. So, I try..at all costs usually, to keep from arguing with them. But, when I do...it puts me in a very sad mood for a while until I can pray my way out of it.

Hannah and I haven't been getting along. I want her to spend more time with us. Isaac and Rachel especially have been wanting her to spend some time with them. But, she is the social butterfly...she wants to be with her friends. So we go round and round bout that.

I don't know. It just seems like we are so miserable and uptight...all of us. We just jump at each other's throats lately. I try to keep in calm and quiet...but it seems things are pretty miserable.

Our home just seems unhappy right now. For all of us. It seems that the kids all only think of themselves. I know this is typical. But it is so bad here. They don't care what the other feels. It breaks my heart!

Matthew was looking so forward to a camping trip last night and today...and everyone that said they were going changed their mind. It made him very sad. So...there I am sad also.

One thing I have learned is that I want the kids happy at any cost. I know I can't do that. That it really isn't my responsibility...or is it? Each one is on my mind...whether at home or away from me. I worry if everything is going okay for them. If not, what do I need to do to make them happy?

I can't say no to them. I can't. I try...I can't. Sometimes I am so weary I can hardly take another step...but I keep going.....Yesterday was White water from 11-4. Then home....then to Bueno...then to Frontier City. I could hardly move. But...Isaac couldn't go to white water with us..so I felt like I had to make it up to him by going to Frontier City.

I tell myself that I am tired of trying to make everyone happy...but then I just have to do it again.

I cried so hard last Thursday evening. The kids wanted to go to Frontier City for the first time this summer (yes we went Th and Friday!!!) so I told them we would go. I was so tired. But more than anything I was sick to my stomach as I thought...I am taking them by myself!!!! I will be sitting by myself!!!! ( I can't do rides!) I became so overwhelmingly sick and lonely.

But....I went. We went. It was very lonely for me. My sister, Chris, from Illinois called when I was there...I cried when she asked me what I was doing and I told her. She said she wanted to be down here with me. I explained that when I thought of anyone who I wanted to ask to go with me...they either had a family....so couldn't afford it....single...couldn't afford it...or wouldn't be able to bear the heat... had a family and had to be with them. There was just no one. I AM ALONE! I have determined that basically I AM ALONE!!!! My kids have their friends, my friends have their families (that I can't ask to leave just to be with me), Jay and Marilyn have each other, Dawn has her family and responsibilities......I AM ALONE.

I thought alot this week that I would just give up. Not on life...but on living. I am really not living anyway. I just get through one day...to face another. Take care of the kids...make sure they are alright...and go on. I am not happy....don't know if I ever will be. There is always a longing, a void, a dark corner.......I don't think I care about myself anymore. I have noticed that make up is less and less. Get up....go for a ride on my bike, come home...meet the needs of the kids. That is it for me. That is all I do.

In my devotions...over and over and over again....they tell me to keep my focus on God. I have tried this week...but I always fall short. Today...I am trying...but I can't seem to climb that mountain to meet him.

Bless Marilyn's heart. I called her to see if they were making their usual Saturday run to Sam's. They were not. When she found out I needed to go she said she could find a reason. Sweet as she is....I know the reason...she didn't want me to go alone. It breaks my heart that she is trying so hard to meet my needs...when she has so many of her own. See, I can't and don't want to be a burden to anyone....

I do want to thank Mariann Schmidt and Kelly Stout. Friday we went to White Water...I have always sat alone...alll day. Well yesterday (Friday) they saw me walking alone and Kelly called me over. I ended sitting by them. I have to say it was one of the best days I have had there. The other best day was when Dawn, Allison and Emma came with me and Rach. But it is so lonely for me there...but again....the kids love it there....so there I am.

Well, better get to Sam's. The kids have plans for us tonight. I will have to be ready to go for that.

Pray for me....

June 23, 2010 ,Wednesday

2010-06-23T16:22:00.005-05:00

It's been kind of quiet here this week. Seems that everyone has their own thing to do. Except me. I feel lonely. Feel like I am wearing Marilyn and Jay down going to their house all the time. Don't have anywhere else to go....

Hannah went to Basketball camp this week...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She just got home today. Pretty much was "hello" and "good bye". She is a social butterfly. I wouldn't want it any other way though. She is happy.

Isaac will just not go anyway unless it is with me or gramps. I don't understand it. He had toe surgery on Monday...so that added to his staying at home. He loves white water...but can't do that right now and actually for several more days. He is pretty grumpy at times. He has had friends ask him to do things....and I am grateful to them for trying, but he just won't do it. He doesn't even want to golf like he used to.

Rachel and I were on our way to Target on Tuesday. We were almost to the cemetery so I just asked her kind of flippantly, "Do you want to stop and see daddy's new memorial stone and the bench we put there?" She said she did. So, we went. I told her as we got out that it was okay to cry. We held hands and walked to the place. She was in a full blown cry when we got there, and I started soon after. We walked around it and she read it. And just cried and cried. We hugged each other and talked about how much we missed him...but it was going to be alright.

Then I told her that I had started something that the Jews do and that is whenever they go to the cemetery to see someone they lay a pebble on their memorial stone. It is to let other people know that the person is not forgotten. That someone is still thinking of them. So I told her I was doing the same thing. So we looked around and found a pebble and placed it on the base of the memorial.

After talking to her this morning we decided that we would go get some of those decorative pebbles that they use in vases. So I have to go get some.

We left and went onto Target. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a while and waiting for our tears to dry and our eyes to clear up some.

I don't know if she was really ready. But I didn't have to persuade her, so I feel like she may have thought she was ready. Though she cried I think she did well. But, my heart broke for her.

Then last night as I was reading facebook I see that Matthew posted "I miss the way things used to be". I am telling you...my stomach did a flip and I was so sick to my stomach.

I have decided that when I know one of the kids are hurting...it makes me sicker than if it were myself. And i was sick. I was sick until he got home from work and I asked him if he was alright. He hugged me for a long time and told me that he was okay. Then went into to go to bed, came out and kissed my forhead, told me he loved me...and went into bed. I know he is hurting. But, I have learned with Matthew that he likes and wants to work it out himself.

Well, I just wanted to let you know how the week was going. Keep praying for us.

Love,
Saundra

Father's Day...June 20, 2010

2010-06-20T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well this has been an interesting week or two. Honestly, I can't remember when i was on here last.

Many things have happened. All answers to prayers. I want to share with you what has happened in our home the last few days.

I am becoming closer and closer to God. I am understanding His word more and more. I am able to apply so much of it to my life.

For instance; I don't like telling you one day that things are good, then the next I am down. I am afraid that you will doubt my faith. I, too, have doubted my faith. But when i was reading my Bible the other day, I was reading about Elijah, when all the prophets were going to be killed. Elijah thought he was the only one left. He said to God, "I am finished! I am done!!!" He was hurting, scared and afraid. God told him to go sit under and tree to be fed. So, Elijah went and sat down and the Lord fed him. When he had enough strength, the Lord told him to go to a cave. And when he did there were many more prophets there.

Now, I am no theologist...but what spoke to me about that was that Elijah ...ELIJAH...a PROPHET OF GOD, GOD' PROPHET...was even afraid. Wanted to give up. Was broken. And then, God revealed himself to Elijah.

Well, I am going to have good days....but it is okay for me to have the bad days too. And it is those bad days that the Lord will strengthen me, and help me to know where to go, where I am safe...and to make sure I know that I am not alone....in any way.

We prayed for Matthew a car. Well he got one. I am not sure the precious person that gave it to him wants their name known...so I will not take it upon myself to reveal that. But, I know that God worked a miracle. Matthew knows it...each of the kids know it. This angel allowed God to use them in a mighty way. What a blessing they are. I pray that God bless them mightily. We have been blessed. Matthew is so happy. And I am happy to get my explorer back!!!!

Isaac is making great strides...I feel. He is trying to make better choices and be more compliant to me. He still misses his daddy...and I am still praying for a "buddy".

We received a gift from a "LifeShare Donor Recipient". The moment I saw the package I could have cried. Matthew stood by me as I opened it. It was a pencil sketch/drawing of one of my most favorite pictures of John. This man that had drawn it had received a heart transplant back in the 90's. He vowed that he would never forget his Donor Family. And that he would celebrate each life that was a donor by sketching/drawing a picture of the Donor. John. I cried and cried. It was/is beautiful. Just beautiful.

I never imagined that today would be as hard as it was. We had decided, as a family (Griffis' and Williams' family as well), we would not celebrate Father's Day. Jay just refused. He did not want to. I did not want to. It was just too hard. BUT, it was Jay's birthday so we decided that we would celebrate his birthday.

I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It as awful. I text a friend for help. I felt like I was slipping into a pit of despair. (Kind of like Elijah I thought). I had my devotions, and they just didn't seem to reach me. I was so sad. Went to church, and it just killed me to see the pain in the kids eyes. We talked a little on the way to church...I explained to them that we didn't have to be sad, that we could celebrate the good times, the fun times that we had with John. But I got no response. The sadness was overwhelming.

Church was agonizing....sunday school was agonizing. Though the prayer, the wonderful prayer that Danny gave up to Heaven for the families without was wonderful. It seemed everyone was so aware of my pain, my loss, the kids etc.

I walked home sobbing. I just couldn't stand it. But I just kept hearing a voice that was saying to keep going...don't give up. I kept praying.."Father to the fatherless, defender of widows..." over and over.

We did have dinner and celebrated Jay. But underneath I could tell we all wanted to cry. All of us.

The day is almost over. I am ready for it to be.

I visited John's place today. I wish you all would go visit. The memorial stone is there. It is beautiful. A beautiful place to visit.

I hope you will go by and see the memorial stone.

Keep praying for all of us. When we have days like this....it makes me remember how much I need prayers...how much my kids need prayers....that we are still in the desert.

Love,
Saundra

Monday June 13. 2010

2010-06-14T09:16:00.004-05:00

Rain, Rain. It's beautiful to me. Another showing of God's Power.

Things are going good here. It was a hard week last week as I stated last. But this week is looking up.

Matthew is doing good. Spent the weekend with Jonathon and friends in Texas playing golf. It was a great time for him. A good time for him to get away from "it all". You know, I know things come to my mind often when I am out doing something that John and I used to do. I wonder...How many times did Matthew wish his daddy was there? I only hope that he got past those thoughts and dwelt on where,what and who he was with. He did have a great time. I wish I knew more about golf. You would think I would! But he came home gushing with stories about the course he played. I tried to understand...acted like I did. I hope he knew I cared. I know I cannot input as John did.

Hannah is doing okay. I feel like she is doing a lot of thinking about the Lord, her life...and now her future for college. She is concerned about money to go...I know that. I would love for her to go to SNU...but she knows it would be cheaper somewhere else. So, she is even thinking that way. It surprised me that she brought it up Saturday. So, I know she is starting to think like that. I just tell her that we will walk through every door that the Lord opens for us...we just have to keep ourselves aware.

Isaac...Isaac. What God is doing in his life is amazing. He still has his "Isaac" moments...but he is changing. I told you he got ride of some music I didn't approve of. And that next morning when Matthew and I went in to wake him...there he lay...with his Bible open.....sound to sleep. He had fallen asleep reading his Bible. Something I hadn't seen since I can remember. He seems more amicable. Eager to please and do what is right. God is working. He still doesn't have that "Pal" that I am continually praying for...but God is working....that is all I need to know.

Rachel is doing good. I know she thinks of John often. But, she also keeps herself busy with her friends. She is either at their house or they are here. But she seems happy. I know she is wiser in the things of the Lord than most her age...just because of the faith that she has had to have...the prayers she has seen answered....the "God" talk she has heard. She knows. She is wise. I just pray that God uses all this for His Glory.

I had a great devotional time the other morning. I have been waiting to share it with you ...but I wanted time to be able to sit and type it. With all the rain, the kids still in bed this seems to be the time.

I have been memorizing John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. Because I want God's Will in my life. That is all I desire. It is hard to say some of the things in the Covenant prayer. For instance....Put me to doing, Put me to SUFFERING!!! It was hard for me to say that for a while. I felt like I had suffered enough. For me to say that would give him my permission to have me suffer more...(like he needs my permission!!!!!). Anyway, one morning as I was saying it, I came to that word again...I thought....and finally I thought..."Yes, Lord....suffering...whatever for your sake, for your name....if I had to do it again....yes Lord...Put me to suffering".

But, as the Lord's Prayer changed my life as I read it.....so is the Covenant Prayer. I am beginning to give my life to the Lord everyday...in a different way...whatever Lord.

On June 13....my eyes were opened...in God Calling it read: (and so I wouldn't have to type it all I am typing you only the things I highlighted that I felt God was speaking to me)

You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you. looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hears.

And then...on the same morning....this in Jesus Calling:

I am creating something new in you: a bubbling spring of Joy that spills over into others' lives. Watch and delight as My Spirit flows through you to bless others. Let yourself become a reservoir of the Spirit's fruit.

Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you. Don't try to control the streaming of My Spirit through you. Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with LOVE, JOY, AND PEACE.

I got so excited when I read this. What does He have in store as He bends My Will towards His Will. I just pray that He use me.

I do know one thing. Joy.....my job is to be filled with Joy. He wants it to flow from me to others...to change others lives.

Use me Lord....Fill me...Use me....all to Your Glory.

Pray for me as I feel I am entering into a new stage of my grief, of my life. Pray for my children...that GOd will fill the gap/hole that has been left behind. Bend their will toward His. Bless them with His Salvation. Use them Lord.

Pray for our finances....Matthew needs a car..pray for God to work in that area...whether it be through us...our own doing ...or using His people. Or none at all...whatever he chooses....

I want Your Will Lord.

Saundra

June 10, Thursday

2010-06-10T10:55:00.002-05:00

This week has been a difficult week. But, God has certainly carried I and the kids through it.

It has been a lonely week for me. The kids, involved with Basketball camps, and vbs, and Matthew at work, left me alone every morning. I realized how alone I was. Being alone....meant my mind wondering...to the past...which led me to sadness. Had to get over that hurdle. A hurdle it was. It took me several day, a lot of Bible reading, a lot of praying. I learned a lot these last few days.

Then Matthew came to me Sunday morning and showed me that he had quite a lump on the right side of his chest. It was pretty evident when i looked at it. So, we showed it to Marilyn Sunday at noon and she suggested seeing Dr. Brown. We made an appointment and went to see him Tuesday morning. He gave us several things it could be and sent Matthew out to the Oklahoma Breast Care center for an ultra sound.
His appointment was Tuesday with Dr. Brown, his appointment at the clinic on Thursday. I had to ask the Lord for patience. And I began praying for Matthew.

It was funny that Wednesday morning when I got up for devotions, turned my music on and there was a song about faith. Not only that...all my Bible reading was about Faith....and my devotions were about Faith! I knew then that God was asking me to have more faith. My faith needed to grow. So my prayer began that God would increase my faith. It is just so hard when it involves your child...as you already know! But, it made me pray all the more for faith and for Matthew.

We went in this morning for his ultra sound. When he went in he came back out and said they had done a mammogram. I (we) didn't even know they were going to do one of those, so that threw me! They did see something on the mammogram so they took him back for an ultra sound.

Praise the Lord....he has what they call gynecomastia. They gave me a paper on it...and this is what it says:

Gynecomastia often occurs at puberty. Gynecomastia may result when the hormones begin to fluctuate between the ages of 11 and 17. ...(it also says that there is an adult gynecomastia....The enlargement may start in one breast and then include the other Bilateral is usually the symptom of a hormonal imbalance, medications or underlying disease but is not related to cancer of the breast.

There is a lot more to be said about it...but I just needed to hear that it wasn't related to cancer. Dr. Brown had mentioned that it could be the medications he is on for depression. So, when I read this and remembered what Dr. Brown had said I was immediately calmed. They will send the results to Dr. Brown and he will decide what to do next. Usually they dissolve on their own, but it could take up to or more than 2 years. If they are too big, or uncomfortable, they can be removed. Medications may need to be changed also. So, we will see what Dr. Brown suggests for Matthew. But, I am praising the Lord that that is all it is.

Isaac has been listening to less than desirable music. Has been for a while. I have, as you know, been praying especially for him. In need of a friend....bending of his will to the Lord's etc. Well, we were out alone together and I talked to him about his music. Course he declared all the reasons that it was okay. Then I said, "What if Jesus...." He interrupted me and said (with a smile), "Oh, I hate this question". When I asked if Jesus was there would he give him his earphones and let him listen. He smiled and then told me that Yes he would. Then we both laughed...like yea, whatever.

I went out to Lincoln to take Matthew dinner and his meds. On my way, Isaac called and said, "Mommy, I deleted all those songs off that are not good songs." I was so happy! What an answer to prayer. I didn't have to fight him, I didn't have to argue my point. I believe God spoke to a very tender heart.

This morning when I went in to wake him for vbs, I almost cried. There, laying beside him on his bed...was his open Bible. He had been reading it before he fell asleep last night. I was so happy. I believe God is doing something so incredible that we will be surprised. Though we shouldn't be because God is faithful. But it will be fun to stand back, keep praying...and watch what God will do!

We had been having trouble with Hannah's truck since last week. Jay, bless his heart, had tried everything he knew what to do. He called Eric Lang from Christian Brothers and he said to take it in. We did on Monday. I got a call on Tuesday and it had been fixed. And...they did it all free. I want to thank them on here and anytime I get a chance. For allowing God to use their business for his glory. You know they advertise on their company car that they are doing it for God's Glory. It is nice to know that there are some businesses that stand up to what they say. I do want to give them thanks, but I also want to thank the Lord for using His faithful followers, and calling on them to help me.

So, it has been an incredible week. Both lonely and sad, but happy and grateful. To the people who are sensitive to the Lords spirit and voice and to the Lord, for taking care of me just as he promises he will do.

My prayer would remain for Isaac. Pray that God bring him a friend that would be available to him. That have the same things in common and enjoy being with Isaac.

Pray for Matthew a car. He is driving the Explorer for most of the time because it is much safer for him to drive it to work than the Saturn. But, at the same time I am not too sure about me to drive it either! So, the cheaper thing to do would be to get an older car, but reliable for him to drive. So, pray that somehow, some way, through Christ, it will work out.

Pray for each of my kids to experience God. I pray that they will be blessed with His salvation.

Bless each of you that read this and pray for us. I am praying for you also. It is the prayers of His people that have put me where I am today. Thank you.

Love,
Saundra

June 7, 2010 Monday

2010-06-07T10:51:00.002-05:00

This has not been a good morning. Hope my day gets better.

I have had good days and bad lately. The ww passes and the tickets to the Redhawks game have helped a lot to make my days better. I don't have so much time to think. Plus, it puts some normalcy back into our lives.

Yesterdays sermon was great...as it has been the past several Sundays. I have to ask myself...what bread does the Lord have for me today? I actually had my own perspective on that line. Mine was that he will give me just the strength I need for today. Just the help I need for today. Just the "manna" I will need for today....and tomorrow will bring another day. But pastors sermon was a big help to me also. That He gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And it is hard to face the fact that sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. But, thank the Lord, He does know what is best.

Yesterday was lonely. Matthew was in his room with a bud all day. Hannah was gone. Rach is at Basketball camp until Wednesday...and Isaac was in his room. It seemed very lonely. I had to run to target. As I was heading there I came to the cemetery. I didn't even expect it, but I turned....quickly...and decided to go in. I went and sat by John's place for a while. Just cried, apologized for pain I ever caused him. Told him how much I missed him. How much the kids missed him. Then just sat quietly. A bird came and landed close by. I thought...you know, God is so wonderful to make such a beautiful bird. And it was as if the Lord said, "And your life will be beautiful again." There is a hope in Christ.

Course, I noticed that there was still no grass so I searched in the car and thankfully, it was a messy and I found an old Sonic cup. I made trip after trip and watered the ground. Hopefully it helped some.

Today is even lonelier than yesterday. Matthew is at work. Hannah is at Basketball camp at SNU. Rach is still gone. Isaac is at VBS. Thanks to Glenn Adams he is working VBS. He needed to get out. I am so thrilled for him. But it is lonely here. Normally John and I would be working on a project, riding bikes, etc. Which is why I set here now in tears.

We have been having nothing but trouble w Hannahs little truck. It won't stay charged. Plus, the saturn is on its last leg. We are checking the mileage on the explorer. Jay and I took Hannah's truck into the Eric Long's shop this morning. Trying to decide if I should trade the Saturn in and get something cheap for Matthew. All this just loading me down. Burdening me. I strive to put it in his hands...but always take it back. Pray for me.

Then this morning...in spite of my sadness, in spite of all going around and around in my mind, and boggling it...I decided to go on a bike ride. Headed down 39th exp toward Lake O and got a flat just as I turned down the lakeside drive....I just cried for a minute, looked to see if I thought I could change it, decided I couldn't. Cried some more...then called Jay. He picked me up, we put it in his van and I could hold it no more. I know he is hurting too, but I fell apart in his arms. Why? Why?

My bread....My bread...He knows what is best. That keeps going thru my mind. I am not instantly healed of my pain, my tears. But I have a hope. I sit and cry. I hurt. I hurt badly today. I miss John badly today.

So much. There is so much racing through my mind. I feel like I am losing it. I am losing focus. I am losing my hope.......

Pray for me. Pray for me. Pray that I will find peace, hope and strength to carry on. That these problems, which I know are really tiny compared to so many other things......pray that I will have victory.

Pray for Isaac to have a buddy, not a friend, a buddy come into his life so the void will be filled. So, he will want to do things with him, have time for him and teach Isaac.

Pray for the truck. That it won't be anything serious. Pray for direction with the saturn. Pray that God will reveal his will for me....I know he has one...even for what to do in this instance. Help me to shut out the voice around me and listen for My Fathers.

Pray...pray for the kids to be blessed by His Salvation. Pray for all of us.

Saundra

Friday, June 4, 2010

2010-06-04T23:43:00.002-05:00

It has been a little while since I have been on here. Since getting the ww passes I have been gone everyday....and now sunburned. But the kids are having so much fun! I didn't know they would enjoy it half as much as they have. It has done me good to see that.

Tuesday we spent the whole day at ww. Then, when we got home, we found a surprise in the mail and we were able to go to a Redhawks game that night! We loved that so much. Thank you so much to the sweet angel that did sent that. There was hardly anyone there. It was like having the whole place to ourselves. A tradition we used to have when we went to the Redhawks game was at the seventh inning stretch we would get the kids Dipin' Dots. A little expensive if you ask me, but it is a special treat for them....that is all they are allowed and they know that. So it works out really well. We usually sneak bottles of water in so we don't have to pay for the costly drinks!!!! Though I was surprised. It had been a while since we had been there...for some reason I was thinking that General admission was $6, it was really $10! Probably a little more than I would like to pay for a night out...but we were there....go for it! I am glad that I did. They talked about wanting to go back.

Today...when we got home from ww, Isaac got to the door first....and there were some Redhawks tickets! He was so excited!!!! Then we were all excited. We don't know who you are that brought them, but I/we really appreciate it! I don't think it is just me that want to fill our days and evenings with busy-ness....I think they do also.

Tonight, I took Isaac, Rachel and Hannah (Matthew was working) and as we got in the car I said..."Guys, we are just going to have fun tonight!" And we did! We went to the Red Robin to eat. Partially for me, but also for them. That was where John and I enjoyed going. It was hard...but I knew that it was a healing time for me. They loved it!

Then we went to the mall. Walked around, dreamed, laughed, even played! We just enjoyed one anothers' company. What a blessing.

The hard part, and I noticed Isaac seeing it at one point....were the signs that mentioned Father's day. I saw him look directly at one at least once. And he quickly averted his eyes. My heart went out to him. I could see the pain, I felt the pain. I did. I have been feeling it. I know we need to celebrate Jay as a Father. I mentioned to Dawn about leaving town. I know we did that for John's birthday on May 7 and it just seemed to make it so much easier. So I told her that maybe we could all go to Tulsa and spend the evening. The next day the guys could play golf, the girls swim at the hotel. I know she has been so busy to even think about that. So, I think I am just going to make plans to do it myself with the kids. I think it would be best. It was hard enough on all of us on Mother's day. I don't think I can bear that again. It is just too soon. Call me a chicken, call me faithless....I call it surviving.

What we have decided on the explorer is that I am going to fill it up and keep track of the mileage and see exactly what it is making in mpg. That was David's idea. I know God placed David where he has...so I can rely on him for decisions that I can't make alone and that John would usually make. So, I pray. I pray for David and I pray for me...that together we will do what is best for our family. When he mentioned that it was as if a load was lifted. I guess it had become such a burden trying to decide what to do that it was a relief to just do it this way and really see what the mpg is...and then make a decision.

We still need to get rid of the lil' ol' Saturn and get Matthew a car. I think it is on its last leg and I want to get rid of it before we are without a car for him. I can't imagine what that would be like. I know it would very well drive me crazy!

My prayer requests are:
Pray for my plans for Father's Day to go well and easy. That things will work out.

Pray for the Father..to be a Father to my children...filling that void that is there....filling their need for a Father....Holding them as their daddy did. Pray for each of them.

Pray for the car situation to just fall into place. It can happen you know. I believe in miracles..I have seen them. So, pray that David, Jeff and I have wisdom from God to do whatever it is that he sees fit.

Our home has is slowly becoming the loving, Christlike home that I have been praying for. Continue to pray that the kids will be blessed by God's Salvation. That Christ would so fill our home that guests will feel His spirit when they enter.

One more prayer...my psychiatrist said that I need to spend more time with MY friends instead of constantly worrying about the kids being happy, meeting their needs, being away from them etc. He said I am almost to burn out or break down. But it is hard to be away from them. I haven't shared this with only my sister..today..but whenever I hear a siren I immediately get my phone and call each of the kids that are gone to be sure they are alright. It just seems I can't relax unless we are together, or I know that they are all happy and safe.

So pray that that will come to me. Peace. And that I will determine to be with my friends again. That I will make and find the time to be with my friends again. It is just so hard to leave my kids. I want to be with them...to guide their every move, every action...everything about them....I need to be there for them.

Thanks again for the gifts, the blessings, the prayers, and each and every thought. I appreciate them more than I can even say.

In Christ's Love,
Saundra

June 1, 2010

2010-06-01T08:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was another one of those hard days. I text my sister, Chris, in Illinois and told her I felt like I was drowning in grief. Overflowing. I just didn't know if I could even make it through the day.

Marilyn and Jay had taken a shepherds hook and a hanging basket out to John's place on Saturday. The hanging basket, which was beautiful, turned out to be too heavy for the hook. So yesterday, (Monday) Marilyn and I decided to go out and look for some silk flowers arrangements, already in a basket to hang there. We went to one store first...no luck...we ended up at Hobby Lobby.

Still we found no pre-made basket arrangements. So we decided to (actually Marilyn would do it...she is good at it) make our own. As we were picking out flowers, the "tear" that I had felt since the morning finally burst. I just leaned on the cart, bowed my head and cried, "I can't believe I am doing this! I can't believe I am buying flowers to take to his place at the cemetery!" I sobbed and Marilyn sobbed right along beside me.

Can you believe it? Can you? John is gone......

Mark and Dawn had planned a family cookout at their house. I am trying to maintain a normalcy at my house so even though it was the last place I wanted to be (it wasn't the family...I love being with them...and they would understand my quietness, sadness) but there would be other people there that I felt wouldn't understand. Other than family, most people forget that the pain still lingers.....

So, I grabbed the kids and went over. I went into Jay and Marilyn's house first. Jay took the kids and went over to Dawns. But I couldn't bring myself without Marilyn. She knew my pain. I told her I just didn't feel like socializing. We both agreed that we felt like we were putting a damper on the cookout. But we went over. I hadn't eaten all day. And still was not hungry, but knew I had to.

It was so hard to be there...with everyone laughing....having fun...I tried. I really tried. I hope no one noticed how awful I felt. How I missed my love.

I actually ended up staying longer than I intended. I already felt like I was a damper...so I didn't want to seem anxious to leave. Finally I did.

When I got home...I just needed to be out. So I asked Isaac if he wanted to go on a bike ride. He didn't, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to go alone. Little does he know that sometimes I would love to go alone...so I could stop and just be alone....with God. But he/we went. Rode 10 miles. I do think a lot while I am riding. And I thought a lot last night. Trying to put things in perspective. I have nothing but christian music on my ipod, so I was allowing God to speak through the music also. (by the way....I want more christian music on my ipod...if you know how to do that I would appreciate some help.....I have heard that if I get back on the computer I will delete everything on there!!!).

When we got home my disposition had changed. God had come. He had comforted me. He had helped me.

I have just finished reading Cyndi Curry's book, "Keeping The Kids Afloat..." It has helped me quite a bit. There are some things that she showed me in her book that I am going to integrate into our lives. Sometimes while reading the book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Wow, it was so surreal sometimes.

I thought I would love summer being here....but I am not happy about it anymore. Most of the time...I can't wait for bedtime.

My prayer requests are:

For the children. Isaac is especially hurting right now. In church Sunday morning he thought that they were going to show pictures of people who had passed this year. He told me when we sat down, "Mommy, when they start that, I am going to leave." Of course I told him he could. But, then we just sat and cried. I held my arm around him and told him it was alright to cry. And we did, until church started. But I could tell he was on alert for the beginning of the service. He is a very lonely boy. He really has no friends. His friend was John. He didn't need anyone else. I believe he has turned that need for John's friendship onto Matthew. Matthew is trying so hard...but he has his friends, his work. Matthew went camping Sunday with friends. He wanted to go so much, but there were just too many going. I know it hurt him..he mentioned it to me. Cyndi, in her book, said that she hired someone to play with one of her sons. Someone that had the same interests. I am willing to do the same. He loves, LOVES golf. He wants to see the Redhawks play, the rangers play.....he loves playing baseball, basketball. He loves sports. IF you are out there, reading this and are interested...let me know. I have to tell you...he does not warm up to people easily. He never had to learn those skills...he was always with John. Pray for him. Cyndi had a great prayer....that "God would be a Father to the fatherless." Pray that for my sweet Isaac. Please.

Matthew is doing great. He has come a long way. He came and sat on my lap Sunday morning as I was having devotions. We talked a little, cried a little. He told me that he was worried for me and the kids. I told him that he need not worry about me, but that we needed to help the little ones. He agreed. And I know he is trying. But I am afraid of putting too much on him. He is not responsible. He can share in it, but I don't want him to think he is totally responsible. Cyndi advises against telling the oldest that they are the man of the house now. I don't want Matthew to feel that burden. Pray for him.

Hannah still hasn't a job. Pray for her. Her schedule is so busy with cross country and basketball camps. So I worry that whatever job she has will not allow her to attend these. But she really needs to. Especially since she is going to be a senior, plans to attend SNU, and needs every scholarship she can get. I found out yesterday that she plans to stay on campus. Unlike Matthew, which saved us a bunch of money. She is my social butterfly, so I guess I wasn't surprised. But I told her she needs to do all she can, and work hard to get those scholarships. Pray for her, a job, and for her to get the scholarships for college. It is never too early to ask!!!!

Rachel seems to be doing okay. But, I was made aware of some of her posts that she is posting on facebook. I don't get on there often so I didn't know. But the person that brought it to my attention said that she is trying to express her feelings. I am all for it. But, pray for her. She is so young. This is a big thing to process. She needs so much help...that only God can give.

Thanks again for all your prayers, thoughts and support. I really appreciate all of it.

In Jesus name,
Saundra

Sunday, May 30, 2010

2010-05-30T18:29:00.002-05:00

Wow! I thought this mornings service was awesome. God was so there, so real!!!! I felt Him there. I wonder if ya'll felt His presence like I did. Unbelievable. I also thought Pastor's message was equally good. I will certainly make me pray for God's will for my life in a totally different way. I will look at asking for His will in a different way. Ohhhh, God is Faithful.

I loved the prayer that the Pastor read at the end of the message. I thought I would love to pray that every day. I was taking notes but it was off the screen too fast so I didn't get the author. If any of you know where I can find that I would love to have it.

Matthew is camping tonight in the Wichitas with a group of his friends. He said that he really needed it. I am glad he gets to go. He may not admit it, but I think he is a little stressed. He told me this morning before church that he worries about me and the kids. Bless His Heart. He seems too young to carry this burden. I wish I could take it from him.

We have been so blessed. Someone has given us season passes to White Water. I couldn't believe it...nor could the kids. I told the kids...that it was all the Lord. That it wasn't just that the people thought of it and did it....I told them that God moved and led them to want to do it.

I told Matthew this morning that out of all of this I want them all to have a personal relationship with Christ. That they would see His hand of mercy, His loving care, His forgiveness of sins, His faithfulness. I want them to learn from all that we are going through.

My prayer requests are:

Pray for Matthew's safety and that he will have a relaxing time while he is away. We still haven't decided what to do about vehicles yet. Of course, I haven't had time to meet with David yet.....but prayer for guidance and direction. I don't want to take a step without the Lord's direction........I want to do His Will!!!!

Pray for each of the kids. That in everything they will see God's hand at work. That they will learn from this....

Pray for me...when I am on the mountain top I will praise God, I will sit at His feet and learn from Him. That I would grow in my knowledge and wisdom concerning the things of God. And, when I go through the valley, I will do the same...AND all ow God to carry me "as the shepherd does his sheep....close to His heart." But, pray too that I will be able to make it through the valley to the other side! Through the fire...to know His Will.

Pray for Jay and Marilyn. I know they are still hurting badly. Each in their own way...but still in so much pain. Pray for them.

This may sound silly, but pray that grass would grow in John's place. I still haven't asked the kids about going out there tomorrow, but I kind of don't want them to right now, with it looking so terrible. But, pray that if they do, all they will see is beauty...God's beauty. If they don't go, pray that the grass will grow by Father's Day. I really hope they will go there. I am not sure Isaac will be going anytime soon. This morning in church he thought they may put up the names and pictures of the loved ones that have passed away in the last year. He told me right before church that when they started that, he was going to leave the sanctuary. I started crying and told him that he could...it was fine. Then I sat and held him and we both cried. I told him it was okay to cry...even good. I knew it was coming by the way he had been acting. He is hurting so much. Pray for him please.

Pray for peace in our home. Pray for each of the kids to be blessed with God's salvation.

Thanks for all your prayers, support, help etc....I could not be the person I am today if I didn't have you to talk to.

In Christ,
Saundra

Friday, May 28, 2010

2010-05-28T21:25:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been 3 days since school let out. I have kept myself busy. The first day off I was so lost. I didn't know what to do with myself...or my kids. They seemed to have kept themselves busy for that day.

The next day seemed a little harder. Isaac and started riding. It was really hard for me...again. It's funny that sometimes its okay and then others...I would just rather not go.

One thing that was funny...but sad and hard for me was my first bike wreck. Yea, first one of the summer...I am sure not my last. I fell over and have quite the strawberry on my knee. Isaac laughed and laughed. Glad I could bring laughter to his day.

But that made me remember the times I fell or crashed and John was there. He would quickly jump from his bike to help me, make sure I was alright, then he too would have a good laugh.

The girls had been wanting me to get out and unpack their summer clothes. I decided to do that the same day I crashed. I have their summer clothes in tubs, in fact, all of our clothes are in tubs...not marked. As I was going through the tubs I opened one and shockingly there were John's t-shirts. He had so many!!!! All Bethany, softball, baseball, basketball...etc. I was shocked to see them. Forgot they were there. Hannah and Rachel, I could see, was watching my response. I was pretty good. Just took a deep breath and dug them out and put them in a bag to send to Goodwill. Glad that was over. NOPE! Surprise.....several tubs later I open one and it is his sweatshirts. Again..all Bethany...so many. I said aloud, "Oh Lord, why are you doing this to me?" I started digging them out and bagging them. Then, at the bottom of the tub were a pair of swimming trunks, probably 20+ years old, Hawaiian looking, bright orange. He would wear these to school for mismatch day, clown day...whatever, whenever he had to be crazy at school. As I held them and sobbed, Hannah started giggling, and said, "He was so goofy." Then Rachel started giggling, and then I started crying and laughing at the same time. Hard time, but I am glad that they could laugh and remember him that way.

I have been able to keep myself fairly busy. I have cleaned out the back garage room, my closet, and the garage. I am running out of cleaning things!!!! Now, I am re potting plants and working on the yard. Not much to do there! That I know to do that is!!!

The kids are another story. It is only a few days and they are starting to get bored. Kind of whining and crying. They love to swim and have asked and asked that I get white water passes. I explained to them that I just couldn't pay that much.....course they don't understand that. It does sadden me when Hannah heads out to swim at a friends house, merrily, and unknowingly, hurting Rachel and Isaac. They would love to go. I told them that we would go to Ripper. But they said that it is boring there cuz there is nothing to do.

It does worry me that I won't be able to keep them busy. It seemed like it was so easy when John was here. He would keep the boys playing and having fun and I would keep the girls playing. Now that it is up to me....well, I am not that good at it!

I am worried about Isaac. Today around 11 he said, "I really want to swim...it is so hot." I told him I was sorry. He got up from he couch and went to his room. When I went in a little later he was laying in his bed watching t.v. It hurt my feelings. Gramps even asked if he wanted to play golf....nope he didn't want to. I asked if he wanted to go look around at the golf store..nope he didn't want to. I went back in later and he was sound to sleep and slept until 5.

What was really sad was when I told Rachel that he was sleeping, she said, "Yea, I am going to also. It makes our days go faster." It really hurt me. But I am hoping that if I have their friends over and visa versa that that will help fill their days.

Marilyn said the grass still hasn't grown over John's place. I don't know what to do. Someone mentioned some kind of grass stuff you can put down. I can't find it. I thought about sodding it. But don't know how. We now have a concrete bench there. I can't wait to sit there and talk with him and just be quiet before the Lord. We also put a shepherds hook there and hung a flower on it. I wish, so wish, that grass would grow there! I am planning to ask the kids Sunday night if they want go to the cemetery on Monday to visit. I don't know if they will want to or not. I really hate for them to see his place like this.

I think I have decided to sell the explorer and get a car for me, then sell the Saturn and with the money from that and hopefully money left from the explorer (after I buy a car for me) buy a little inexpensive car for Matthew. Nothing expensive. Midsize for me, and a little one for Matthew. He is really getting the gas hog thing. The saturn is starting to give up the ghost. I am almost afraid to drive it and certainly don't want Matthew to drive it to work. So we are trying to share the Explorer. Which is hard...and with him going so far to work...it is terribly expensive. So I am going to talk with David and others and get their opinion.

So, my prayer requests for today would be for me to keep busy myself, and for the kids to find things to entertain themselves.

That David, the others and myself would have wisdom to do what is best with the car situation. That God would direct our thoughts and decisions.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Thanks for reading. I know that it is hard to take time with the kids home, so I really appreciate it.

Love,
Saundra

Wednesday, May 26 2010

2010-05-26T07:54:00.002-05:00

Who would have dreamed that I would wish that I had to go to work today? Yeah, not me either. I am scared of summer.

John and I were off all summer as well as the kids. So the kids could be off and doing their thing and John and I would do ours. Ride bikes, work on the house, or just sitting and enjoying one anothers company. I am terrified that I will find myself alone....with my thoughts....which will just be horrible.

I have given the summer to the Lord. I should not worry. But...I am a worrier. Pray that my time wiill be taken up with Friends and things that I can find to do.

I have been worrying about this for a while. But on the 25th of May, in my devotional book Jesus Calling, I read this...and reworded it as if it were coming from my own mouth.....
I will turn from my problem to your Presence and my load is immediately lighter. My circumstances do not change, but you carry the burden with me. My compulsion to fis everything gives way to a deep satisfying connection with you. Together, YOU and I can handle whatever this day brings our way.

You know...I know a lot of you may feel this way...you can read it, and re-read it...can believe it....but have a hard time living it. That is where I am right now in my thoughts of summer. I know I am probably worrying for nothing. But, I have to keep returning my focus on His Presence. I have learned that when I take my focus from His Presence...things, or rather I, start to fall apart.

I am going to try and sit down and make out a responsibility list for my kids. Pray that the Lord would help me and guide my thoughts. Pray that the kids are accepting of it. I just cannot do it all.

Pray for us.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, May 23 2010

2010-05-23T14:46:00.002-05:00

I hesitate to write what I am about to because I think there will be people who doubt what I have said all this time. That there will be people who doubt Our Living God because of my failure. But, I talked with a friend today and she said to me that my kids will have UPS and they will be doing great and all of a sudden they will be DOWN. This made me realize that I, too, will have those feelings. It is normal. I don't have to hide my sadness...my down days.......

And I am having one of those today. It started yesterday when I was looking at Hannah's yearbook and saw the wonderful tribute the Mr George gave to John. It made so many memories come to my mind. So, on my way to get groceries, I thought I would stop by the cemetery and spend some time and also look at the new grass that we had planted one week ago.

When I drove up I immediately started crying. Just not believing why I was there....for my Husband. For John. When I got closer to his place I realized that no grass had grown. The ground was still just dirt and hard dirt. There was no way that they grass could grow. I began to cry and just laid my head on the dirt. I said the Lord's Prayer...and the 23rd Psalm. I sat a little longer then got in my car. I had decided that I was going to walmart and buy some garden hoses (enough to get from the water faucet to His place. I would also buy some dirt and some grass seed.

When I got in the car I called Marilyn just to let her know that no grass had grown. She said to wait there and she would be there. When they arrived Jay took a rake and raked up the very hard dirt. Then we carried a couple of buckets of water and got the dirt wet, planted some seed, wet it again, then covered it. I am hoping to see grass next week.

That just set the tone for my day. Not to mention that I was so very lonely. Hannah gone, Rach with a friend, Matthew gone, Isaac doing his thing. I was so lonely.

This morning I woke with him on my mind. Wishing he were beside me. Took a shower and woke the kids. Matthew was running behind so Isaac and Rach and I walked to church. Another very lonely time for me. If you ever passed 42nd and College on Sunday Morning...you would see us walking....John and I holding hands with Rach and Isaac in the front. I reached over and took Rach's hand...I needed to hold something.

All the kids had walked home by the time I was out of Sunday School, so I started walking. It was more than I could bear, as I started crying walking through the campus. It was so lonely. I missed him so much. Those were such special times to me.

One thing that is a concern of mine is that I feel taken advantage of by my kids. Literally, and not to whine or cry about it, but I do literally everything in this house. Laundry, sweep, mop, dust, meals, taken garbage out. If John saw me doing something he would help or do it for me. I can't get the kids to help. They are all too busy or say "just a minute" and it doesn't get down. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I today...for the first time...since John has passed away...I want to go away. Just to get away from the pressure of raising the kids alone. I want to get away from the burden of the household responsibilities. Is that wrong? Somebody tell me???

I haven't lost my faith in God. I am just tired. I know he is here. He is here as I type this. But I am tired.

I shouldn't be crying about it. I know there are people much worse than I am in this situation. Forgive me. But I had to sound off. Remember...this is my sounding board. My prayer request message board.

So, this is all a prayer request....this is my most urgent need today.

Saundra

Saturday, May 22, 2010

2010-05-22T08:34:00.002-05:00

I just had to share this with you.

God has been so good to me.....so good. Everyday I am drawn closer to Him. Everyday I learn more and more of His faithfulness.

I want to preface this with the fact that I used to have panic attacks often. Very often. With John's help and support, with the Lord's grace and mercy, and with God guiding doctors, I am now on medication that helps me with depression and panic attacks. But sometimes, when I am very tired, stressed, depressed, struggling etc...those panic attacks...or now I see them as attacks of the enemy...seem to creep up.

Thursday evening was one of those times. I felt one coming on....and I tried to ignore it. Took my meds to help me sleep and went to bed. When I awoke, 30 min before it was time to get up for devotions, I woke with a semi-full blown attack. I jumped out of bed and came to my quiet place. I immediately prayed the Lords Prayer and used Me in place of all pronouns. Then I read Psalm 23 and quoted Psalm 91. All the time praying for His presence to be real to me. By the time I finished these prayers, and God's words, I was at peace. I felt God's presence...with a doubt. He was here. He was here.

I read this in Jesus Calling that very morning...God had more for me!!! It said...I, the Creator of the Universe, am with you and for you. ....your part is to trust me, refusing to worry about anything.....Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life.....switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I AM THE LORD!!!!

WOW!! That was exactly what I was doing before He made His presence so real, and His word so real to me that morning. I was focusing on my panic attack and not on Him. The moment I put my focus on He and His word and Power, and Glory....I was free. I could sense and feel His presence.

Boy, isn't he good? Oh, that everyone knew my God! He is awesome. I had a good day yesterday. Not one time did my mind go back to the night before or the morning. I stayed focused on the present and on MY GOD. I can honestly say...I had joy.

But then, last night....I went with Rach and a friend and rented 2 movies for us. When I got home they went to their room to watch their movie and Isaac decided he didn't want to watch the movie I had. It wasn't a girlie movie either!!! He just didn't feel like it.

I came out to watch it and felt very lonely. There was no fun in it. So I called Hannah and found that she and Tara were out just walking around campus. So I asked Hannah if they would come and watch it...neither having seen it before.

After her I called I thought to myself, "How sad that I had to call my child to come and watch a movie with me!" I began to feel like a loser, like a failure. Then, I thought...you know...its okay. She didn't mind...I didn't force her...and I am not a failure. Just this morning, God showed me that I am His. And if I am His...I am love, cared for, and special. It's okay. God will send a special friend that can watch movies with me...can be here for those times. Patience, dear....that is all I hear.

I just wanted to share that with you. How faithful he is...and good.

Pray for Hannah to get a job. She may have a part-time babysitting job...but not quite enough hours or pay. We need something a little more. I do have one job I am looking at. I am waiting to hear. Just pray that something will come along for her.

Be with Isaac. He went to bed with a high fever Thursday night. Seemed fine last night. Just help him to get his strength back. Give him wisdom for his tests this Mon and Tues.

Thanks for sharing my joys, sadness, happiness and good news, and prayers and praises with me. I appreciate your time.

Love,
Saundra

Tuesday, May 17 2010

2010-05-18T20:30:00.003-05:00

Today was long. As I look back over it,the only explanation is that I had so much on my mind. Isaac's grades, Isaac's allergies bothering him, Hannah and job, Matthew and job, Rachel's infected eye, doctor appointments, prescription pick ups....and then work. It just seems like it was endless things on my mind. At one point I told Jay that my mind was just boggled. We were trying to make plans for Thursday evening...and quite honestly...I couldn't even get there!

I have been reading alot about how God wants us to just live by the moment. He has our days planned before we even wake up. So, there is no reason for us to even plan....unless we went out of His Plan for us. It just seem like today was overwhelming.

Isaac and I have been on 3 bike rides now. We love it. But it has been a comedy of errors for us. The first time, Matthew was gone, so we didn't have a bike rack, so we decided to ride to Olverholser. We went down 39th Exp and got just past counsel and Isaac yelled "Mommy!" I looked back and he had slowed. I rode back and he had a flat. We called for help and got a ride home. At that point I didn't know how to change a tire. I have since learned.

Then this past Sunday, we decided to ride at Lake Hefner. We we on the opposite side of the lake when Marilyn text me and said a storm was coming. OH, that's what those black ominous clouds are! So, we hurried back as fast as we could, put the rack on, put the bikes on, drove home as fast as I could, and just as we turned down our street the wind started whirling.

We drove in the drive, took off the bikes, brought them in the house (of course!!!) and then hopped back in and drove to grams and gramps. That was where Hannah and Rachel were. Isaac walked into their house and said, "We are never going to get to ride!"

But after school we headed out to Hefner again. We didn't go all the way around, but went from the west side to the restaurants and then back...it was 10.3 miles. It was fun. But, that may be why I am feeling so melancholy tonight. All the other times we have ridden I thought of John, but tonight was different. I just really missed him with me. I missed him riding away and coming back to me. Riding with me and talking, then riding away and back to me again. I missed resting and talking with him. I missed watching him ride. I missed loading and unloading....I really missed our ride home. We would load the bikes then drive all the way around the lake, slowly, just talking.

So, by the time I got back to the car I was ready to come home. I was sad. So, dinner was especially hard. Since I had planned to make fruit with sour cream and marshmallow cream dip, I came home and started making it....and then again...realized that John loved to have that after a ride. Sometimes he would eat only that...nothing else. He said it was just too hot to eat anything else.

Went over to Jay and Marilyn's later. Shared with Marilyn how I was feeling. Of course she understood. But, I admitted that while I was riding and thinking of John, I thought, "if it wasn't for Isaac wanting to ride so much, I think I would give it up for the fact that I don't enjoy it as much as I used to." It just isn't the same.

You all would be proud of me though. Marilyn, Jay and I went to the cemetery Saturday night. As you know we went there on John's birthday. I was having a hard time dealing with the mound of just "Dirt". I don't want my kids to go out there and see it like that. It looked awful. So, since the ground was wet from the previous days rain, we raked up the dirt and planted quite a bit of grass seed.

What was so surprising, was that it felt "alright" to do it. I was okay. I did decide that one of the things I want to do for the kids...and me...is get a little concrete bench of some sort to sit next to his site. I know, I already want to go out there and sit...I just want to sit and think and pray. I want to be there. I noticed that some of the sites have those and I am planning to get one once the grass comes in, and the stone is put down. I want to make it look nice for the kids. I am hoping that they will want to go there either on Memorial Day or Father's Day. Pray for the grass to grow quickly.

Had the neatest thing happen. Came home from work on Monday and was so exhausted. So I sat in my recliner and crashed...literally for about 1 1/2 hours. Later, Rachel had a game so we were leaving. I walked out the door, got in the car and turned it on. When I looked up to see Rach coming out the door, I realized that there were flowers planted and the baskets that I had bought 2 weeks ago were now hanging! While I slept, some Angels came by and planted the flowers in my front beds and hung the baskets!

I found out later that the Angels work at BES. I was so surprised...and happy. I just hadn't had time to do that and wanted it done. The flowers that I had bought were dying just sitting in their containers. I am so blessed.

My prayer requests would be:

Matthew has a job at Lincoln Golf Course, but he needs another...

Hannah needs a job...desperately. Hannah is also going to Branson, MS with the school chior. Pray for traveling mercies.

Isaac needs help passing his Semester tests. Pray for wisdom.

Rachel needs help in passing her Semester tests. Pray for her to also have wisdom.

Pray for our family to bond together in love. Pray that we have patience and understanding with one another.

Pray for my children to find the Salvation of Our Lord.

Love,
Saundra

May 15, Saturday a.m.

2010-05-15T07:21:00.002-05:00

After I finished my devotions this morning I was thinking over my week and thought only of how it was definitely a week of learning for me. Learning from the Lord, learning from my experiences. Being taught.

As Pastor challenged us to do, I have been saying the Lord's Prayer 3x daily. It is amazing, how you really can be in constant communion with our Lord. When I set my mind to remembering to say the Prayer, I found myself thinking of it, and its implication, and Him almost every minute! It definitely drew me closer to Him.

I found myself wanting to find out how I could become closer to Him even yet, how I can become more perfect in Him, more pleasing to Him. So, I began searching. I found myself going to the Jewish rituals, customs and traditions. They are God's chosen people. Why? What and how did they live that God chose them.

Now, some of you may be laughing...because you know the answers...you understand all that. But, for me...this is all new. I have never really studied the Bible. I have read it, time and again...but studying it is a different thing. My sister and I believed that if we could learn more about these people, that we could incorporate some of their rituals, traditions, and customs into our more modern lifestyles...to become more like Christ wants us to be.

We (she) found a website that I am loving. It is called Hebrew4christians. It helps us understand why they did what they did. But the most amazing thing to me, was that they took the Lord's Prayer...as Pastor is doing....line for line...and explains it to you. I am finding some rich lessons in this Prayer. I am so anxious to get back to church to hear more of what the Pastor says. To put together what he says with what this website says and learn more.....to understand more.

The Hebrews use scripture daily and for everything they do. Now, why not me? Why can I not do that? They have a custom of putting a scripture above their doorways. I thought how much I love the scripture. I trust God's word. I want it to surround and be in my house. So, I am going to do that. They have a little tube-like thing that they use. But I am just going to type up a scripture for each of the doorways of my home, a promise if you will, for each person that enters that doorway. I am going to search the scriptures for one that applies to each of my children, letting the Lord lead me to the one that He knows should be prayed for them. As I enter that door, I will repeat that prayer. I am going to show it to my kids, and ask them to do the same.

To them, to you, this may sound strange. But this is what God wants of me. To surround my home with Him, and with His word.

Another thing I am going to do...in each bathroom, on the mirror, I am going to post the Lord's Prayer....and even after we leave this sermon series, I am going to ask my children to read it every morning and I will continue saying it 3x a day. As they begin to grow, and understand, I am going to request the same of them.

Did you know that the Jews have a prayer for pretty much everything they do in a day? How awesome is that? But, the most amazing thing. They do make sure they pray at least 3x a day. Do you know what their first prayer of the morning is: yep....The Lord's Prayer.

It is becoming more and more interesting to me. I only wonder why we as Christians, have taken some of what they did and do, out of our religion, our beliefs? It can do no harm. God is continually a part of their lives, through prayer, traditions, customs.

Don't get me wrong...I know their beliefs. All I am saying is.....how can it hurt to take some of their customs, rituals and traditions and apply them to our lives. How can that hurt when all it does is put God in the Center of our lives daily.

I am becoming richer in Christ. Fuller in Christ. I believe he will use this to make me more of what he wants me to be. A better mother, a better friend. I have asked him to break me, mold me, fill me and use me. As I become more of what He wants me to be, it opens the door wide open for Him to use me.

I am excited. I have a brighter future because of all He is teaching me.

My devotions this week have applied to my life so much. For instance, a song that came to me while having devotions one morning...and I ended up singing it most of the day (along with the Prayer) was "In Christ Alone":

In Christ alone, I place my trust and find my glory in the Power of the Cross. In every victory, let it be said of me...my Source of Strength, my Source of Hope is CHRIS ALONE!!!!

As I wrote these words in my journal, I thought, "Wow! How true that is of my life recently!" My trust lies wholly on Him. And every victory I have had, every one today, everyone in the future, was, is and will be Christ alone!!! I have NO power, but Christs. I have NO hope...but in Christ.

My kids are doing great. Matthew is really becoming the man I believe God wants Him to be. John would be so proud of Him. He is trying to make right choices, trying to be an example to his siblings. I also believe, he is trying to find the Lord. Trying to make heads and tails of this life he finds himself in. Searching for answers. Pray for him.

Hannah, bless her. I think she is one confused little girl. She has finally come to the place where I think she is trying to find herself. We have had our share of talks. But I know she is confused. Pray that the Lord will give her wisdom. That she will find Him. That she will open her heart to Him.

Isaac is doing better. He is just such a strong willed child. God is helping me deal better with him. I am learning to walk away. He still thinks I am always out to get him, and that I am always unfair. He is never wrong...I am never right. It is that age...I know. But I am praying that the Lord would just give him a desire to be obedient. I think when he begins to be obedient to me...then all else will begin to fall into place.

Rach is doing well. I thought she would be the one that would share her feelings with me. But I am finding she shares more on facebook and with her friends than me!!! That is okay. However she needs to get it out is okay by me. I just pray that God will draw up close to her and comfort her. Give her peace and understanding. She is the one that stands out to me of the one that God has a mighty plan for. I don't know why. Oh, I know he has a plan for all of them. But for reasons unknown, I just feel like she is going to great things!!!

Pray that God will Bless my children. I read somewhere that we need to continually ask God to bless them daily. We don't even need to be specific. God knows what they need....and he will Bless them with that need.

I know this has been long. Thank you for sitting through it and reading it. But I told you it has been a week of learning for me. And I just wanted to share it. God is good. He is faithful.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there..sharing my fears, pains, joys etc...thanks for not forgetting me/us.

Love,
Saundra

May 11, 2010

2010-05-11T21:19:00.002-05:00

This week has been good. Really good. God's presence has been so real to me.

I have been doing just what Pastor requested we do (say the Lord's Prayer 3x a day). I can't believe the change it is having in my life.

The first day, Monday, it was funny but I had to read the Lord's Prayer for my devotions!!! Then I prayed it as Pastor asked us to do. Throughout the day it was so close to my mind. I even found myself singing it while I was on cafeteria duty!!!

When I pray it, it is as though the spirit comes right along beside me. It is an incredible feeling.

I have been studying the Jewish traditions, rituals, etc...just to find out a little more about them. Why they did the things they did, why they had the customs they had. One of the customs/rituals they had was to say a prayer 3x a day. Some Jews pray more than this. But they MADE a point to pray. Before the sun came up, at noon, and before the sun went down. Not only that....but their first prayer of the morning? You guessed it...The Lord's prayer. I just found it ironic as I learned this I am learning the meaning of the Lord's prayer. I am really enjoying it.

You ought to try it.

Matthew is looking through God's eyes lately. He has never treated his siblings as he has this week. Taking them to Sonic, taking them here and there. They are together a lot.

He took Isaac to the golf course on Monday to try out some new golf grips. Took them all to sonic that evening. Hugs me almost every time he walks in the house...in the room! My prayer has been, that he would begin to see us/them in/through God's eyes. God is answering prayer.

Isaac is still stubborn. But, thank the Lord that he isn't as stubborn as he normally is. He seems to be more understanding. He is more loving and thankful for things.

Hannah, she is still in that stage of "It's all about me". Tonight Isaac and I went for a bike ride and Isaac got a flat. I called her to come and get us...because I had yet to learn to change the tires. She was at the gym running, and said she had to "cool down yet". I told her that her mom and brother were stranded and needed help. She whined and whined about it. I hung up, called gramps and he came to our rescue, though he was quite a ways away. It was all about her. We had a talk when she got home. I apologized for my frustration and she apologized for thinking of herself.

We went to the bike shop and had them change the tire, and show us how. Now we know!

Rach is doing great as usual. She lately though has had a hard time dealing with John's death. She seems to bring him up quite a bit. But it is okay. She is dealing with it in her own way.

Well, I just wanted to fill you in on what is going on. God is so good, so faithful.

Love to you all,
Saundra

Sunday, May 9, 2010

2010-05-09T16:58:00.002-05:00

Thank you for the beautiful prayer. Actually read it the day you wrote it, but wasn't able to get on a respond. It was so moving.

And, Teresa, Thank you for the song. I have heard that song many times, but didn't know all the words. How true they are...and to know that someone is feeling the same thing is incredible. It was so unbelievable when I read it.

Well, today was actually harder than his birthday. I'll begin on Friday.

It ended up being only Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and Matthew and me. When it came down to it, Rach said she just couldn't do it. I told her it was fine! They came and picked us up. I tried to not cry, but tears were pouring even as I walked to the car.

We arrived and all walked over to his place. I sat down and just put my hand on the dirt. And that is when the tidal wave hit. It had been a long time since I cried so hard. Dawn knelt beside me, with her hand on my shoulder, we cried together. It felt so good having her there beside me. Matthew also knelt and held his arm around me. When I looked up into his face, I saw tears running down his face. I think he was trying to hold them back, because when I looked at him, he tried to quickly wipe them off.

I sat for a long time beside John. Whispering how much I missed him, how I love him and told him Happy Birthday. I know he isn't there. I know there is just an empty shell of his body. I know he is with our Heavenly Father. But, for me the grave site is a point of reference.

I told Sallye that I had to go out there. That if I didn't I would feel guilty for the rest of my life that I didn't go. I wanted to go, but my faith was lacking. When I thought about it, and prayed about it...I had to believe that as my Father has carried me this far, he was not putting me down at this difficult time.

It was good for me to go. First I got a cry out that was probably festering to come out. It was a good, hard cry. Then, I made it. I went. There will never be another first for me there. AND, I have to go and prepare it for the kids now. We all came to the same conclusion that for them to see it as it is.....all dirt....it just seemed so unkind, so trashy. The grass has not grown back, and as hard as the dirt it I don't think it will in a long time. So I am going to go out and put some top soil on it, kind of rake it and seed it. Hopefully, by Father's Day the grass will be grown, the stone will be there, and the kids will want to go visit.

I count it a blessing that when we got home it wasn't long until we left for Ardmore for Hannah's Track Meet. It was kind of hard driving down there. Matthew drove, I slept a little bit...more because I didn't want my mind to wonder, than I was tired.

Jay and Marilyn, and Grandma Ginny arrived a little after we did. Hannah ran a great race, as I am sure everyone has heard by now. She took 3rd for State! Awesome run. She also broke the schools record. It was a great day.

We went to eat with the team afterwards, Jay, Marilyn and Grandma Ginny left and we went to our hotel.

The next morning, we drove down to Winstar Golf course and Matthew and Isaac played Golf. The girls and I actually went on into Gainesville and left the boys there. As I was leaving them, I had tears in my eyes, as I saw them driving off in the cart. All I could think about was that John should be with them. How sad it must be for them as well. I am sure, if not Isaac, then Matthew was thinking the same thing. I know it. He misses playing golf with John, not to mention Isaac. They did it on his birthday if it was possible. But he wouldn't be with them. They just looked so lonely out there by themselves.

We arrived back to get them around 4 and headed home. One thing John tried to do whenever we passed Paul's Valley was to stop at this place called Ballard's for a peanut butter shake. He loved them. The kids remembered and wanted to stop. OH! How I missed him then!

This morning I woke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to face the day with out John. But I got up and had my devotions. I went in and woke Matthew, then Isaac, then the girls. No one moved. I went back through. Then, I remembered how that was always John's job on Mother's Day. While I was in the shower he would get them all up, and they would be waiting for me in the living room, gifts in hand, for me when I got out. We would celebrate mother's day.

I cried as I told them to get up. Then Matthew came to me and told me that they hadn't got me a gift because they didn't have any money, but they would do something. I almost passed out. I really believed he would take after his dad. But, I understood the money situation. And just hugged him back and told him that it was okay..I would have a hard time celebrating anyway.

It was nice to have them all sit in church with me. Hannah usually goes to second service with her friends. I loved having them all there.

Then I asked, after the service, if anyone wanted to go to Sunday School class with me for mother's day. Matthew and Rachel both said they would. Dave did a great job speaking about mother's, and the prayer of a mother. Great.

When we got home, all but Hannah disappeared. A little later they came back and had bought me a day lily and a card. It was so sweet of them. But it hurt at the same time that John wasn't there. Bitter-sweet is what I would call it.

I dreaded going to Marilyn's. I knew as much as I was hurting today, she was hurting the same if not worse. Her son. Her flesh and blood. The day he would be celebrating her....and he was gone.

When I walked in, all my kids told her happy mothers day, then I went and hugged her. We just held each other and cried a little bit. Gathered ourselves and went about dinner. Gifts came after dinner...and I don't think she could read all her cards...for fear of losing control of her emotions, which was the same for me. I just could not read all of the card.

When I hugged her good-bye we held each other and cried some more. She whispered in my ear, "It's been a hard week hasn't it? But, it's another one of those "firsts" that they talk about. It's done!"

I can't imagine it being any easier next year. But they say every year is easier. But, my stomach and heart have ached all day...and continue to tonight.

Normally, I couldn't stand the thought of Monday coming. But its okay. I can't wait until tomorrow. Just to get my mind busy again.

Yes, it was a hard week, a harder weekend. But my Father in Heaven carried me all the way. I know he did, I know he is, and I know he always will. He is faithful.

Thanks for all your prayers, you were vital to my making it through the weekend.

Love you all so much,
Saundra

Friday May 7, 2010

2010-05-07T07:10:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Darling. I love you.

This is where...when my kids are hurting, wishing their daddy Happy Birthday, that I start asking questions again. I start questioning God. I start asking about that scripture that says, "Ask anything ........" .

Thursday, May 6, 2010

2010-05-06T21:09:00.002-05:00

Where do I begin? How do I begin? My faith has not faltered? I believe God is with me. I believe He is sending His Comforter. I believe He is carrying me. I believe He is catching each tear. So why do I cry so much now? Why is my heart breaking.

These are the questions I am facing tonight. Just when I felt like I was doing great, I feel like I am falling again. Drowning in pain and anguish. I read in my devotion this morning... in 2 Corinthians 4:18...that "I will not fix my eyes on my circumstance, but on your presence. Because my circumstances are temporary, but your presence is eternal." I know that, but right now it is so hard.

I have been putting off thinking of what tomorrow is....John's birthday. I realize that because it has hit me so hard tonight. It has nearly crushed me. I want to do something for him. But I didn't know what to do. I thought I would not want to go to the cemetery because I cannot imagine him just laying in that mound of dirt. There is no stone there yet. It can't be pretty.

Tonight I went over to Jay and Marilyn's. Jay was checking the oil for me before we left for Ardmore tomorrow. Marilyn asked me if I wanted to do something for his birthday. I said that I did, but didn't know what. She then told me that she was going to the cemetery. I told her I didn't think I wanted to do that. Dawn said she would go with her. Jay said he didn't think he could.

When I got home, I was doing laundry and thinking about it. The more I thought, the more I cried, the more I missed him. I want to be with him. I want to be with him on his birthday. I started praying, asking for guidance. And I really want to see him. That is hard for some of you to understand. But, going there would be seeing him, being with him. That is as close as I can get to him. I knew then, that if I did not go out there tomorrow that I would regret it. I told Sallye that I would rather have the short lived pain of going out there, then living with the regret of missing this birthday with him.

I called Marilyn and told her I would go. Then I went to Matthew and Isaac (both in Matthew's room) and told them that grams, Aunt Dawn, and I were going out to the cemetery for daddy's birthday. If they wanted to go they could. If they didn't, that was okay too. Isaac immediately said he couldn't. Matthew said he wanted to. I then went to the girls and did the same. Hannah said she didn't want to. Rachel said she wanted to and wanted to take Hot Tamales out too. (Those of you who knew him well, know that Dr. Pepper and Hot Tamales were his favorite) and Rachel remembers too. I left telling them all that they needed to sleep on it, and really make the decision tomorrow. So that is what we will do.

Pray for us. This is another step. Another first. Another hurt...more pain....but it all goes along with the whole circumstance. I think if I can get a grasp of that fact, and the fact that "I not focus on the circumstance, but His presence in our circumstance" that I can do this and come out on top. I will, we will.

Pray, please pray. This is a step I am not looking forward too. For me, or the kids. I am not sure what will hurt more, my being there, or seeing the kids in so much hurt and pain.

Thanks for praying. I will let you know.

Saundra

Tuesday, May 3

2010-05-04T21:03:00.002-05:00

I am surprisingly doing pretty well. I have been subbing pretty much all day at school. That keeps my mind very well occupied.

I tried to get out and plant a few flowers in my back flower bed. But there is a few things that need to be done to the flower bed before I can do it. Man power things. That made me miss John. He was always right there to help. Then that made me start to really miss him and go into thinking about Friday. I just had to quote scripture to myself and I was able to work through that moment.

But tonight my heart aches. It aches so much that it physically hurts. I wont' go into great detail. I don't think it is necessary. But, Isaac was being disobedient towards me and very disrespectful. Matthew came out of his room and lost his temper with Isaac. I was afraid he would hurt him. As soon as I could get to them (they were physically fighting) Matthew started towards his room. I told him to come back and explained to him that that is not how we handle things in our home. I asked him if daddy would have handled it that way. He answered no. I asked him if daddy would have approved of that, he said no again. Then he went to his room.

I sat down with Isaac and tried to explain to him why Matthew reacted the way he did. Matthew has really stepped up. He sent me a text the other day that said, "You are doing a good job. I love you." That is all it said. Anyway, Isaac was very hurt, emotionally. Tears streaming he tried to make his wrong, right , with excuses. But, I did apologize for what Matthew did.

Then, I went to Matthew and told him again that that was unacceptable. I also told him that as of late, Isaac has really been looking up to him. He needed to set the example. He needed to control his anger. I also told him to mend it before they went to bed. I have always hated when any of us would go to bed upset...in any way.

It wasn't long until Matthew went to Isaac's room and they talked, then Matthew took Isaac to Sonic and now they are in Matthew's room together.

My heart breaks for Isaac though. For this birthday he got a new bb goal, and only once, with my prodding did Matthew go out and play with him. He is such a lonely little boy. When things like this happen my heart breaks for the loneliness he must feel at that moment. And I am sure he is missing John ever the more.

So, tonight......I have but one prayer request. I want you to urge the Lord to mend their relationship as brothers. Not only mend, but bind it. So the enemy does not try to separate them. Isaac needs Matthew. Pray for a love and bond to grow between them that has never been seen before. I believe God can do it. I believe He can. Please make this an important matter of prayer. I need to see a miracle in this.

Thanks for your prayers,
Saundra

May 2, 2010

2010-05-02T21:46:00.002-05:00

Well, tonight I feel pretty good. This weekend has been long and hard. But...here I am....God keeps his promises....I am okay.

Hannah had a track meet in Watonga Oklahoma yesterday (Saturday). She ran the 2 mile in 12:50. Pretty good. Got her second, and now she is going to state next weekend.

The hard part for that was my trip up there. Alone. All alone. It gave me time to think which was not a good thing. As I went through Kingfisher I was reminded of the last time John saw her run...it was there. I was reminded of the time I went to a golf tournament with him to watch Matthew play. How much fun we had driving in the cart together.

Thinking of all that, brought me to the fact that in 6 days will be his birthday. Wow, the kids and I always did his birthday up big. We had fun. He always made it fun. Even if we wanted to do something goofy with him..he went along....and made us laugh.

Then, that took me to Mother's Day..........enough said. Yea, I am not his mother. But, he made the day so special for me.

I saw Marsha Adams today as I was walking home from my in laws and I told her, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it would be Monday the 10th. Everything done and gone.

I guess I need to do something for his birthday. I want to. I want to celebrate him. But I don't know how.

I don't want to hurt the kids. I don't know what to do.

Matthew talked about him for the first time today. We were watching golf on t.v. and John's favorite player was on. Course I didn't know that. But Matthew said, "There is daddy's favorite golfer." It was just a statement. It was like he was seeing how it sounded, how I would react, how it made him feel. But, it was so sweet.

It is really awesome what God is doing in my life. At first I was assuming that when I gave everything to God, that I would be free of the pain and hurt and sadness. But, those are all results of a fallen world. I am not free of them, but God helps me through these times. They are growing times for me.

As I was on my way to the track meet, and crying in the car, I called my sister Chris. I told her how I was feeling. I just needed to hear a devotion, a scripture...something. She shared a devotion with me and then a great story that she heard.

It was a story about a lady that was in the ocean swimming. She got caught up in a riptide and started being pulled out farther from the shore. She fought it for a while, and then she was reminded that she was to just relax and be still, not fight it......and sure enough the riptide took her out to the calm waters, and she was able to swim around the riptide and into the shore.

Chris said that sometimes that is what happens to us. We have troubles, sadness, hurts and pains, and we feel like we are in a riptide....we fight it and fight it, trying to do it with our own strength. If we would just relax, and be still in God's arms He will bring us out to calm waters.

I feel like that is what I will have to do this week. In my mind, I keep telling myself I CANNOT make it this week. As it gets closer and closer to his birthday. But, I try to remind myself that I need to rest, relax and be still and let God bring me through the week. No matter what I face. Oh, it is going to be so hard. I am asking for an abundance of prayers.

I don't think the little ones..Hannah, Isaac and Rachel even realize it is coming....I think Matthew does....but hasn't said anything to me. Either way....there is going to be hurt for all of them. Pray for them also.

Pray for God's angels to be around us this week. To lift us up .... to carry us when we think are are falling and failing.

I love the Pastors message this morning. I have been praying that God just take my all and fill me up. When pastor spoke about being broken and spilled out...I wanted that. I want to be spilled out....I want to be used. I want God to use His opportunities for me to show someone His faithfulness, His worthiness, His goodness, His salvation. I am excited about what God is doing in my life.

Then in Sunday School. Wow, I felt convicted when Dave talked about what is stopping us from witnessing, what is keeping me from hurting for others. I knew it was my past that kept me from doing it. I have had to give it to God all over again. So, the enemy cannot hold it against me. I am forgiven. I am broken. I am spilled out...to be filled and used by My God, and Father.

Hannah goes to Ardmore for the State track meet this Friday and Saturday. I think all of us are going down to cheer her up. It means for the kids to miss Friday at school...this is when she will run in the 2 mile. Then we plan to stay overnight. I thought it would be fun for the kids to have some family time while going to the meet. AND...it will be John's birthday and I am hoping that being away, and focusing on Hannah and her meet will help me to at least get through Friday.

Pray for Hannah. Give her strength and speed. Pray for me. It will be so out of my realm to go on a trip without John. Pray for wisdom for me. To know what to do when checking in to the hotel, food, money...all that is involved in doing a trip. That was John's job. I just didn't have to worry. He took care of everything. He was so good to me. Pray for the kids to have a good time.

I want to ask you to pray for Marilyn too. She is hurting so much.......not having her son to celebrate with on Mother's Day. I would say I can't know the pain she is feeling....but I feel the pain...I know how she is hurting...and I don't want her to hurt as I am. Pray for her. Pray for peace. We share a lot together...our feelings, tears, sadness, thoughts. We know each others pain. Please pray for her.

Cherokee Forsberg, and Doug and DaVonna have been heavy, very heavy on my heart. You know, I know the pain of not knowing whether your love one will be with you the next day or not. Yes, it is their child, it was my husband. But, I still think the pain, whatever kind, hurts, saddens, and overwhelms them. I know they must be so weary......pray for them. Pray for Cherokee.

Pray, pray, pray. That is the only thing that will pull us all through.

If you are reading this...thank you.....you are faithful.

Saundra

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

2010-04-27T20:38:00.004-05:00

Well, I made it through the weekend. It was rather hard. Isaac had a baseball tournament and played so well. I was so proud of him, and I know John would have been also. I missed him by my side. I used to lean on him at games, or sit close (in our chairs) and share things about the game, etc....I didn't realize how much I loved that until I didn't have it.

Sunday was Isaacs birthday with the whole family. All birthdays are hard. When I went to get the card, do your realize most "son" cards say "To Our Son". I almost cried in the store. I didn't know if I should get one that said "our" or one that just said "son". I ended up getting one that just said "son". But when I signed it....I couldn't bring myself to sign just "mommy" ....I had to sign it mommy and daddy. That is the way it is suppose to be. I was so anxious to see Isaacs expression to know if that is what I should sign. Well, he read it and smiled and that was it! So, I don't think it bothered him as much as it bothered me!!!! I still missed John being there to watch him as he opened his gifts. He is so funny.

I also had an experience picking out Mother's Day cards. It was hard buying one for Marilyn. I hurt for her. How do you celebrate with YOUR son gone? I also thought about the two mother's who also lost their sons recently. Oh, God, be with them all.

Then I thought about myself. John always did the shopping then just added the kids names to it. Let them wrap or bag it...to make it their own to me. I really, honestly, don't want to celebrate without John.. I am a mother because of him. When we celebrated mother's day it was a celebration for both of us. Oh, Lord...carry me through this.

Then yesterday we had a golf tournament for the Emma Grace Williams Fund. Matthew and Isaac played in it. The girls and I worked it. It was fun. But, I knew how John was looking forward to it. I knew he wanted to be there. In fact, I couldn't believe it....as the guys were coming in at the end of the day....I actually found myself watching for him to pull up in the golf cart. When I realized what I was doing, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It was good to know, that when I shared this with Marilyn, that she too, was struggling with the day. Knowing that John should have been there. He had planned to be there. I was not alone. So, it was a hard day.

Today was a little difficult. I suppose it was more just left over sadness from the weekend and yesterday. I was sick to my stomach most of the day...just thinking about having to come home and fix dinner. I just didn't feel like it.

But when it came time, the kids were saying they were hungry, I think I look the enemy in the face, got up and fixed a prepared meal. But, it was fixing!!! Then, right after dinner...I thought...hey...one more thing...enemy....I am going to fix Matthew Lemon Squares. And I did! Though they were from a box, I feel like it was victory. I did not give in. I did not give up. I know the Lord carried me through the whole dinner making to the dessert eating. He did it!!!

The kids are doing great. Sometimes when I have one of them in the car with me, by ourselves, I might look over and see he/she looking out the window in deep thought. I always wonder, as they stare out the window, what their thoughts are. I find that that is always the time I think the most is in the car. I find myself shaking my head over a past hurt I may have caused John, and how I could have done that....or how I don't want to go on without him.....I have so many thoughts that come to me while I am driving. So, I wonder what they are thinking. Sometimes I will take their hand in mine and ask. They might just look at me and smile....or smile and say "nothing". But, I have a feeling that they are. Isaac especially goes into deep thought.

It is during these times that I really have to fight the enemy in my thoughts. I have to deliberately "think on those things which are TRUE, HONEST, AND PURE, AND WORTHY OF HIS NAME, FOR WHEN I THINK ON THESE THINGS....GOD'S PEACE WILL BE WITH ME. I really have to make an effort to do that. And He is always faithful.

Pray for both Matthew and Hannah to find the job that the Lord has for them this summer. I know there is one out there. Just lead them to it. Or speak to His servant that wants to do his will by hiring one of the kids.

Pray for all the kids to do well as the end of the school year draws to a close. Pray that they will have wisdom and understanding of the work and the tests that are put before them.

Pray that they listen closely to what the pastor has to say in his sermons these past few weeks, and the week to come. Help them to ponder what he says and to grow closer to him as they do it.

Pray for God to "command His Angels charge over each of us, to guard us in all our ways. That they will lift us up and protect us from stumbling". Pray His hedge of Angels around us.

Pray for God to give me wisdom in what it takes to run the household. Pray for wisdom in raising the children. Pray that he give me strength in all that has to be done.

Thank you...to all of you....for all you say, all you do and all your prayers...God Bless You !!!!

Love and Prayer,
Saundra

Saturday, April 24, 2010

2010-04-24T08:38:00.002-05:00

Thank you to all of you for your positive comments. I don't usually have time to sit down on Saturday morning and write on my blog. But this morning...for once..I have some quiet time. Ha!!! I should be doing laundry, cleaning house, bathrooms, etc....but I don't have that motivation. I actually felt led to get on here. More on that later.

Hannah is in Lindsay, OK at a track meet. I was originally going to go. But Isaac has his last baseball games today at a tournament in Piedmont. Hannah still has a few more track meets. So I asked her if she minded that I didn't go with her. She said she didn't mind. So later, I will be heading to Piedmont for his Baseball game. While keeping in contact with her to see how she is doing. I know she will do well. And, we all know Isaac will after what happened Thursday night. He told me that that was the most fun he has had playing with the school team this year. Pretty bad when it has come to the end of the season!!! He will play in the summer league though and he had fun in that last year.

I mentioned that I felt led to get on here this morning. It was after my devotions. I was feeling a little blue...Isaacs birthday is coming up tomorrow...actually Monday...but we will celebrate Sunday at dinner with the whole family. Then I was thinking about Mother's Day. Mine,yes, because last year...as John and I were mending our relationship he made it so special. I keep going back to that day. Then, for Marilyn, how she must be hurting so much, losing her son, having to celebrate without him. She must be in so much pain. So, last night, as I sat in the living room alone, I had these thoughts racing through my mind. I really had to put them in the Lord's hands as I laid my head down. And as always he was faithful. Almost overslept to get !!!

But as I read my devotions, in a very melancholy spirit, the Lord began to speak to me through the devotions, his word, etc. At the end of my devotional time I always read two devotional books. They both spoke to me in such a profound matter. My spirits were raised and I began to look at THIS day differently. Tomorrow is in God's hands. I don't have to worry, because he goes ahead and prepares the way for me.

So, when I was thinking of heading to Panera Bread, I sat in my chair and began to think of my blog. And I felt moved to get on here and share my devotions with you. I felt like maybe they needed to be put on here to help someone. So here they are:

This is from God Calling (I have paraphrased some of it so it wouldn't be so long....

Within you is the Life of Life. The Life that down the ages has kept my servants, in peril, in adversity, in sorrow.

Once you are born of the Spirit, that is your Life's breath. You must never doubt, never worry, but STEP BY STEP, the way to freedom must be trodden. See that you walk it with me.

This means no worry, no anxiety, but it does not mean NO EFFORT!.. When My Disciples told Me that they had toiled all night and taken nothing, I did not fill the boat with fishes WITHOUT EFFORT ON THEIR PART! NO!!! My command stood. "Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught."

Their lives were endangered, the ship nearly sank, the help of their fellows (I noticed that they had help from their friends...just as I have Jeff and Sallye, and many more that have come to help me at this time)had to be summoned, and there were broken nets to mend. Any one of these trouble might have made the feel My help was not there. And yet as they sat on the shore and mended those nets, they would see My Love and Care.

The man who reaches the mountain height by the help of train or ca has learned no climber's lesson. But remember this does not mean no Guide....this does mean that My Spirit is not supplying wisdom and strength. how often, when sometimes you don't know it, I go before you to prepare the way, to soften a heart here, to overrule there.

......As I read this...I began to think...you know...I think I thought that God would do it all. That I didn't have to work hard to come back from this tragedy. That all I had to do was pray, seek him, and all would fall into place. Well,this has shown me that it is going to take work. That it is going to be hard. But he goes ahead of me...always...and always prepares the way for me. Always has a plan. That He loves me and cares for and about me. But, I must work.....or no lessons will be learned.

Then there was this devotion from Jesus Calling:
This was a real teaching one....

Rest in the stillness of My Presence while I prepare you for this day. Wait on Me in confident trust. Be still and know that I am God. There is both passive and an active side to trusting Me. As you rest in My Presence, focusing on Me, I quietly build bonds of trust between us. When you respond to the circumstances of your life with affirmations of trust, you actively participate in this process.

I am always with you, so you have no reason to be afraid. Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning. Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with Me. Repent of this tendency and resist it, whenever you realize you are wondering down this well-worn path. Return to My Presence, which always awaits you in the present moment. I accept you back with no condemnation.

.........Wow....Again...There is a time to be passive in my trust of Him, but then there is the time to be active. I feel like at this time in my life I have to be both at the same time. But, never did I think that there were two ways to trust in Him.

The part about excessive planning spoke to me also. I am a planner. I want to know what I am going to do the next minute, hour, day, week, etc. But, I think the book was so true when it said that excessive planning can hinder my intimacy with Him. So, today, I did repent and promised my Lord that I would resist it. That He does go ahead of me, preparing my way. I don't have to be excessive in it, constantly dwelling on how my day will go, how it will end......its already done...I just have to be in constant communion with Him and it will all fall into place.

Well, I hope one of them spoke to you as they both spoke to me. Isn't He amazing??

Hope to see you, my friend, at church tomorrow. Can't wait to hear what God has to teach me and show me.

Love to you all,
Saundra

Thursday, April 22, 2010

2010-04-22T20:35:00.003-05:00

God is so faithful! And, I love sharing his faithfulness with you....my faithful readers. I have been sleeping in my own bed every night now. There are moments that I wish he were beside me...but God is so good to be there beside me.

To share another answer to prayer.....I was getting ready to take a shower Tuesday night, I let the water run for a minute before I got in and when I stuck my foot in....I thought it would freeze!!! I waited a little bit longer, knew no one else had taken a shower yet, turned it all the way to hot.....ta da!!! No hot water. I called Jay and he and Mark came over and looked at it. It was shot. History. But Mark volunteered to put it in, all I would have to do is buy one. Friends, I had hot water by the next afternoon! And he got a great deal on one...a bigger one!!!! I was so happy. I appreciate him doing that for me.

Something I am learning more and more....well it started in a devotion.....that I am not to let unexpected shake me up. The devotion said that "He is the same....." so when unexpected, unwanted things come into our lives that we are to rest in Him and know that he is still at work in our lives. That we are okay. So when the water heater went out, yeah, I kind of started letting it bother me, then I remembered....its okay...it isn't the end of the world. Focus on what God wants me to learn out of this. I believe there is a lesson in everything. Focus. I did. And it was alright. I was alright. I slept fine that night. Knowing it was in God's hands.

Then Wednesday night Rach had a softball game. And she made an awesome play! Caught a grounder to second backhanded, ran to second and threw it to first. Had there not already been 2 outs she would have made a double play. Now, mind you, this is the little girl that John and I used to get a chuckle from because she loved softball so much, but we just didn't think she had it in her!!! She so surprised everyone! I told her I knew that daddy saw that and his mouth was still hanging open from surprise! Awesome play!!!!

Tonight we went to Isaac's baseball tournament in Piedmont. We were down 4-2. We were struggling a bit and Isaac got up to bat, hit a grounder, hard to short stop....short stop bobbled it, and he made it to first. It seemed that that was the turning point for the game. One after another the guys were hitting great hits, or the pitcher was walking them. We were coming into home base one after another. We ended up winning 8-4!!!! I told him that he just made the team know they could do it!!!

I just want to mention a thank you to Western Lawns. They are doing a fabulous job on my lawn. It looks so good. More than I imagine. Thank you so much.

Also, I just found out that they have set up a trust fund for my kids as SNU. A scholarship fund. It is called the 'Griffis Children Educational Trust Fund.' I don't know too much about it, but if you are interested in donating you can mail a check to SNU at 6729 NW 39th Expwy, Bethany, OK 73008. Your donations will be divided equally among each of the kids' accounts, and can be used by the kids for any college's costs and not just SNU. If you have any questions call David Long. I consider that an answer to prayer. I couldn't imagine, or even dream of sending my kids there if they hadn't set that up. Thank you SNU and all who donate.

I want to also thank all of you who support me, who are wrapped around my life and my family. Who have taken me under your wings and helped me through this journey. It is because of you, and the help of our Lord, that I am where I am. I will survive because of the love and prayers that you give to me.

Thanks again...I love you all,
Saundra

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

2010-04-20T17:15:00.002-05:00

God is so Faithful!!! I took a giant step last night! I mean a big one for me!!! And it turned out to bigger than I expected!

I SLEPT IN MY OWN BED!!!!!! I started to feel like I was ready a little while ago. But I wanted to be sure. I only told Sallye and Jeff because I didn't want to be pushed or asked when or if I had yet. We began the process about over the weekend. I had a tone of laundry on the bed. I had started folding my laundry there and leaving it there. Even the kids knew to go there to get clean clothes and towels! So, we cleaned that off.

It may sound funny and ridiculous...but I asked Sallye and Jeff if I could have one of their old t.v.'s that they had offered me a while ago, to put in the room. I was afraid if I didn't have one that I might lay in there and think, since I am good at that. I didn't want to let my mind of time to wonder. They got me a t.v. and Jeff put it in my room.

So, last night, I got ready for bed thinking the whole time..."I can do this". Rachel had told me that she would sleep with me for a while so I thought at lease I wouldn't be alone. But, when it came down to it she said she didn't want to...."she wanted to sleep in her room". Well, I couldn't back out now, if I did I was afraid she would feel guilty and think she HAD to sleep with me. So, I grabbed Molly, our little Schnoodle, and told her she was gonna have to sleep with me!

We got into bed, I said a prayer. Kind of fought with Molly to stay in my room. She is used to sleeping with the girls since she came to live with us! But finally she curled up beside me and settled for the night. I turned the t.v. on to watch, set the timer for one hour, and settled. I thought, "I am in "our "bed. And I am okay! I felt a calm. A quietness, I felt His presence. I know God was there. I didn't have a deep sadness like I had expected. Oh, I was a little sad. I was alone! But, I wasn't alone. I told a friend at school that I know without a doubt God was there in that room with me. I sensed Him. I was too calm, too relaxed for Him not to be present.

I awoke a couple of times in the night. But I had remembered the devotion I had a while ago. It said all we have to do is whisper "Jesus" and He is right there. So, I would start to say, "Jesus, help me fall asleep again." But I told my friend, always, always, before I could get the sentence out I was alseep again. I only would get "Jesus" out. When I woke this morning....I realized He was there. He would hear me say "Jesus" and knew my need before I had to finish.

I was so excited. I felt sorry for the teachers at school. I would just tell them that I slept in my bed last night!! They were so happy for me. They knew what a step it was for me. One teacher said she could see how happy I was by my face!!!!! I did it! We did it! God did it.

A song came to my mind this morning as I was asking the Lord to give me more of Him. I know there is more. I want all of Him. I want His spirit to dwell in me. I want Him to be the potter...I am the clay. As I was praying, the song, "OH! To be like Him" came to my mind. I have been singing it all day. Isn't that what the Pastor has been telling us to strive for? Isn't that what Dave has told us we had to do to be all He wants us to be? I am so ready. I want it all.

OH TO BE LIKE HIM,
OH TO BE LIKE HIM,
BLESSED REDEEMER,
PURE AS THOUGHT ART,
COME IN THY SWEETNESS
COME IN THY GOODNESS,
STAMP THINE OWN IMAGE
DEEP ON MY HEART!!!!

What a song! What a cry! That is my cry, and my prayer. I want to be like Him. I want to be His witness.

Pray that God will pour His spirit on me. That I will be open to Him, holding nothing back.

Pray for Matthew and Hannah to both get some summer jobs. We really need this to happen.

Pray for Isaac. Give him an obedient heart. A desire to do the right thing.

Rachel is going through a difficult time. I think it is just her time to grieve for her daddy. Pray for God's spirit to be with her. Bring her a joy unspeakable!

I still haven't been able to eat at the table. And I am still having trouble fixing meals. They are usually pre-made meals. I just can't do it. I don't know why. But, I know in his time God will arrange that. So, pray that as he showed me the time to move in my bedroom, he will also show me the time to eat at the table and once again enjoy fixing meals again. I used to love that! Pray for the joy of that to come back.

Thanks for your prayers....We are seeing Him answer them!

Love,
Saundra

Saturday, April n17, 2010

2010-04-17T19:56:00.002-05:00

Hey Friends;

First I want to thank the person that has been bringing me special ME gifts every month. It was so good to come home to one Friday. It had been a long day...and as I pulled up in the car...I saw the bag. And immediately I was renewed in spirit and mind. Thank you whoever you are. Thank you for being obedient to God's calling.

I didn't have a good nights sleep last night. I am still not in my bed. Rachel had a friend stay overnight and so I slept on the couch. It wasn't good. I was awake most of the night and all I could do was go down memory lane. It was not good. When I woke this morning at 5:30, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart for John. So, I got my coffee, and went immediately to His word.

God was faithful. I just love reading his word. It is so full of truths and promises. I am reading the Bible in a year also, so it is interesting because scriptures that I have read all my life have a whole new meaning to me. It is exciting. But, God spoke to me through JESUS CALLING again. It said:

I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sigh and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.

Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of PEACE.

WOW!!! Steadiness. That is what I need. I need to have the faith to believe...no matter the circumstances, no mater what interrupts my day, life as it is. Steadiness. That is faith at work!!!!

So, I was determined to do something that I had put off for a while. For several reasons. One, I have been so busy that I couldn't get to it, secondly, I was afraid of what I would find. I have a hall closet that had not been cleaned since we moved in. At the very top (we have probably 8-9 foot ceilings) was a shelf that hadn't been reached very often. But I knew that there might be things to bring back memories I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with.

But, today was the day. I got up there and went to work. Yea, there were things. Like baby pics with John in them. His favorite childhood Snoopy book, and then a file that his mom must have given us a long time ago. I didn't remember it. Maybe she gave it to him. But it was all his grade cards (remember those) and all the newspaper clippings that she had cut from papers of he and his sporting events. Then, the hardest....our wedding picture, his baby pics, a 9 year old pic of him. And then there was the picture of him as a baby, that I had framed, as well as a picture of me as a baby that had hung in our baby's room when they were infants.

The pics of him...I kept out. I want to do something with them. I don't know what yet. I set our wedding picture out. It was hard. But you know...I kept whispering Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And I kept thinking of my devotion this morning. I was having a good day...don't let this unexpected finding, event interfere with God's work in me. And it didn't.

I even showed the pics of John as a baby to Matthew. I havent' showed him the clippings from the paper yet. I think I might do it when he and Isaac can look at them together.

My heart still hurts from that today. I miss him. But, God is helping, little by little, minute by minute.

I don't get on facebook hardly at all anymore, but my sister said that Rach has mentioned John several times in her postings. Pray for her. Obviously it has come her time to grieve. She hasn't said anything to me, but I am going to mention it to her and see what she says. She was the one that said that that song that John and her used to love, about daddys little girl and how the little girl grows up to be married and he sings about dancing with her on her wedding day. Rachel reminded me of that not too long after he passed. And she said, "I told daddy that I would dance with him on my wedding day." That is pretty much all she has said. So, it has come her time. Please pray for her.

Continue to pray for Hannah a new job. Today was her last day at Panera. She was a happy little girl. She said it just wasn't the same when her favorite manager, Dawn, left. She didn't like it anymore. But, she does realize that she needs a job. I am glad for that.

Pray for Matthew. He needs another job besides his job at the course. Pray that something will come up that he will be able to work into his schedule this summer.

Pray that I have wisdom to run the household. There are so many things I see that I want to do...but don't know how to go about it. Then days will go by and I will forget. Then a few days later I remember. Just give me wisdom Lord. Grant me knowledge.

My biggest and most important request is that my children know the Lord. I want them to have a personal relationship with Him. I want them to experience His goodness, His love, His mercy. I want them to know My Lord. Pray for each of them.

One other prayer request....We always went some place during the summer on vacation. We were talking of Wyoming before John passed. The kids haven't forgotten. I want to do it for them. Just pray that it works out. They want it to be a family vacation. I understand...and I can do that. But, again, its one of those things where John worked out the details. Yes, we are going to my parents in Illinois, but they want a FAMILY trip. So just pray for this...even if you think it is a weird prayer request.....it is important to me, to my children.

Praise the Lord with me. Emma is finished with her Chemo. We went out and celebrated with the family Friday night. It was so good to see her be herself for a change. She is so precious. What a blessing she is to our family. Praise the Lord!!!

Thank you for reading. I love you all.

Saundra

Thursday, April 15, 2010

2010-04-15T21:15:00.004-05:00

Friends, My faithful friends, thanks for ALL your comments. Whether negative or positive, understood or misunderstood, I thank you for all of them.

Todd, thank you for your comment. You know, I don't know who was positive or who was negative. God helped me move beyond any of those comments anyway. I am just glad that you are reading and praying. After all, that is why I am blogging. For prayer and support. Thank you for being there. BTW...do I know which Todd you are? I know two Todds.

And...please all of you. Never think I would be angry at anything you say on here. We all have our opinions. This blog helps me in so many ways I can't tell you. I could never be angry or upset at something someone says. You are free to your opinions....I encourage them. They make me think about this journey I am on.

Pat, you are so faithful. Thank you for your poem. I did print that and will put it somewhere. It is exactly as I feel each and every night. It's funny how people that have gone through the same thing....know exactly what I am feeling and when. I know God places you here with me.

Jeff......I have nothing to ask forgiveness for....if I read your comment right. I think I have every reason to believe that I can't do all that John did. I have every reason. I do feel inadequate at times. And put in my situation I believe most people would. I guess I didn't understand all that you said, because I don't see you saying what I think you were saying. Or if I did understand it right, I don't agree with you.

But, I do have to say that I agreed with some of what you said. God is strengthening me every day...I am growing.

As most of you know, Pastor David told us to seek God's face....to seek more of Him this week. I had already been doing that. I just feel that there is more to what I have. I have been asking Him to give me more of Him. More of what He wishes for me. And it seems that every morning my devotions help me to move to a higher ground.

My devotion this morning was soooo good in God Calling it said;

Obey My commands. They are steps in the ladder that leads to success. Above all, keep calm, unmoved.

God back into the silence to recover this calm when it is lost even for one minute. You accomplish more by this than by all the activities of a long day. At all cost keep calm, you can help nobody when you are agitated. I, your Lord, see not as man sees.

.....All work here is accomplished by My Spirit, and that can flow through the most humble and lowly. It simply needs an unblocked channel. Rid yourself of self and all is well.

Pray about all, but concentrate on a few things until those are accomplished. I am watching over you. Strength for your daily, hourly task is provided. Yours is the fault, the sin, if is unclaimed, and you fail for lack of it.

++++++
Something that I have struggled with is the fact that I couldn't understand how God could take John so soon. I got my answer in yesterdays devotion. And it somehow helped me. It was in the book Jesus Calling:

At the end of your life-path is an entrance to heaven. Only I know when you will reach that destination, but I am preparing you for it each step of the way. The absolute certainty of your heavenly home gives you Peace and Joy, to help you along your journey. You know that you will reach your home in MY PERFECT TIMING: NOT ONE MOMENT TOO SOON OR TOO LATE. Let the hope of heaven encourage you, as you walk along the path of Life with Me.

++++After reading that I just bowed my head an actually thanked the Lord for taking John in His time. Only God knows why. God had prepared him. While I prayed and cried I realized that that was part of my problem. I was disappointed with God for taking him too soon....that he wasn't ready.....I wasn't ready. But, we don't live for ourselves, we live for God. God was ready for John. It was John's time.....God's time. So, I can move on in that area of this journey. I don't have to fight that anymore. Oh, I am sure the enemy will bring it back and try to make me wonder again...but I will try to remember my devotion yesterday and how I was so thankful to my father for showing me this. "Not one moment too soon...."

Praise the Lord with us...Our baby Emma (Jonathon and Jessica's baby) is through with chemo. She is returning to the happy baby we once knew. We thank the Lord for hearing our prayers and touching her sweet tiny body. Thank the Lord with us.

Pray for Hannah and her job situation. I know God has a plan for her. I ask her every day if she is praying and she tells me she is. I am praying that this will be a growing and learning lesson for her that the Lord is faithful to us when we ask him to lead us.

Please continue to pray for Isaac. I know he is struggling with so much. I know he is still missing John so much. I think sometimes I try to fill in for him and I am learning that I can't do that. All I can do is be there for him. Pray for him in school. He is really struggling. He took the occt...something test today and said he did terrible on it. It is supposedly suppose to be like the important CRT test that they will be taking in a few weeks. It will help them to know where they are so they know where to place them next year. I am really worried. If he didn't do well on this first sample like test....then what of the CRT? Pray for him please.

Pray for Rachel. I know recently she has really been missing John. She is taking some pitching lessons and I know she wished John was here to help her and see her as he was the middle school softball coach and she and John had talked often about her playing. Pray for her.

Pray for all of us. I am in the midst of memorizing Psalm 91, and one of the verses says, "He will command his angels charge over me to guard me in all my ways. I will tread upon the lion and the cobra, on the giant lion and cobra I will trample down."

So every morning I have prayed that scripture...that the Lord will command His angels over us....that he would guard us in all of our ways. I pray that the kids will begin to have a growing desire to serve the Lord. To make Him real in their lives. Please pray this with me.

Pray for Matthew to also get a good job. He is working at Lincoln again....last I knew. But it is only part time. So he needs another part time job for the summer. So please pray for him.

Thank you again for listening to me, for praying for us, for loving us.

Love,
Saundra

Monday, April 13, 2010

2010-04-12T21:32:00.002-05:00

Wow! I am loved!!!! Thank you for all the positive, reassuring comments!!! You guys are why I blog. It is the comments that you make, the happiness in your writing, your faithfulness to me and to our Lord that keep me going!!! You guys are great.

Today was a pretty good day. A little struggle here and there. A thought here and there of my loved one. But I would whisper, "Jesus" and a calmness would cover me.

I hate fixing dinner. I tell you, I just dread it every evening...actually before. I started thinking about it this morning!!!!! This morning!!! How I could get out of cooking!!!! Sometimes it is easier than others...sometimes harder. When the harder times hit, I either take them out to eat, or fix and let them to themselves to eat. Tonight was one of those nights. I would like you to pray with me about it. I used to love to cook! I loved it! It just isn't the same. We haven't eaten as a family at the table. I just can't yet. We either eat in the living room together, or they go off to their rooms. I know it isn't right. I know it doesn't help things. But to force myself to fix and eat at the table would....well, it wouldn't be pretty. So pray that I figure it out. I really want to know why I am bothered by it. Or, maybe I am not to understand, just learn from it. And that is fine also. But I need help with it....and my help comes only from my Lord. So please pray with me about it.

Well, I made a decision tonight that I was scared to make. It would have been and John decision. But, Hannah has been wanting to quit working at Panera for a while now. She just hated going in. I didn't know that when she did go to work she would sometimes sit in the car and cry before going in. She said she didn't know why but she just didn't want to work there anymore.

We had went through this discussion about 1 month ago and kind of argued about it. I told her that there was no way she could quit with her senior year coming up, trips, proms, etc...and she loves to go out and do things. I could not pay for that stuff. She would need to stay put. She wasn't happy about it then and was not tonight when we talked about it. In fact, she was in tears.

As I sat and talked with her, my heart began to move in sync with hers. I felt for her. She said that it was hard working someplace that you hated. I told her that that was a fact of life. But then I was checked. It isn't that important that she learn that lesson now. So, I told her that she could give her two weeks notice tonight, but she had to begin looking for a job right away.

She brought up SNU. Wondering if she could work there this summer. I told her I thought that was a good idea. So, I told her to go get a app tomorrow right after school. We would fill it out and take it in. We would wait, and then a week before school let's out if we haven't heard from anyone we would do it again. She thinks it would be a great idea to work on campus. I think it would be great too! Having her this close...no driving...which I am constantly worrying about those late night hours.

I also told her that we were going to take this to the Lord. So, I am asking you to really make this a matter of prayer. I told her that God can do this....and it will be fun watching him work. Just pray that the right person get her app and will be interested enough to giver her a call and a try.

Isaac had a little trouble at school today. He is struggling in Pre-Algebra and Science. So, please pray for him. Pray for wisdom in these areas and ask the Lord to help him retain what is taught. God is faithful.

Hannah has a track meet tomorrow. Pray for continued safety and protection.

Thanks again for your wonderful comments...each and everyone of you. I have not been forgotten. I am loved and prayed for. Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me that you are there. I am not alone.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, April 11, 2010

2010-04-11T19:13:00.003-05:00

Friends, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get on here. Busy, busy...is the only word I can find. With Isaac playing baseball, Rachel taking softball pitching lessons, and her softball practices, and Hannah track.....I am pretty busy.

That was alright...it gave me time to think about all of your comments. Some positive to me, some negative to me. That's okay too. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Jeff, you are always so positive with what you say...as many of you are. I look forward to hearing your comments and words of encouragement.

But, to you others....until you walk a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me to move on. I have had ladies that have been in my place tell me that it took years....my psychiatrist tells me I am doing fine......I am right where I need to be emotionally and mentally. The books that Dr. Randall Spindle has given our family to read tells me and shows me that I am right where I need to be. So, until you have been exactly where I am, you cannot possibly tell me how to handle it. But thanks for reading my blog just the same.

This blog was first created to let you know how John was doing. After his passing, and I felt I was able, I began to use it as a sounding board....as a way to receive encouragement, others point of view, and mainly prayer. That is why I am not angry or upset regarding the negative comments, or the "move on", "enough is enough" comments. That is your point of view. I don't have to accept it.

However, I am doing better. In my devotional book, Jesus Calling, I read two devotionals that spoke directly to me...(which I might add to the person that asked if I really believed the scriptures I quote...."sometimes the darkness hides His face"...those are the dark days....when I need the prayer.....when the waves are washing over me and I feel I am drowning).......It says,

This is time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

and....the other..

I am taking care of you. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: "I trust You, Jesus." By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.

Before you arise from you bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.

I was at my deepest when I read them. This last one was the big one....with determination, I left the house that morning...thinking...whenever I feel the enemy trying to get to me...to destroy me....I will just say, "JESUS". That was all I was going to say.

And throughout the day...I did. I said it several times. And each time I really believe that the enemy had to flee. And I have used it since that day.

I used it Saturday. Isaac and I rode our bikes for the first time this season in the Red Bud Classic. It would have been John and I. As we were loading the car that morning.....and was having trouble with the bike rack, I began to tear up...(not letting Isaac know)...but I was remembering John doing all of that. I never had to deal with that. And I thought how much we were planning to do the red bud this year....with Isaac...the three of us. And I thought of how sad it was that Isaac will never get to experience this with his daddy. But, then I remembered my 'word', JESUS. And I said it, I whispered it. The thoughts were gone. Throughout the ride I had to say it several times...but each time He was there reminding me of His presence.

We had a great time. Isaac had a great time. He rides like his dad liked to ride....fast. He would ride way ahead of me, wait for me, check with me, then off he would go. Now, John stayed with me more, but I couldn't let my little fellow do this thing. He loves going fast! He had a fun time. He just wishes he would have won that cool bike they had for a prize!!!

I am on a journey.....as the Israelites were...there were days when they doubted God's existence, sometimes it would take them a while to see His hands at work, other days, it seemed he was a prayer away. I too have those days. I am told they are to be expected. That I am normal. I don't think, yet, I know what normal is for me. But it will come. All will come.

I am excited for the new sermon series.....I have been praying for God to let me see His face. I have been seeking His face in my morning devotions. I want to be like Him. I am anxious to see what He is going to do in me and through me. I believe I am in for a big change. I can't wait. I believe God is going to use Pastor David and David O'bannon to fulfill His plan for me. Whatever it is...I am willing.

John's birthday is May 7. I know it will be a hard, hard day for me. I won't know what to do. I loved surprising him. The kids and I would always have a cake and gifts waiting for him when he got home from work, if it was on a workday. The kids loved celebrating his birthday. He always made their gifts to him seem like the best one in the world.

I have been thinking about going out to the grave site on his birthday. I really want to. But at the same time I am doubting I can do it. I thought of also asking the kids. We haven't been out there yet. I don't know if any of us are ready. So, I am asking you to pray for me to know what is the right thing to do. And to have the courage to do it, whatever it is.

Matthew is doing fantastic. Playing with the kids. Actually having conversations with them. Loving on them, loving on me. As far as I know school is going great for him. He doesn't talk much as I have mentioned before. The coach has asked Matthew to red shirt for this year. Which means he can play golf for 4 years. I don't know you can ask someone about it. I don't get it. Anyway, the team is playing a tournament at Lincoln tomorrow and since it was his home course, Coach asked him to help the coach the guys. He is thrilled. He is so excited. I am very happy for him.

Hannah is doing great. Since her revelation to me she spends more time at home and we laugh more together. She seems so much happier than she did before, I know she was holding that in. She is planning to go to the prom with her friends. She just loves this getting dressed up stuff. I was never into that, and I know John wasn't so i don't know where she gets that from!!!

Isaac is doing good. Since the ride on Saturday it seems like we have a new bond. He has been pretty obliging toward me. Even studying his Science tonight...and it was tough, he was good. He still needs prayer to keep him afloat in school. He just has no desire to succeed in school. It is no big deal to him. He is enjoying his sports though. He is playing baseball right now and loves it.

Rach is also doing great. Always has. Just little Miss Happy. She is playing softball, and is taking pitching lessons. She would like to play fast pitch softball with the school next year. I hope she can pick it up.

I would still like to see a spiritual change in each of their lives. I am praying that this new series will touch their lives right where they are in their spiritual journey. I am praying that God work in their hearts and I pray that you would pray the same.

Well, it is time to study for science again. And...I have kept you long enough. Thanks again for all your comments, and for your faithfulness to me and my blog. Sometimes, just getting it out .... makes a difference.

Love to you all,
Saundra

Tuesday, April 7, 2010

2010-04-06T20:38:00.003-05:00

I feel so alone. Yet, I know I am not. I feel abandoned, yet I know I am not. I have so many negative feelings going through me that all I see around me are dark clouds. I want so much to turn back the clock, the days....yet I know I can't.

I dwell on John constantly. My thoughts are on him all the time. Everywhere I look there is something that reminds me of him. I am so lost without him. Questions to be answered....things to do......that I know nothing about. Choices to be made....that I can't make on my own....but have to. Discipline to be handed out...that is totally ignored. Respect that has been ignored....or maybe even lost.

Despair? I am the walking definition of it. Distraught also. I just am so depressed. Sad. Unbearably unhappy. Don't know how much longer I can wear my "happy" face.

Today in devotions it said not to focus on the past, because when we do the darkness covers up what He is doing for us, or has for us.

Believe it? Yes. Living it? No. Why? Because I can't get past that I have lost my love. My best friend. My helper, my husband, the father of my children, the perfect mate, the person that meant everything to me. I can't get past that. And so the darkness surrounds me.

Pray for me. I am tired....and can fight any longer.

Saundra

Saturday, April 3, 2010

2010-04-03T08:55:00.002-05:00

Friends, I am afraid I am feeling mindless, foggy, my mind is rushing in so many directions. As I had devotions this morning I just cried out to the Lord. Asking Him if He was hearing me, and I begged him to read my thoughts. Usually I write my prayers out,.....I couldn't this morning. It just seemed like there was so many....so much.

After I had my devotions, I thought of you, my faithful readers, and your prayers. And I know sometimes you get weary of my ups and downs, even what I write doesn't make sense a lot of days. Yet, you pray and you read and you comment. And I thought, you know...I am going to talk to them this morning. I am going to just ramble....and I am going to just let them decipher what they can and pray for what they understand.

I told Matthew about the vehicle situation. It didn't go well...AT FIRST. But I really believe that when he had time to think about it, and the Lord had time to talk with him, he came around. He came to me, put his arms around me and told me to do what I wanted. That he would stand behind me whatever the decision was. That whatever I vehicle I got he would be okay...he would drive the saturn. It didn't matter to him. He hugged me and hugged me. He apologized for getting angry and told me he loved me. The words I long to hear from him.

But, now in my mind I battle with wanting him to still be happy with whatever I get. I don't know why! I want him happy. Happier than me if so be. I just don't get it. He wants another, maybe smaller SUV...as I do also, but that makes no sense. It defeats the purpose of the whole gas thing I think. I don't know much about SUV's but I thought they were all gas hogs. Yes, he wants it for looks, but I would like one because i will be having to put 3 bikes on a vehicle to go bike riding. So I am so confused. I just cry to the Lord for help! Help in deciding, making the right choice, doing the right thing, doing what is best. I was never good at making decisions. That was John's job. That is his job!!!!!!!

And it is hard getting rid of the explorer for so many reasons. One, John and I talked often about how much we loved that car. John talked about how it was one of his favs since we had been married. I know you may laugh at that reason, but it is real to me.

Then, the whole Easter thing! How do I celebrate the rising of my Saviour, when in my heart I mourn and grieve for my love one to be here. My heart is so torn. While I praised the Lord this morning for dying for me...giving his life for me...I cried because my heart yearned for John to be here to celebrate with me and the kids as we used to. Dying/coloring eggs is a big thing at our house....or was. John made it so fun. You know...you knew him....how he could make everything so much more fun than it should have been.

So how, how? How do I celebrate Christ, and grieve my beloved? Torn.....again.

Happy? Not sure I can go there this weekend. I will put up a good front....for my kids. For you. But just know my heart is dead.

I have to tell you. Yesterday....I realized how I really felt when I was almost hit broadside by a car. As I looked back at the car that hit me, my thought...exactly...was this...."You know that may not have been so bad! That would have been okay." And then I wished that it had.

:Pray for us.

Love,
Saundra

April 1, 2010, Thurs

2010-04-01T22:34:00.002-05:00

Just got home from Isaacs baseball game. Can't sleep. The girls are gone to friends house...boys are in bed. I am really feeling lonely today.

It was one of those days. I woke up late making everyone late and on edge. It just made me feel so overwhelmed. I am so tired. Weary. I feel pulled in so many directions. Trying to make everyone happy. I don't want to cause any conflict amongst me and/or the kids.

I have been driving the Saturn. An older car....old car...that gramps gave Matthew when he went to OWU. It was not the "Typical" teenagers car, but it was all he had at that time. He loves to drive our explorer. My explorer. He drives it all the time now. Pretty much. I drive the Saturn. It gets great gas milleage...great....as well as Hannah's little truck. But that Explorer. It is a gas hog. Well, with Isaac having games our of town......way out of town, and Hannah have track meets....way out of town...I really need a more reliable car.

Because I was driving more and further distances I was telling David that I would have to budget in more gas money. When he figured out I was driving the Saturn so far....and Matthew was driving the Explorer he kind of wondered why. I explained that he didn't like the Saturn....and I didn't mind driving the Saturn. He then explained to me that there were people who were taking care of the explorer for me so I would have something safe to drive. Therefore, driving long distances, by myself, I should drive that.

Upon further discussion he suggested that maybe we could trade the Explorer in for something smaller that used less gas. Which would also mean that that would put Matthew back in the Saturn. You wouldn't believe the internal conflict I am going through. I know the right thing would be to do just that. But then he would be upset and wouldn't want to drive the Saturn. I would once again let him have the newer car. Again defeating the purpose.

I am so confused. I don't want conflict. I want Matthew happy. But what do I do? I don't know. I am just yapping away because it is on my mind....and this is my voice! Do I save gas? Do I make Matthew unhappy? I mean ...I don't mind driving the Saturn. But I put $10 worth of gas in the explorer for Matthew the other night....it brought the needle up to about 1/4 of a tank. The next night I got in it to run to Walgreen's and it was already on empty. I can put 10 in the Saturn, or Hannah 10 in the truck and it will last us a week at the least.

Just pray with me. I don't even know what to pray for!!!!! But pray!!!

The kids are doing great. Matthew seems to have more love and life in him than I have seen in 10 years!!! I felt so badly about waking up late, and yes Isaac yelled at me. I went in to wake Matthew up and he had heard the conversation and he just called me to his bed, put his arms up, and hugged me. He is becoming more and more sensitive. Tonight he spoke before he thought and immediately apologized to me. That hasn't happened in like forever!!!!!

Hannah, seems not to mind staying home as much anymore. I really think it was a break through when she voiced her opinion to me. She is doing a lot better now.

Isaac still needs a heart change. He becomes angry so easily.

Rach is doing great. She still has a little time being away from me...but can be talked into it!!!!

All of them need a real and deep relationship with our Lord.

I am feeling really lonely today and yesterday. I keep thinking I can't do it. Easter is hard. We had fun Easter morning. I am going to do the same.....I don't want to change anything. The kids are already asking...(the little ones) about coloring eggs. A Saturday evening tradition. But it wont' be the same. I am hoping that Hannah keeps her good attitude through it all.

Pray for us. It will be a hard weekend.

I love you all so much for being my friends and listeners, readers, commenters..etc...angels...

Thank you,
Saundra

I Marchy 29, 2010

2010-03-29T21:48:00.003-05:00

Ginger, first of all I want to tell you that Yes, your mind is jumbled. And it will be for some time to come. But it is typical for what we are going through! Honest! It has been proven. There are even days now when I can't think straight. My goodness, there was 2 months where I wouldn't make a decision because I knew I couldn't and wasn't thinking straight. It is normal.

Even today at work, I could sense that my mind was "jumbled" so as I was given a mission to do, I told the teacher telling me to please write down what she wanted me to do because I didn't think that I could remember it. Thankfully, she has worked with me long enough she knew right what I meant.

Now, to His word. My doctor said today that when he first saw me months ago that i was in pretty bad shape...but He can see how my faith, MY GOD, has carried me through. Find a scripture that speaks to your needs for this time and memorize it. When satan comes in and tries to destroy us even more.....you can speak God's word and he has to flea. Just as Jesus did. We can do it too.

I have some books I am going to have Sallye Siems bring over to you. They explain from day one what you will experience...and so far it has been right on. What has been helpful to me is to know what is to come....and that I am not going crazy.

My dear friends, thank you for all the wonderful comments about my family, and my wonderful husband. I sense a moving amongst our little family. A closeness is beginning. A binding is stating. Why should I be surprised.....didn't we pray for that?

Hannah went to both Isaac and Rachel's games tonight. Even sat on my lap during Rachel's. Matthew, Isaaac and Hannah and I sat and laughed with one another during Rachel's game. I sat there and thought "Wow, we are becoming a family again." While it is still hard. I think I may see the tip of a rainbow!!! Praise the Lord!!!!

Remember yesterday I told you that in Sunday School Dave challenged us to pray for a desire for the mission of God to save the lost and dying world. To be His witness. Well, I started praying that this morning...and don't ya know....I did long all day for a chance to tell someone about Jesus! I had two chances....a co worker and my doctor. I know that sounds lame, but to me it was very exciting. And, I didn't know what to say when the time did co me...but all I could say, was what God had done for me and where I was in my relationship to Him now. I so want that desire to grow deeper yet..

Matthew is showing more and more love towards all of us. I thank the Lord for that. Still pray for his golfing and his school work.

Pray for Hannah. That she will continue to open up, to want to be with us....to realize that life goes on.
She is also struggling with track. Pray for her.

Pray for Isaac. He is struggling in school and in baseball. He just cannot hit the ball. My heart breaks for him. He can't hit it!!!! Please pray for him.

Pray for protection for all of us. It is at the moments when we are at the top of the mountain that satan tries to attack. But pray that God commands His Angels to care for each of us and protect us from the enemies arrows.

Thanks for reading...I love you all...
Saundra

Sunday, March 29, 2010

2010-03-28T21:38:00.002-05:00

Wow, What a weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with such a longing for John. I didn't know if I could even get through my devotions.....let alone the day.
But, since Hannah is having such a hard time being with us and in our home I decided that there were two things I could do for her: the one being the obvious...pray. The second is to make it a fun place...where there wasn't always gloom, or me crying. Even if it meant holding my own feeling in I was/am willing to do that.

So, she has a project due next Friday, and Rach has one due a little later, which would make it necessary to make a trip to Hobby Lobby. Matthew was gone, judging at the Regional Speech Competition at Bethany schools. Isaac was staying with a friend. So I decided it would be a fun girls day.

So, I asked Hannah if she wanted to go to Hobby Lobby then to Walmart with me and she agreed. We soon had Rachel on the bandwagon. Then, I had not wanted to go see Emma because of it being 1) being a hospital (reminded me of too much) and 2) it was next to the very hospital. So, I just couldn't bring myself to go.

But Saturday Morning all of a sudden I felt a burst of bravery and thought "I can do this!" So I asked the girls, and Matthew who was home by now, if they wanted to go visit Emma. They all enthusiastically agreed. When we got there I parked in the wrong parking garage and the 3 kids laughed and teased me about it all the way to the right Hospital. They walked arm in arm...all three of them. Matthew being in the middle. It made me feel so good inside.

It was the same thing as we walked back to the car. Matthew in the middle and each girl with their arms around him and he them. They laughed and talked all the way to the car. It felt almost normal.

We stayed and visited for a little while and they we left. The girls and I headed to Hobby and Lobby and just spent hours in there looking around. We laughed about things, talked about things....had a great relaxing time.

We went to Scholtszky's for lunch and sat and visited and had a great time there also...sharing one another's food. Then we went to Walmart where the girls did more giggling and teasing with each other than I have seen them do for at least 4 months. It was so good!

Then we came home and just sat and relaxed with one another. Nothing said, but a lot said. If you know what I mean. Hannah seemed herself for that time.

She seemed great today also. She talked and shared and laughed and actually spent most of the day here! It was good to have her here.

Went to church this morning. Was disappointed that Matthew didn't make it. But, I know that he is moving closer to the Lord everyday. In fact, I can see it on his face, by his actions and the words he uses. God is moving on him.

I loved Sunday School. I was sharing with someone today that I almost look forward to going to Sunday School than I do church. Dave is so open. So free. He is you, he is me. I have been where he has been. He has been where I have been. Maybe not exactly the same...but we are both sinners saved by God's Grace. And that puts us in the same category.

I loved his lesson this morning. I have been praying that God would make me more like Him. Like I would be more like Him in my everyday life. But, today I thought, as Dave was speaking, of course!!! If I pray for a desire to have the mission of Christ, of saving the lost, I will become like Him! I think I've been praying wrong. My prayer is changing to ...Lord, give me a desire to win the lost for you. Give me your desire.....that your mission will become my mission!

Prayers....
Pray for Matthew as the Lord continues to work in his heart and life. Pray that he will begin to have a little more responsibility.not only in the house here with me...but in his own life. He is qualifying tomorrow in golf. Pray that he plays well. That his hands, wrists, arms, and all that is involved will move the best way for him to do the best he has done.

Pray for Hannah. Pray that she continues to open up about the pain and hurt that she is feeling. Thank the Lord for how she has started to open up this far. Pray that God will begin to heal her heart as she reveals her pain. I pray that she begins to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Help to see how he can help her.

Be with Isaac. Lord, give him an obedient heart. A heart that wants to please. A heart that is for others and not for selfish motives. Lord, work in his heart, touch his mind. Lord, I need him to be more obedient towards me. More respective to me. Help him at school as this is one area that he struggles in. Help him to understand the teachers and what they say. Give him wisdom.

Be with Rach. I pray that she will continue to hear His voice and know it. That she will be one with Him and that he can begin to work His will in her life.

Pray for our protection where ever we each go. Pray for God's angels to surround us with safety and protection.

Pray for peace in our home. Pray for patience with one another.

Pray for the Nimmo family, They have been heavy on the my heart. Lord, comfort them, and meet their needs daily.

Thank you faithful readers...I am glad you are still here.

Love,
Saundra

Friday March 27, 2010

2010-03-26T22:54:00.002-05:00

My heart hears your sobs Ginger. I am there with you. How do I cope? By being honest with myself and others about my feelings. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. It is only through God's Grace that I find the strength to go on. How do I cope? Sometimes I don't. Today was one of those days. It is days like these that I try to live in His presence, relying on Him to carry me, because I can't possibly carry myself, let alone my children. There are many, many days I doubt His existence, His power, Him. But then I look from where I have come and know deep inside my heart that I could not have made by any other way.

I read. I read the Bible like I have never read it before. I search it, listening, letting Him direct my thoughts so He can give me something to hold onto. And I hold onto Him. And, I study, and memorize. And I look back to the very first scripture He gave me...rather the first words I heard Him say to me...."I will sustain you". That's all I had. But at that time that was all I needed. That was His promise to me for that time.

You ask yourself why over and over again. Then, like me you finally realize that you will never have the answer here on this earth. That He is the only one that knows. So, you tell Him, "Okay, then show me what you want me to do out of this?" And you find yourself becoming more like Him. And just the time you think..."Okay, I'm making it." Something will hit you like you have never been hit before.....and you don't think you will ever make it....and it begins again....but this time....you are a little bit stronger....because you have been in His word, you have been in His presence, you have communed with Him. And you don't understand....but He quiets you.

Ginger, I don't have the words. I don't have an explanation. All I can tell you is what I did. And that was get into the word. And trust...trust those around you. Lean on them....I believe God sends them to us in these times. Look for Him in EVERYTHING. He is there....

I am still too close to the fire to come and be with you. I think I would just sit and cry and make it so much worse for you. But, know that I know. Know that I care. Know that I pray. You are in my heart. I feel your pain.

To my friends, today was a very hard day. I don't know if I told you that Hannah finally told me that she doesn't want to be around us or the house because it reminds her too much of daddy.

Well, today she had a track meet in Hinton. Her first of the year. I had been texting her throughout the morning asking her how it was going. Just talking with her to know let her know someone was thinking of her. I was getting my lunch ready at school and I got a text from her. It said, "I can't run without Daddy here." I broke down. I couldn't eat. I called her and tried to talk with her. Encourage her. She sounded so discouraged. So down. So sad. I tried to get through it. I kept saying that she would be alright. But I couldn't convince myself. I text Matthew to see if he could and he couldn't. So, I just made a decision...I was going. I explained it to Mr Broughton...who is the most understanding person I know...and he said that was fine and he let me leave.

I drove as fast as I could. Got there in 45 min. I missed her run the first one....she came in 2nd....but watched her run the second one...came in 2nd then also. I don't know if it made a difference that I was there. I sure hope so. I may never know. But, I did what I felt I should do as her mother at this time. Then hurried home because Isaac and Rach were home by themselves. Which I never like to do right after school. I always prided myself that my children never came home to an empty house. But they were alone.

Then, came home, ran to Academy to get some things for Rach as she starts softball tonight. Grabbed food from Subway, brought it home and then was off to her game by 7:15. I can't be mom and dad. I can't be both. I am only one person. How do i do it?

Pray for me.
Pray for Hannah, she is opening up more and more. Give me wisdom as to what to say to her. Help me help her.

O God, help me. Fill this hole. I miss him so much. I just keeping saying I cant believe he is gone. He is gone. He is gone. I want to be gone. I want to be with him. O God, my God. Help me. I am distraught and in anguish. You promised your presence, you promised to hide me under your wings, you promised to carry me close to your heart...promises Father. Show me they are true. I am waiting for you.

Pray....
Saundra

It is days like these, my friends, my prayer warriors, that I think I can't go on. I am soooo tired. Tired. I can't do this alone.

Thurs. March 26, 2010

2010-03-25T20:58:00.002-05:00

My mind just seems to be so jumbled. I have so many thought going through my mind. So many things going on.

Let me see, last night killed me. We finalized the grave stone for John. I couldn't believe it. It made it final. He really is gone...forever. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I couldn't get his beautiful face, his wonderful smile, his gentleness out of my mind. I miss him. I want to be with him.

I woke with such a feeling of dread. I didn't want to get out of bed. If it were not for the kids I would have stayed there....forever. Not facing the world, the work, anything. I am just tired of it all. I don't want to do it anymore! Yes, but I know I have to.

Then, I had to go to Kingfisher again tonight. Remember that was where the golf course was that I went to with John. The baseball field is right north of it. I knew it all day long and dreaded it. Furthermore, I knew I was going to have to go by myself. I prayed for rain all day. We got sunshine. That wasn't funny Lord. Having, firt to go to the game by myself, then sit by myself, and look over and see the course. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there.

I talked to Hannah on the phone on the way to Kingfisher. Finally got some information from her. It hurts me. I don't know what to do about it. But, I had taken Rach over to grams, so she could take her to practice while I was at Isaacs game. So, Hannah called to see where we all were. When I told her she said that she would just go someplace with her friends. I suggested that she go spend time with Rach and grams because we never see her. She started to cry and said she didn't like being home because it reminded her too much of daddy. She said, it made her sick to be home. She said, it just seems sad when we are all here. She likes to be with her friends because they are always laughing.

I explained to her that we have all gotten better. That it isn't like that anymore. I told her that she has to give us a chance. Then I told her that she couldn't avoid us, or our home forever. She said, "Yes, I can." I told her that if she thought that was the answer that I would need to get her some help. That yes, that is normal grieving....to not like to come home. But to expect to do it forever, and not let it out, that was not healthy.

She was crying by then. I didn't know what to say to her. But, now I know. I told her that we all missed her. That we wanted her to be with us. She said, she just couldn't. It just made her sick to be with us and be home without daddy.

I am worn out. It isn't hard enough to get everyone where they need to be, and want to be there with them. But now, I need to find help for Hannah. I am worried. She is definitely holding her feelings in.

I am starting to dread waking up. I dread after school. It seems my mind never quits nor does my body. I am going 100%^ all the time. I don't think I can do it much longer. The Lord needs to come and get me, or I need to go to him.

Matthew is doing great. He has been so helpful. Isaac and I were arguing a little about studying and he quietly and calmly came out and settled the argument! Kind of tickled me. But, I still pray that he would crave God's word. He is so smart that I believe once he starts reading it will be amazing what he discovers, and how God can speak to him through it.

Pray for Hannah. Pray that she somehow finds a way to let go. Help her to deeal with John's passing in a healthy way. I am so thankful for her friends though. I don't know what she would have done if she didn['t have them. But, I am praying that God use them to help her. I think also, if she would begin to search her heart and look for God that she would find out that he can take that pain away.

Pray for Isaac. He sure misses John during this baseball season. He just sat quietly all the way home from his game. I wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking, but I was afraid of the answer, Pray that the Lord would give him and obediant spirit and heart,

Pray for Rach. Tonight when she got home from Softball practice I went to find her and she was just sitting on her bed....just sitting there. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Just thinking". But about what she wouldn't say.

It's funny. I am the talker....obviously......John was the one that kept things inside......so do each of the kids. How ironic.

Just pray for us.

I'm tired. I am weary. I want to quit, but know I can't. There is so much I want to do. But I am so busy with the kids I can't find time for even myself. Is that selfish? I don't know. But, I can't do this alone...and right now I feel like I am.

Pat, I just wanted to tell you thank you. You are a faithful reader of my blog and I so appreciate it. I know you are praying and appreciate that also. Keep praying.

Well, it is 9:41. I have 2 more loads of laundry, and 3 lunches to pack. I would love to sweep my house...it needs it so bad...but the laundry and lunches are more important at this point. The sweeping will have to wait....yet another day.

Maybe God will come and take us all home tonight...then who cares what gets done!!!!!!

Love,
Saundra

Also....don't forget our baby Emma. I don't understand it all enough to explain what is going on with her. But the poor baby needs prayer. She needs God's healing touch. ( I find that very hard to ask for or even say since I have been there..done that....and it didin't do anything)..but if you have any faith...pray for her healing.

Wednesday Evening, March 25, 2010

2010-03-24T18:50:00.002-05:00

I am feeling blue tonight. Just don't have much energy, much of anything to give. I think I can see how my summer is going to be. Like tonight. All the kids gone doing their own thing. Now I am not looking forward to summer.

Got my hair done today. Didn't want to make too much of a change because John loved my hair. But it turned out differently than I expected. Don't even have the energy to really care.

Thank the Servants of the Lord that were led to help Isaac get a bike. He got it Monday night, rode it a little bit. Than Tuesday night he had a game so he didn't get a chance to ride it. Though that was the first thing on his mind when he left the game. I assured him that I would not let him ride in the dark.

Then that was the first thing he did when he got home from school today. He is so happy. I was telling Jeff and Sallye tonight that he would definitely be able to keep up with David, and Kevin and those guys. He just rides so fast.

But to you that gave so he could have...thank you. Thank you for listening to God and obeying Him. You are true Saints. And I believe it has changed Isaacs heart in a way.

Boy, I am down......I don't even feel like doing this.....just pray for me. I need a bit of sunshine in my life. I guess I have some worries that I need to give to the Lord...maybe that is it.

Pray.

Love,
Saundra

Sunday, March 21, 2010

2010-03-21T21:46:00.002-05:00

Today started out pretty good. Church was good. Sunday School was awesome. The spirit was so there!!!! Thanks to Dave for allowing the spirit to do the work and move. I know not only did Dave speak to me in class, but the others that shared, and God was easily heard in it all.

But, tonight is different. I don't know. So many reasons. Rachel is sick. Matthew is going through something that he won't talk to me. I feel sooooo lonely when he won't talk to me. I don't understand why, but I do. And he is short with me. So, I feel like I have done something. I have asked him to talk to me and he won't. I know he and Jennie have decided to wait until next college year to have a relationship..if at all. But, there is so much more going on with Matthew. I can see it in his eyes. And if you read his facebook, he is reaching out. Please pray for me.

I told Sallye I was doing okay today, until he just got so down. So sad. He pretty much laid in his bed all day. Really. My heart hurts.

Then if that isn't enough, I needed to put gas in two of the vehicles and Hannah said she couldn't go with me, Matthew...well I was afraid to ask. So, I called Jay. He did go with me. But, it is at those times when I look at my life and wonder if I will ever be able to have a "normal" life again.

As I pulled in the drive, I looked back towards the garage and saw all the trash that needed to be pulled to the curb and just sighed. Isaac had homework, Matthew I wouldn't ask, that left....yea me. I just wanted John at that moment.

I realize that John and I enabled the kids to be what they are now. Not helping out...etc...but I don't know how to change it. We did everything. Everything. I can't. Not by myself. I feel so lonely tonight.

Thank Jesus that Jeff and Sallye needed to come over for something so Jeff got Isaac out there to help with the trash. But, as I sit here...trying to get Isaac to work on his homework, helping Rach as she holds the trash can, wishing Matthew would just come out and hug me, wishing Hannah would do the same. I am so lonely.

I sometimes wonder...honestly, would they miss me? Oh, yea, the clean laundry that they find every day. The food put before them....but they could do that all themselves. I wonder. Is this pain I feel, this loneliness I feel really worth all this? I wonder. I am so lonely.

Yea, I have friends...but this is an emptiness I don't think anyone here on earth can fill. A loneliness that only certain people can feel....and wonder....if it will ever be filled. I am so lonely.

I am tired friends. I need a fresh touch. Dave talked about the silence. I am there. What does he want of me. I feel like I have given him everything....literally. What more? What is He trying to tell me. Oh, for a peace that passes all understanding right now.

Pray for Me. Pray for that Peace. Pray that God will talk...that as his sheep I will hear his voice and know it. Pray for direction with my children. I want them to be raised in Christ, through Christ....and with respect for others. I want them to be happy. Pray that I know how to do that for them.

Pray for Matthew. That he will find the happiness that he is looking for, in Christ. Help him to realize that happiness is not in the friends he has, the girls he dates, but in Christ alone. Help him to see that. I pray that he will have a personal relationship with the One that can take care of him and love him as his daddy did.

Pray for Hannah. She needs the Lord. That is hard for me to admit...but she does. Yes, she is a typical teenager, and will do typical teenage things. BUT, she still has to find her place with Jesus. I don't believe John and I emphasized that enough to our kids. I pray that she will begin to have a longing for a relationship with Him.

Pray for Isaac. He has such a big space missing in his life. It's as though his life is a puzzle and the piece that is missing is the piece he needs most. He is lonely. I know he is. He reaches out to Matthew quite a bit. Sometimes accepted, sometimes not. He is so athletic. John was his athletic buddy. And he misses that. Where he used to spend all his time outside, now he is inside. Where he used to love sports, I am not sure that is so anymore. Pray for a bike for him. I thought it would be good for him to get one. While Sallye is at work he and I could ride. He can ride in rides with us. Which is what John had promised him and he was looking so forward to this summer. Pray for his little heart to find peace. Pray that he find the Lord. He needs a relationship as well with Jesus. He needs to know the Lord. Pray that he have an obedient heart, not only to the Lord, but to me as well.

Pray for Rach. As I write this she is on the couch sick and throwing up. Pray for comfort for her. Pray that God continue to lead her tender heart.

Pray that this sickness she has stops with her. I told Sallye I don't know if I can handle anything else right now.

Pray for God's angels to surround each of us with His Angels. "That He command His Angels to have charge over us.....that we won't strike our foot against a stone." Ps 91.

I am memorizing that passage so you will be seeing it in my blog a lot. It has so much to say. So much of what I need in it. I wanted to have it in my heart, in my mind, and on my tongue when the enemy tries to strike.

Thanks for reading.

Love to you all,

Saundra

Sat. March 20, 2010

2010-03-20T09:34:00.002-05:00

Well, once again, and I shouldn't be surprised, God is faithful. He brought all my babies home safely to me yesterday. Yes, it was hard not to worry. But I want to work so hard on moving forward in my faith and trust in God. I went to the grocery store (BFL--which I hate...but had to do some banking anyway), and was Skyping with my sister quite a bit yesterday. The day went by pretty swiftly....not by coincidence either. He knew I needed it to....as my faith grew.

Had an interesting thing happen yesterday though. I tan....well am just starting....it was one of those things that I just couldn't do....I used to start in Feb....but just couldn't''t this time, anyway....went to my tanning place that I have went to for the past 3 years. Towards the end of last summer, I think they had a staff turnover or something, because I noticed a few new faces. Anyway, one of those new faces was at the desk when I walked in. We said our hello's, then I had to register. I couldn't remember...which happens a lot nowadays...what plan I was on last year. I asked her if she could look it up on the computer and she agreed. She asked for my name, and I told her. She turned toward the computer, then stopped, took a breath, and said, "Can I ask you a question?" I knew what was coming. She said, "Are you the Mrs. Griffis that lost her husband a little while back?" I began to cry...just can't help it....and I said, "Yes, that is me." She reached across and took my hands and said, "I am so sorry." Then she began to tell me what she knew. She told me that she was talking to her cousin, who had heard 'all around town' about this man....who....(I'm not going to go into that part...you all know anyway), and she told me how sad it was for her. Then, she told me what a great man he was according to her cousin and the papers, and the talk around town. Then she said, "I went to BHS, my principal was a Griffis, is he any relation?" I said that he was John's dad. She said...."Then I think I remember him!" I then pulled back and said, "See, here are his shirts we made in memory of him!" She read the scripture and said, "God will help you." I told her how much he has helped me, sustained me, answered my prayers, brought me victory, changed me, made me a better person......etc. She smiled and said that she was glad that I was doing ok. I told her "By God's Grace." And I meant every word of it.

As I was relaying the story to Jeff and Sallye, I realized, that John's legacy indeed lives on if her life is changed because of the story I told. OF the witness of God's Grace. Yes, John's legacy lives on. Praise His Holy Name!!!!

My hope and prayer is that each of you, when given the opportunity, will help his legacy live by witnessing about God's Grace, His Mercy, His love.

The kids are doing well. Praise Him. Matthew seems to love more than he ever loved before. Not just me...but the other kids. He has been so good. Just coming up and hugging me. Which is what John would do....and I missed so much. Now Matthew does. Sometimes its all I need. I still look for him to have a deeper relationship to Christ. He talks about how he now...with the exception of some blues singers named a John (I think) and a Buble (I think) will only listen to Christian music. It amazes me the changes I have seen in him. I know God can use many things, many people, music, etc....to bring people closer to him. I know that is what he is doing with Matthew.

Hannah had a great time in Vegas. I am glad to have her home. But friends, my prayer is that she have a relationship with Christ. I know it is probably typical, probably expected, but it seems she relies on her friends for everything. I long, I mean long, for her to really know the joy of serving the Lord. I wish He meant to her what her friends mean to her. My heart cries for that. Pray, pray, that somehow God speaks to her and she hears his voice. I keep remembering that scripture: The shepherd knows his sheep and His sheep know His voice." At this point I don't think she would know. She is at the age of accountability, I know. Maybe I haven't been the witness I should have been in the past. But, God help me now, I want to be, for her. So just pray that she begin to see something in me, in somebody, where she will know there needs to be a change in her life.

Isaac is doing okay. He misses his dad so much. It is starting to come out verbally more that he does. I mean he is actually saying it to people and to me, that he misses him. He is hurting. My baby is hurting. So guess what....I am hurting. I don't know how to help but to pray and ask you to pray. Jeff has done so much with him and for him. He has begun to kind of look up to and look to Jeff for a lot of things. O Lord, I pray that you just fill that hole with someone that can at least fill the needs he has. You all know how he and John were buds, best friends, especially in the summer...golfing, baseball, riding, etc.....hardly ever away from each other. Isaac is literally lost. Please pray for him.

Rach is doing okay. She, I believe is on the right track. I think God put her on the right track the day she was born!!!!! She seems to have a good outlook. I think sometimes she goes "there", but I think God comforts her in a way that only He and she knows.

Pray for us. I keep thinking that we are a family in the wilderness. I read somewhere that everyone of us will one day go through the wilderness...never believing God will bring us out....but like the Isrealites, He does. But, we have to go through it first....to become better servants to and for God. We are in the wilderness. Pray that we learn, that we grow, that we don't give up....that we persevere.

This morning during my devotions, I was memorizing Psalm 91 and the song came on called (I think) By My Spirit. So, the words I was memorizing were, "He will rescue me from the traps of the enemy....." and then I was thinking of the next line and these words of the song I heard, "Mountains will be moved, I will build my temple in you, and all my promises WILL BE DONE!" I smiled....do you realize how many promises he has given me!!!! Not only in this song...but in his word he tells us he keeps his promises!!!! I disgust myself with my lack of faith.

I am just going to throw this out there.....God forgive me if I shouldn't.....but you all know how John and I were big road bikers. We loved riding together. Well, Sallye has said that she will ride with me, along with many of the people who knew that my "riding partner" could no longer ride with me. But, this past summer, before John passed away, he had been looking for a bike for Isaac. Isaac has been asking me if he will get a bike to ride with me and Sallye. I want to get him one. I have looked on Craig's list, ebay, where ever I can look. Bless Kevin Beals heart. I send him pics of everything I see.....so he can look at it to see if it would be appropriate for Isaac. Because, quite honestly, I have no idea what I am looking for. John did all that. Anyway, I am just asking that if any of you know of someone that has a bike they want to sell, I would love to have a chance to buy it. I am not asking for a handout. I know they can be expensive. I am so willing to pay. But, if you could let Keven Beals know...his email is krbeals@cox.net... he knows what to look for. I would really appreciate it.

Thank you to all of you. It feels so good to talk with you. I told the lady at the tanning place yesterday about my blog. I told her that it allows me to say so much that I don't know how to say verbally to anyone else. I pour, literally pour myself out in this blog. So, I appreciate, you , my friends, that read faithfully. I love you.

Love,
Saundra

March 19, 2010 Friday

2010-03-19T10:19:00.002-05:00

Well, my first day really alone. Isaac is with Gramps at the batting cages. Matthew took Rach and a couple of friends hiking in the Wichitas. So here I am. I wanted to go with them, but Matthew wanted to do it on his own. I told Jeff that I thought it was a learning experience for me from the Lord. I have been praying that the Lord increase my faith and trust in him. What more than to teach me with my children whom I love dearly!!!!!

In fact, in my devotions this morning it seemed like everything I read pointed to all the reasons I needed to trust God more. Why I should have faith more. I am reading the Bible through so I am reading about Abraham, Jacob....the faith that they had. I want that faith. And I believe if I ask, wait, learn I can have that kind of faith also.

So, I prayed. I prayed that God would be with the kids. That they would be protected in the car. That he would keep them safe. I prayed that "He would command His Angels over them to guide them in all they do." Ps 91.

So, I am learning faith and trust in my God who hears my prayers. This is going to be a very long day for me! But if it makes me more like my Saviour then I will not complain. Just pray with me for their safety.

Well, yesterday I went to the Kingfisher Aquatic Center with some other moms yesterday. I was fine going. Was actually looking forward to it. I got lost so I couldn't find it. But when I found it....I wish I hadn't. It was right next to the golf course that I had went with last year with John to watch the golf team play. I didn't think I was going to contain myself. In fact, where I parked, I could see the tree that John had parked me under to keep me from the wind.

So, as I sat in the center all I could think about was knowing I was going to have to go back out there. When I did, I finally cried. I was glad the girls were in a good mood because they were laughing, giggling, and singing and didn't notice my tears. I just thought, "I can't do anything, but it reminds me of him". I had a sick feeling for the rest of the night, and a tear in my chest.

But, I still know that God is in control. God sees my tears, He knows my pain. It is just another step, another step closer to becoming more like Him. I don't know how he will use it...but He will, and I will be better for it, and He will glorified in it.

I am trying to get myself outside today. It is so pretty. I need to trim the bushes. That was John's job. But, I need to do it. So, I am praying for faith and strength and to take yet another step closer to His will in my life.

Pray for me
Pray for my kids.
Peace, and joy.

Love to you all.....will talk to you later,
Saundra

March 18, 2010 Thursday

2010-03-18T09:51:00.004-05:00

Janet...why do I smile whenever I see your name on here! Thanks for making me smile.

Especially after the adventure I have been on. I have decided that God does have a sense of humor. The kids and I left here Tuesday afternoon around 1 to head to Afton, Ok...what used to be Shang gri La (sp) resort. It has since changed names. Well, because we got lost several times Isaac said it took us 4 hours, Matthew said 3. I think it was suppose to be 2 and maybe 1/2. We finally got to our destination and discovered that everything was turned off when the lights wouldn't come on. And it was freezing in the house. So, I called the sweet person that was letting us use the house and they said that I needed to check that box that runs everything and make sure everything was on. So, I went out and clicked everything on that I thought we would use. No heat. We waited 20 min. no heat. So I called the person again they said to try a few different things so I did with no victory. So they told me to go down the street and ask the gentleman neighbor...he was used to helping them. So, I walked down there...sweet as he was..and he came and did all the thought to do. Then they suggested that I call a 24 hour heat and air man. Well, I didn't feel comfortable doing that without permission. So, I tried to call the person with no success. So Matthew suggested we go get something to eat and see if the heat would come on while we were gone. Well, you know how those resort towns are...everything shuts down during the cold months. So we found a conoco that had pizza and chicken!!!! We ordered pizza and I picked up a gallon of milk and somethings for breakfast. 3 bags of groceries and 2 14" pizzas cost us $60! We went back and ate pizza in the ....yep...COLD! Finally I tried the person again with no luck so I text them and told them that if I didn't hear from them in 10 min we were headed for a hotel.

I didn't hear from them, so we packed (with the kids moaning) everything up and headed to a hotel. Well, it was so dark in the countryside that we could hardly see far in front of us. So, we had to take it rather slow. Finally we got on the turnpike and 1 1/2 hours later we were unloading our things at a hotel there. Let me say...Isaac was still so chilled he took a shower. I jumped in bed and was out like a light.

Turned out good though. The boys ended up golfing at a course in Jenks and had a great time. Rach and I had a pedicure and did some shopping. It turned out to be a good day afterall.

We came home last night and today Gramps, Jonathon, Matthew and Isaac are going to go golfing today. Isaac wanted to stay at the hotel and golf in Tulsa at a place he hadn't golfed before. So, I promised him that if we came home that we would make sure he would golf somewhere that he hadn't golfed before. So he was okay with it.

I am taking Rachel to the swimming pool in Kingfisher today along with a bunch of moms and their kids from school. Rach loves swimming so she is looking forward to it.

I had my moments of missing John. Like with the furnace.....I almost cried thinking why am I having to do this? Alone? Then setting the boys up to golf ....I had no idea what I was doing. Plus, on the way up there....it was just so lonely, we all knew and realized that He was missing. We all missed his joking laughing.

Then on the way home God protected us...as we had prayed for his protection before we left....and later I found out that at dinner that night grams and gramps had prayed for traveling mercies.....Matthew was driving and was getting ready to change lanes and a car came up to his blind sign and we almost hit it. He swerved to miss it and the car just rocked back and forth...I said later I know we were on two wheels at one time. But he controlled it and I know that God was in control first.

Then as passed Hefner and parkway we passed Hefner and all I could think about was John and I riding our bikes and the tears began to roll. I hit my leg with my fist and just couldn't help to say why. I want one more ride with him!!!!!

I found a very sweet card from Neeley Jacobson. I will quote some of the things she stated to me. They are so moving and inspirational. I feel like God definitely spoke through her.

In II Corinthians the Lord spoke to me: Lord, it is you that makes me stand firm in Christ. You anointed me, set your seal of ownership on me and your spirit in my heart as a deposit guaranteeing what is to come.

Joshua 1:5 told me..No one will stand against me...for as YOU were with Moses, you are with me. You will never leave me or forsake me. I will be strong and courageous.

Funny...he gives you just what you need when you need it. I was feeling kind of down today. Feeling like a failure....feeling like I couldn't do this. But He knew. He has something wonderful in store for me. I just have to wait on Him.

I know one thing He has definitely called me to: TO BE LIKE HIM...IN HIS IMAGE. I know without a doubt he has called me to life of sincere commitment and servant hood. And I am ready to learn and do it. It is kind of exciting waiting for him to work and do his work in and through me.

Pray for Matthew....he may go climbing tomorrow. That always makes me nervous. But I do want to tell you how wonderful he has been. He was great on the trip. When I would start to lose it he would tell me to just settle down. He was great with the kids. Especially Isaac. I think he sees Isaac's needs. And he sure met them when they went golfing. He played with Rach and he loved on me. God is doing great things. My prayer is that he will desire a deeper relationship with Him.

Pray for Hannah. She is still in Vegas. She has called everyday and is having fun. She will return on Friday. Pray for her safety and protection. Pray that she will be convicted by His Spirit. I don't think she realizes that you need a personal relationship with Him. I pray that she will see the need and I know God will do the rest.

Pray for Isaac. My prayer for Isaac is that he would see himself through God's eyes. That he will have an obedient heart, not just for me but to our Lord. I think he is old enough to know. My prayer is that he will give up his will and allow God to work in him.

Be with Rach. Pray for her to allow God to work in that sweet tender heart. I believe with all my heart that he will use her to great things for Him. Help her to know His voice and be obedient even as young as she is.

Pray for our baby Emma. She is rallying. She is feeling better and they are hoping to giver her some liquids in the next couple of days. Pray for God's healing touch. He has brought her so far.

Pray for comfort for the Nimmo's and the Bumpus family. My prayer is that they will not look to man for all their help...but to find our Saviour in this. It is hard I know...and I know I am not there totally....but we are on a journey....find Him in it.

Thanks for reading....and more importantly, your comments. They mean so much to me.

Love you all,
Saundra

Sun March 14, 2010

2010-03-14T18:08:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what to do for spring break with my kids. Thanks to some very special people we do get to go somewhere. But, its like, John always made life/getaways fun. I don't know how to do that. I think the kids think I am boring. Well, I probably am. They are so like their dad in being athletic, so that's all they did together. Now, I am sure its, "Oh goodie we get to go somewhere with mom and do....do.....do...?" Luckily, there is a golf course near and Matthew told me that he and Isaac would play golf. Hannah is in Vegas with her friend. That leaves me and Rach. Just pray that things will just pop into my mind to make this a fun and enjoyable time for all of them.

I feel like I am in a rut. A sad one. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I have decided that I have many faces: a church face, a school face, a home face, a home face with company face, a meet someone in public face. So many faces. I feel like I can't be what I want to be.....because of my kids, because I am suppose to be moving on and this weekend I don't feel like I have.

I had to take Hannah out to get a few things for her trip to Vegas. I saw all the spring clothes and they made me sick. I can't even pin point why. But I would look at something and see spring and I didn't like it. But it reminded me of a poem in a book that I read. I would like to share it with you. This is truly what I feel.

It's winter inside,
and I don't know if spring will ever come.

But every once in a while
I think I see a sprig of green
pushing up through the frozen ground.

Maybe just maybe
spring will come.

Be with me, God,
while I watch for spring.
Be with me, God,
when the icy winds blow.
Be with me, God,
when I slip and fall.

Help me to endure the winter.
Help me to wait for spring.
Help me to give hope a chance.
Help to (want) to live again.

That's how I feel today.

Pray for Hannah as she heads to Vegas. Pray for her safety. Pray that she have fun.

Pray for the rest of us. For protection. Pray that God will make this a relaxing fun time, where for once we can forget...just a little bit...and have a real life...have real fun. Pray that I will know what to do to make this happen.

Pray for God's hedge of Angels surround each of us and bring us home together safely again.

Thank you to my faithful readers. I love you all.

Saundra

Friday March 12, 2010 pm

2010-03-12T19:52:00.002-06:00

Well, all I keep saying is "It's the 12th, I made it through the 10th". That is just how I feel. Whew is really how I feel. It was a very hard day for me. Tears came very easily for me. It was a good thing I didn't go to school. It would have been a disaster. Sallye came and we went to return a few things to TJ Maxx and shop a little. Then I came home and slept the rest of the day away. But my heart ached all day. Until you have been there, you will never know what an aching heart feels like. It is unbelievable. I never knew you could feel, really have a broken heart. Now I know and wish it on no one.

It was hard even Thursday. It is unbelievable the stress, the energy that grieving takes on your body. I was still feeling exhausted and completely mentally exhausted. It just takes a while to come back.

Isaac had a game Thursday night at OCS (baseball). Usually Jay would go with me, but he was with the golf team so I was going by myself. It was awful. All the way there all I could think about was that if only John was here we would be going together and I wouldn't be alone. I called Matthew, he was also at the golf course, but he was going to come from Rose Creek and meet me there so I wouldn't have to drive home by myself. I could follow him.

Half way through the game I found out that he had went on home. It was so lonely sitting in my chair with my blanket like I did game after game.....but I didn't have John next to me....to just laugh and talk with. Then, when Isaac struck out for the 2nd time, as he came back he looked at me with tears in his eyes. I knew what he was thinking....(I need daddy). But I wouldn't know it until later when he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to play again because he needed help and Daddy was always the one that told him what he was doing wrong so he could fix it. He said he has no one to help him. It just breaks my heart. I can't hardly deal with his hurt.

He and I got into a little spat this morning. Nothing big. But he later told gramps that part of it was because he missed daddy and it is just so different. He wasn't saying it as an excuse....I believe him...he just doesn't know what to do.

He had a game tonight. Ended up the other team didn't come. So, I thought it was a good time for him to work on his hitting. I had also talked to Coach Hawk and he said that he would work with him. So, I think he really had fun tonight. He seemed really happy afterwards.

I don't know...I was thinking at the game that I am just tired of being the ONE. The ONE to have to do everything. I don't mean in things like cleaning the house etc...but just being in charge. I have something on my mind constantly...that I have to do either for me, for the kids, for us...something. My mind never gets a break. Sometimes I just want to fall to ground and give in...to what I don't know.

I was so sorry to hear about Ken Stewart. He was a great friend of Jay's so I feel for Jay. It's just so much for him.But, I feel for the family. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God will comfort them as He did for me.

Our family just feels like there is sadness all around us. Now that our baby Emma is sick again and in the hospital sometimes it feels like we just cannot take anymore. It just wears on us. Especially Jonathon and Jessica and Dawn. They are at the hospital pretty much 24 hours a day.

But, we are all so weary. Weary from all the sadness around us, affecting us. Weary from tears. Weary from praying. I am weary from trying to be sure my kids are alright....in every way. Making sure they are happy. Just weary. Even last night I told Marilyn..I just had to cry...and cry I did.

I did take the cat in. Got another shot. I just couldn't put her down because of Isaac. I don't think he would handle it well. I will just see what happens.

Lucky Hannah, she gets to go to Vegas next week with Wendy and Ali Greer, they offered to take her and pay her way. How could I say no. I am hoping to take the kids somewhere next week. I think it would be best for our health...mental and emotionally, to get away together. I called almost every state park and they are booked. But I remembered that somebody came a few weeks after everything and told me that they had a vacation home, like a cabin or something and said that anytime we wanted to get away, we could use it. But, I can't remember who it was.

If I don't remember, we will just stay here...golf, bowl....whatever we can come up with. I just want it to be special for them. To take their mind off of things...let alone mine.

The kids are doing well. Pray for all of us.

I am not looking forward to the weekend again. Saying goodbye to Hannah will be very hard. Pray for her safety.

I will try to get back on this week sometime. Thanks for reading and commenting. I love you all.

Love,
Saundra

March 10, 2010 Wednesday

2010-03-10T07:22:00.003-06:00

Happy Anniversary Darling. How I miss you. You were my everything. I was just thinking the other day, how this past summer I kept telling you how I couldn't live without you. Never realizing for a minute that it would come true.

But here it is...our day....and you aren't here. I was remembering during the night how we would see who could wake the other up first with the wishes of a Happy Anniversary. You always won because you woke a lot in the night. You would lean over as I slept and whisper in my ear, "Happy Anniversary....I love you...and I won!" We would laugh and each go back to sleep.

Then as you would be taking a shower that morning....I would sneak in and use the brightest lipstick I could find and write in big letters, "Happy Anniversary! I would do it all over again and again!"

All Day long we would text each other all day with little love messages, then, whether I was working at the school or not, you would walk in at the end of the day with a bouquet of yellow daisies(my favorite). Then you would have planned a night out with just each other.

Because of the rough time in our marriage last Anniversary you took me to Eureka Springs for almost a week,, just to work on us. I remember, you said, it was like a new beginning for us. That we would do this every Anniversary...just to be together...alone.

I wasn't always the best and perfect wife. But Honey, you were always the perfect husband. Oh, how I wish you were here....just to hold me.

This morning in my devotions I had to apologize to the Lord for asking "Why" again. I had actually come to the point (or so I thought) that when the question "Why" would come up, I would think, or Rather ask the Father, "Not why Lord, but How do you want to use this for your glory. What do you want me to do with this so I can become more like you?" I know this isn't for naught. So, let the Lord use it to better me.

The pain today is so unbearable. So unbearable. I said it before...I wish I could take a bunch of medication to put myself to sleep and wake in the morning...and the 10th would be gone. But, I know that isn't an option. I am home from school. I just couldn't stand the thought of being there on our day...without him.

I remember bringing his lunch to him and celebrating at lunch. Or he would text me and tell me to come up there ,,.,,he just wanted to see me.

I plan to keep myself busy today. Cat to the vet....doing something with Sallye...bless her Lord.

The kids are doing good.

Matthew got a stinking ticket yesterday coming from golf. Only 5 mph over so it shouldn't be much. But it just seem to top everything off.

But he is doing so well. He text me out of the blue yesterday "Momma, I love you." He didn't know how I needed that, at that very moment. He is so fun to be around now. He actually has conversations with me. Not one word replies. He wants to help me...I know it.

He and Jennie are doing great. I love her. I still know John is looking down and laughing at the arrangement. But I feel so safe with them. Before I was cautious and leery about his relationships. But this one is safe. She is leading him deeper and deeper into a relationship with the Lord and I don't know that he realizes the impact she is having on his life.

Pray for his school work. That he will have wisdom. Also, OWU is saying now that they never recieved some of his work that he has proof that he sent to them via email. So pray that that works out. Pray for his golf game. That it will continue to improve with every game. And that the coach will see something in his game worthy of praise.

I still worry about Hannah. I know she is growing out of her clothes and they are too small. But she still argues that they are okay. But I can't have her dressing that way. I don't approve and I know John would not approve. So pray for me as I handle this with a loving spirit. And pray that she will have a willing spirit.
She has changed in so many ways I get boggled trying to pick them out. Pray for her.

Isaac has his good and bad days. My prayer has been that he will begin to see himself as God sees him. That his heart will make a change....that he will lose his temper. That he will be more amicable when asked to do things. That he will be more respectful towards me.

Rach is doing well. It amazes me that she is doing so well. She seems well, so I pray that she isn't holding anything in. Pray that God will use her young and tender heart to do his will.

Pray for our Emma. I can't explain all that is happening to her, I am not a doctor. But she is back in the hospital with some complications. Pray for her. Our family cannot handle anymore grief.

Pray for the Nimmo family and don't forget the Bumpus family. I am not half way down the road....and it is still so painful, they have only begun.....pray for them.

And I know this sounds so silly, but our cat (of 5 years) has some kind of allergy. It is pretty sad what it is doing to her. For a while taking her to the vet every 4-5 months kept the symptoms at bay. But lately it has been every month...$25 a shot. The only other option is a big $800 or so dollar test. That is definitely not in the picture. I was thinking about having her put down but when I mentioned it to Isaac he cried and said :"No mommy, she is my cat. I love her!" So, please pray for God to direct me. I can't have him hurting so much after hurting so much before. Just pray for direction to me from God. I am taking her in for another shot today until I can decide what to do.

Thank you again for reading, commenting and your prayers. I really do love you all.

Saundra

Saturday, March 6, 2010

2010-03-06T11:00:00.002-06:00

I can so relate to David in the Psalms. His ups and downs. His cries for help. His cries for MERCY!!! His feelings of abandonment. But, like you said Jeff, just because God helped David kill the giant, didn't mean that he had an easy ride on the throne. I really could relate to that. Thank you for your comment Jeff. I really appreciated that.

Well, we got the rough draft made for the headstone. I thought thinking as I sat and cried through it..."Wow, this is the hardest thing I've had to do!" Then, I remembered why I was doing it.....my love was gone....there is nothing in this world could be hard than losing him. Nothing. It was hard....yes it was hard.

Thursday I still felt the effects of Wednesday. People think that I have a bad day, then the next day I am fine. Well, let me say this....there are lasting effects, for days, of the pain and hurt that I felt on Wednesday. Days! My chest aches for days, my mind hurts, my heart hurts. It takes a while to recover. In fact...it is Saturday and I sit here and cry...with the after effects of what I felt that day.

Thursday night Isaac had his first baseball game. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Is all I can say. He told me he didn't know if he even wanted to play since daddy couldn't be there to watch. Broke my heart. I couldn't even say anything it hurt so much. You all know how involved he was in Isaac's athletics. But, he had, I guess an okay game. I just sat and cried a while when I watched him. Wondering what was going through that little mind of his as he stood in the field.

Then we celebrated (with friends) Rachel's birthday at Incredible Pizza. I actually did pretty good. There were moments when I felt the absence of John. But Rach seem to do pretty well. Praise God.

Hannah isn't playing golf this year. It kind of hurts us all. She will be the first of the Griffis' not to play. John coached Jonathon and each of the kids since. She will be the first, as this is the first year that John isn't coaching. We have hears several stories from several people about her reasons for not playing. One, is that she doesn't like golf. I have a hard time believing that. The other is that she wants to work on her running. Yet she didn't want to join track 7th hour (which is when golf is). Then I heard that it was because her daddy wasn't out there. That is more believable to me. My heart breaks for her. My heart breaks for Jonathon and Jay who took over the coaching job because so many kids had said said they wouldn't play if they didn't take it over ....one being Hannah. But, Hannah has changed....I can't figure her out.

But Coach Black talked to her and I talked to him and we decided if she wasn't playing golf then she needed to be doing something...and since she is going to do track and cross country in college that that would be her best choice. So that is what she is doing. But, yes, I am sad because, whatever she says, at one time, she did like golf.

Boy, I just never know how I will feel any given day. Today....I want to be with John....literally. I want to just give in. I wish I didn't have an option.

Tears are flowing easily today. I guess because I am counting down to the 10th day of March....the day I married my sweetheart. The one who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. The one...who I can't stand to be without.

I was at a restaurant this morning...by myself....just watching people...missing him. There was an old couple sitting across from me.....I began to let the tears flow....as I remember John and I, so many times talked about growing old together. I thought...."that was to be us in 15-20 years." But I will never have that. Never be able to enjoy growing old with him.

I am going to bury myself under a blanket on March 10. I don't want to live through that day. I don't want to be here that day. I don't' want to. I want no memories. I just want to go away...i want it to go away.

Kids are doing okay.

Matthew is doing well at school. He still needs prayer for his golf. That the coach finds favor in him. Pray that God be with him in his school studies.

Hannah...well you know my prayer for her. That as she grieves she will find herself again. She needs help in school also.

Isaac needs help in school...especially in Pre-Algebra. Help him as he becomes accustomed to playing baseball without his daddy there.

Rachel. Praise God that she is doing well. She is happy most of the time. I can see that she does go into deep thoughts sometimes...I don't know what she is thinking,....I can only guess.

Pray for all of us to bond as a family. To accept each as they are. To love and encourage each other.

My prayer is that each of them have a deep yearning and longing to become more like Jesus. To be more of what He wants them to be.

Pray for the Bumpus family. I wish I could spare them what I have been through thus far...but I can't. I can only pray that God comfort them.

Pray for peace in our home. I am weary. I need help in the daily duties of the house. So, we are going to try and split up responsibilities. Pray that the kids would be accepting and accommodating to that idea. Pray as we talk to them

Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Please don't don't forget to pray for us.

Love you all,

Saundra

March 3, 2010...Wednesday

2010-03-03T07:21:00.002-06:00

I am in the midst of a tidal wave....again.

Yesterday was horrible. I text Sallye and told her I was just done. I couldn't go on. I am tired, I am weak, I am exhausted. I cannot be a single mother. I am behind. I am losing control of them. I am disrespected. I am carrying it all....I can't do it anymore.

I felt unhappiness all day yesterday. Couldn't wait to get home and go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think. So, I could just fall alseep and let life pass. It didn't. I still had responsibilities with the kids. I just can't do it people! Now, the why comes....why did he think I could? How? How can I do this for years to come?

Then, today...one of my many dreaded days to come. But how to make it through it. Why kind of headstone? What to put on it that will honor his life? I am glad that Jay, Marilyn and Matthew are going with me as well. That gives me comfort. But not the comfort I want.

You know as I started devotions this morning....I started with: "Lord, you know the giant I face today". He does.....He in return gave me this scripture....Psalm 138: 3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted". He will make me like David, so I can face this giant of choosing a headstone.

No, it doesn't make it any easier. No, I still don't want to go. But the Lord has spoken. I am going to have to wait and trust in Him. I am sure David didn't want to go....but he believed in his God. He believed He would give him the help he needed. I am even sure that God help David pick just the right stones. God will help me too. I just want to say..."Lord, Help my unbelief!"

I have had to really rely and trust in him these last couple of days. I am so overwhelmed. I am being stretched so many ways.....Just want it to all go away.

I truly feel like I am losing my kids. When we enter the house we all go our own way: Matthew to his room, Hannah to her room, Rach to her room and Isaac to his. I sit here in the living room myself. We don't talk. We don't communicate.

I can't say no to any of them with out an angry outburst and it all ending with angry feelings toward each other...and the world.

I told Sallye, I feel more like their housekeeper, provider of their needs than their mom. I guess that is a mom...but I don't feel like that to them. I don't know if they blame me in some way for where we are...but I don't feel respect from them at all.

I just want them back. I just want a family. I want to know what is going on in their lives.

Pray for Matthew. He came home the other night totally disappointed and dejected about either his golf game or his team, or the coach. I still don't know what happened, (he won't talk about it). But he was so sad. I hadn't seen him that way for a long time. Pray for his game. Pray that the coach find favor in him. Pray that his spirit be lifted. And i am praying that God will use this circumstance to draw him to Him.

Be with Hannah. I want my sweet Hannah back. She is running from the pain. I truly believe that. She is never ever home...except to change and sleep. Pray that she will begin to see her ways through the eyes of her Father. Draw her to him.

Be with Isaac. Lord, take away the angry, ugly attitude he has. He is so hateful. So disobedient. I pray for his school grades. he isn't doing well in school. We need to pray for God to bring things to his mind especially when it comes to testing. But, the Lord is not pleased with his attitude I am sure of it.

Pray for Rachel. That she will be shielded from the anger and the pain that I am met through each of the kids in some way.

Pray for me today. Pray that God make me like David. Strong and stout and Loand brave.

Love to you all,
Saundra

Monday, March 1, 2010

2010-03-01T21:19:00.002-06:00

All I can think about right now is 9 days and I would have been married to my sweetheart for 21 years. It is so true.....the agony of waiting and anticipating that day is worse than the day itself. I dread it. How ironic that 21 years ago I was anticipating this day with excitement...not dread. I love him so much. I was looking forward to many, many years to come.

Rachel's birthday was much better than I had anticipated. Of course. She had a good day. Course she was so excited about Saturday nights banquet that that was all she could think about. She had a great time at that.

I want to thank Jana Rothwell for opening her house to the girls so they could get ready together (like the big girls do). She loved it. And she talked about how Mr Rothwell, dropped them off at the door. Thanks you guys for making my daughter have a great time.

Well, this past weekend was better. Thank the Lord. Sunday School was hard. I couldn't look at Greg. It was more than I could bear. I know his pain. I know his pain. I can't think about it. I want to reach out, but I am afraid to reach out to him, that I will go backwards in my healing. I just can't. I pray for them and think of them often,,a lot. But I can't face them now. Its' just too close.

Matthew is doing great. He seems so much happier than he has in a long time. Might have something to do with the girl in his life. But really, the Lord has answered my prayer and touched his Heart. I cannot in any way measure his relationship to the Lord, but I do know that God is working in his Heart and that is all I need to know.

You can pray for him though. First, pray that whatever God makes of this new relationship, that it will be in God's control at all times.

Also, today when Matthew got home from golfing he was very upset...sad/angry. In fact, he stayed in his room most of the evening. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't want to talk about it. Then, he finally said it was his golf. I text him later (my only form of conversation at that point) and asked if it was his game or what. He said his game.

I went in just a moment ago finally and tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't talk. I don't know what it is. But you know as a mother you want to help him, I want to know how and what I can do. But he won't allow me to.

So, pray that whatever it is...that he will feel God's hand on him and in it. That he will see God at work. My heart goes out to him. I'm sure before he would talk to dad about it. But now...he shuts himself in...as if to protect himself. I really haven't seen him this down in a long, long, time. Please pray for him.

Isaac is doing better. He still has his stubbornness. But, I have learned that it is best to just be quiet and pass him onto someone else....Jeff or gramps. I just can't handle him. He talks circles around me.

He is excited about baseball. I am glad he is looking forward to it. I still feel for him, not having John around to say, "Hey daddy, wanna play catch?" John never said no. I know, and I feel, that his acting the way he is, is partly because he does not know how to deal with the loss of his buddy. His best friend. That is why it is so hard for me to get absolutely angry at him.

He is struggling in a few courses at school pray for him. He isn't really very disciplined in school. Or organized. I take part of the blame. I wanted him to be happy, so I tried to do everything for him...keep his schedule, help him with his work, DO his work. But, I have realized how I have really failed him by doing that. So, we are trying to help him to grow in this area. Pray that he learn these valuable lessons....in life as well.

Hannah....I just don't know what to think. I don't know if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to stop and face reality. Or, if she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to be here. We hardly see her. She has even started dressing a little against my wishes. I haven't talked to her about it, but I am waiting for the right time.

Grief. That is all I can blame it on. Everyone in his/her own way. I think Hannah is dealing with it as best she can right now. But, pray for her relationship with the Lord. I want her to have a relationship with him so that she can work through this time.

Rach is doing great. On the way home from grams and gramps the other day after celebrating her birthday she seemed really down. So I asked her if something was bothering her. She said no. I asked her again and she still wouldn't answer me. But something tells me that she was wishing her dad was there to be with her.

He was such a good dad. Always there for the kids. Whatever they needed he made sure they had it. They knew they were first in their life. I hope they know that about me also. They come first. I live for them.

I pray that the Lord will become real in each of their lives. That they will let him into their lives and let Him guide them.

Pray for peace. Marilyn and I are planning to go to the headstone place Wednesday. I dread it. But I want to get it done. Some people have told me to wait. But I told Marilyn I just can't stand my husbands grave being bare and naked and just a lump of dirt. I want something there. No, I can't wait. But, at the same time, I am not looking forward to doing it. I asked Matthew if he wanted to help and he said he did. He helped pick out the casket....and I thought he acted so mature when he did it. I could tell, he was picking it out for his dad. He knew what his dad would want....I am sure he will do the same in this case.

I am doing pretty good though. I have my moments. Like when the kids are not arguing or upset about something. Sometimes, it just seems too much for me. Saturday I just about broke down. It just seemed like I had to be 10 places at one time. I was so overwhelmed. I find myself getting overwhelmed very easily. Pray for me.

The house is looking beautiful. A new beginning, a new home. That is the way I am looking at it. I am fixing dinners quite often now. Not exactly like I used to...because I loved cooking for John, having it ready for him, I loved it. Now, I find them to be mostly frozen meals, or quick meals. We still aren't eating at the table.

The bedroom is on the way to being ready. Rach is going to go with me, as well as Molly when I do move in there. That will probably be one of the harder things to do. But, God has been faithful. He won't fail me in that either.

My devotions have been fantastic. He has been teaching me so much. I usually can't wait to get to Sunday School because of Dave's lessons. They kind of go along with what I am learning from the Lord.

I am not asking why as desperately as I once did. Now, I am asking God, how I can make this circumstance work for Him. How I can become more like him in this place I find myself. When I start to dwell on the why....I turn to Him and ask, What? What do you want me to do with this? How can I become more like you in this circumstance? What can I learn? When I start to look for the answer to those questions, then the why question doesn't matter anymore.

I still want to thank all of you who are being faithful to my blog. I know I don't do as well as I once did. Trust me...I want to me here...but with 4 kids....basketball, dance practice, wed. church, etc...I hardly have time to breath. But, you are all on my mind, because I know you are my prayer warriors and you want to pray specifically for me. So I feel badly about not getting on her. But I try.

Just conti to pray for us. I have been praying that God will bind us together as a family. With Hannah gone all the time, and Matthew usually gone or in his room. It seems like we are two different families. I long for a tight family that will lean on and pray for each other, and support one another. Pray for that.

Well, I have a very early morning tomorrow, so I best be getting to bed. I love you all.

Saundra

Friday 26, 2010

2010-02-26T22:10:00.002-06:00

Bekah, you made me smile. You know he used to say that to our kids here too!!! He was such a jokester. I am glad that he can still bring a smile to your face. And I hope he can in the years to come.

Well, its been an up and down week for me. I told Sallye, it seems just when you feel like your making some headway.....you find yourself falling. That happened to me several times this week.

Course, you know about Rachel's birthday. That was hard. So hard. It is hard to do things as a family when you don't quite feel like a family. And I just can't even think of what to buy Rachel. John always had such great ideas. I just have tomorrow (Saturday) and then I'm out of luck. I miss him so much.

And, let me just say before I say what I am about to say....could be very embarrassing to me. But, you know, I'm not embarrassed because I bring it to your attention because you are my prayer warriors. You are my friends that haven't left me after 3 months because you have forgotten me, you are my hope.

I was served with a summons to appear in court. Now, I can't go into details...not because I don't want to, but because I don't understand it all. My attorney is working on it for me, but I am just beside myself. I pretty much cried all day today. In fact, one kid asked, "Mrs. Griffis are you okay?" I said, "No, I have been crying." He said, "Oh, I am sorry. It looked like you had a cold. But I am sorry you feel bad." I wish I could tell you more so you would know how to pray....but, I know you don't have to know the particulars....just that we need to pray for God's intervention. Pray for the wisdom of my attorney. Pray for me....that I will continue to give it to the Lord and not hold onto it.

Isaac is doing so much better. He has his moments, but isn't that every kid at his age? He is being more amicable with me. More respectable. Working harder at school. I think I told you that we had the opportunity to talk about giving our hearts to Jesus. I believe he is trying to comprehend that.

I still feel sad for him regarding sports. Daddy was always his team mate. They played together...every sport...whatever the season...they were outside. I hardly can stand to see him playing his ps3, watching t.v., or just sitting. Because Isaac was never like that. He was outside playing...and usually with John. I can't stand it.

I was at Jay and Marilyn's tonight. Rach had a birthday party to go to, Matthew was with friends, it was just me and Isaac. Gramps took Isaac somewhere so it was just Dawn, Marilyn and myself. We had been wanting to get together without the kids to look at headstones. Of course....it nearly killed us. I could hardly talk. Pray for us as we continue to do this.

I wanted to thank the Clines. They used to live across the street from us many years ago. They sold their house to the Crooks. Anyway, we have not seen nor heard from them since that time. Though, we enjoyed each others company very much.

But Melissa, who evidently had read my blog called to say that they had a full size frame, box springs, and mattress that they would like to give to me. So, I have my smaller bed. We are hoping that it fits on my queen head board and footboard. But, I just appreciated it so much. It was a prayer that Jeff, Sallye and I had been praying for. God knew how much I needed it.

I do miss John so much. When things happen, at school, with a kid, parent, etc...the first thing I want to do is text John and tell him. You can't know the times I have started texting him. I love him so much. We had such a wonderful future together. As we were looking at the headstones...I just wanted to cry out to the Lord "WHY???" But, I know I will probably never have the answer....but God will be glorified through it.

I am definitely learning to lean more and more on him. I am learning that that is what he wants. He wants me to lean on him only. Not on Jeff and Sallye, (though they hold me up most of the time), not through this blog (that lets me rant and rave, or just talk), but wholly on Him. And why I question Him, why I can't just relax, I don't know. He has been faithful.

There are so many of you to thank. I am trying to get my thank yous out every chance I get. It seems I just get caught up and then God sends angels to help me again. But....please....each of you...know that I appreciate every word you say, every thought, every prayer, and every kind of help that you have given me. I want to hug you and tell you how much I love you.

You know...that is something I have discovered. How my eyes have changed. I see things so differently now. Different things. Others pain, becomes my pain. The Bumpus family, I can barely think of it. But it doesn't have to be in death that I feel pain for others. It is that child that I know is going hungry, or the person that has had a wrong done to them. I think God is teaching me see people from His eyes now. My life has changed. It has changed dramatically.

My life, my children's life. We will never be the same. Our outlook on life is different. I told God the other morning in devotions....I don't think I will ever be able to accept John's death....but I can thank God for how he has used it to help me become more and more like Him everyday. Sometimes....change CAN be good. But you have to be willing to let it happen. I didn't have a choice, then, but I have accepted that I am changing and I am ready and willing to change according to His purpose for my life now. Whatever it may be.

Pray for us this weekend as we celebrate Rachel's birthday as our family always did on the week of that persons birthday. So it will be this Sunday. How awful. Sundays are my worst, I am celebrating my baby's birthday without her daddy. How much more pain can a person handle in a day? I just want it to be a happy day for her. Pray that I can at least do that.

I hate weekends. I hate them. I would rather crawl in bed on Friday night and Sleep until Monday mornings.

God, I miss John. Please fill that empty space that I am feeling tonight. Lord, how I need you tonight. I feel alone.....

Saundra